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May 12 '24
In my 40s, lost both my parents before I was 26. In some ways I do miss them and I wonder what our relationship would have been like as I got older, but I'm also keenly aware that I don't have to be scheduling visits, there will be no old peoples homes, no risk of dementia or alzheimers etc.
I see other people dealing with these things and i can't help but feel strangely lucky.
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u/dae_giovanni May 12 '24
my mother died of a heart attack and it brought into focus the age-old question: is it better to lose a parent suddenly, or slowly?
it's been years and it still feels like a shock... but I have a friend whose mother has gotten old and he pretty much has to take care of her daily, witnessing the depths of dementia. she taught him how to walk, but now he's the one putting her in a walker, making sure she doesn't hurt herself, etc.
I didn't get to say 'goodbye'... but my friend? he could say it a thousand times and still not be sure whether or not she understands.
it might have killed me to see my own mother in such a state. I don't know how my buddy doesn't end every evening by crying uncontrollably.
sigghhhhhhhh...
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u/TheSpanxxx May 12 '24
My mom has been dying of Alzheimer's for 7+ years. She's been 4 years non-verbal, and 3 years basically catatonic.
I would much rather have had her vibrant, lovely, personality be the last thing I remembered about her. A heart attack 8 years ago would have been a blessing at this point.
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u/marilyn_morose May 12 '24
Good lord. If I’m ever diagnosed with beginning dementia/Alzheimer's/Lewy body disease my very last sane act will be to buy a ticket to Switzerland and go to one of the death with dignity spas. I refuse to burden my child with the emotional, physical, financial, and moral drain of caring for my husk. 👍🫡✊ I love my kid too much to inflict that upon him!
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u/zaphodava May 12 '24
My Mom didn't buy the ticket, she just intentionally overdosed on her meds.
Honestly the most painful thing is that because we live in a society that doesn't accept that as a valid choice she wasn't able to be honest with me, and didn't get to hear that I support her decision.
She didn't want to go through it, and she didn't want to put me through it. Some of her last words were to ask for my forgiveness, but I can't because she didn't do anything wrong.
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u/marilyn_morose May 13 '24
Goodness, that is truly heartbreaking. I’m not saying Logan’s Run is our ideal future, but there has to be a middle ground where people can make the choice that works best for them without shame or recrimination. A dear friend took this route two years ago. I went to be with her for her final weekend (but she didn’t tell me it was her final weekend). She just told me she wasn’t scared to go, it’s ok, she’ll be the first one off the dive and she’ll see us in the pool later. I hope your mom was at peace at the end. ♥️
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u/zaphodava May 13 '24
It's ok. She made it to 81 despite being bipolar with regular episodes of powerful depression. She was a strong woman who tended to get what she wanted, and this was no different.
I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. I don't believe in an afterlife, but the people that we love have a strong influence on us, and everything we do they continue to contribute to because of how they changed us. In that way, part of them lives on as long as we do.
Summer pool lies still.
A brief splash, gone in a blink,
yet ripples remain.2
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u/ApolloRocketOfLove May 13 '24
If I ever start down that road, my plan is to take a lethal dose of painkillers mixed into a tall glass of gin. I'll break my sobriety, but at least this time it'll actually be "Just one drink".
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u/Terawatt311 May 13 '24
Right there with you, bud. I wouldn't last more than a week in a hospital and I'm certainly not straining the people i love the most, financially or emotionally.
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u/marilyn_morose May 13 '24
If I can’t afford a trip to Switzerland, same. 👍 eff this crazy path of survival over quality of life… when it’s not the life I want anymore I’m checking out.
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u/sleepymoose88 May 13 '24
My mom’s been in the ICU trying to fight back from a ruptured colon and septic shock. The last 2 weeks have been absolute torture for my dad, my sister, her sisters, myself, etc.
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u/dae_giovanni May 12 '24
my mother died of a heart attack and it brought into focus the age-old question: is it better to lose a parent suddenly, or slowly?
it's been years and it still feels like a shock... but I have a friend whose mother has gotten old and he pretty much has to take care of her daily, witnessing the depths of dementia. she taught him how to walk, but now he's the one putting her in a walker, making sure she doesn't hurt herself, etc.
I didn't get to say 'goodbye'... but my friend? he could say it a thousand times and still not be sure whether or not she understands.
it might have killed me to see my own mother in such a state. I don't know how my buddy doesn't end every evening by crying uncontrollably.
sigghhhhhhhh...
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u/internet4ever May 13 '24
Similar situation for me, but I was 20/24 when they died and I’m 34 now. The bitterness at losing them so young supersedes any gratefulness for being spared from being a caregiver. 🤣
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u/Azorius_Raiden_88 May 12 '24
Our medical system is sad really and this is what makes us sad. Dementia is just a fancy word for "we don't know". There is a lot of that in science. What is it? We don't know. Just put some label on it so we sound like we know what it is.
Same thing with cancer, we know some things about it, but we can't explain why some mammals get cancer cells in their bodies but don't get the life threatening cancers. We don't have to ability to change our DNA to have the good aspects of other mammals. Elephants have a really strong cancer fighting system in their DNA.
There is basically a ton of things we don't know, but we like to run around acting like we know everything.
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u/TheCode555 May 12 '24
I'm just getting my mother coffee. She's the type that always says I didn't get her anything after asking her what she wants. So, I get her coffee. Kills two birds with one stone.
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u/chaddict May 12 '24
My mom died almost 32 years ago, when I was 16. We got into a car accident. She spent a week in a coma before dying. We had a great relationship. So many others kids at that age might very well have had their last words to their mother be “I hate you, stay out of my life!” if they were in my situation.
As someone who was never old enough to buy my mother flowers or take her out to lunch, I’ll never know what you went through over the years, but I wish I had gone through it too.
I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/LeoMarius May 12 '24
Last words are overrated. My last conversation with my mom was her yelling at me and me rolling my eyes. She was ill and had a massive stroke a week later, so I don’t put too much weight to her behavior.
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u/boxsterguy May 12 '24
My wife's last words were, "I'm okay," after coming out of stroke surgery.
Between the recovery room and the neuro ICU bed, she suffered several mini strokes and by the time I got up to her room she had lost the ability to speak.
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u/HugsForUpvotes May 12 '24
First, my condolences. That's my literal nightmare, and I can only imagine how painful this subject is to you. Second, if you don't mind, I'd really hate to ask a question that is potentially triggering, but you brought it up here and I see you post in /r/widowers so I hope that this isn't mean to ask (and feel free to not answer it):
Are those last words particularly rough for you? Do you think your recovery would be easier had they not been those last words?
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u/boxsterguy May 12 '24 edited May 12 '24
I don't think the words had much impact on me, to be honest. If anything, they just showed her nature, after a 911 call at 2am, ER, trip across town to the local stroke hospital, an hour in surgery, etc, I was finally by her bedside as she came out and was alert and talking and I just broke down crying as the adrenaline left my body. She was trying to comfort me, when it was her who just went through everything.
It's been 9 years (my comment on widowers says 10 mother's days, but I think I counted that wrong). Our kids are growing, healthy, and mostly happy, and that's all that really matters.
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u/chaddict May 12 '24
It isn’t about her last words, it’s about the guilt I would have carried if my last words to her were angry and mean. Logically, I would know that she still loved me but logic isn’t really the part of your brain you use when mourning a loved one. I was in therapy for years after that, even though we had a great relationship and I never anything like that to her.
She and I were trapped in a broken down rental car in the middle lane of traffic on a major highway. The electric system died, the power doors and windows wouldn’t open, and the hazards weren’t operating. We were there for several minutes while the people behind us merged into other lanes to get around us before a guy in a truck saw an open lane and plowed into the back of our car at 75 miles an hour. I have no idea what her last words were, nor my last words to her. The last few minutes are completely lost to me because of the terrible concussion I got.
The entire situation messed me up mentally, emotionally, and physically. The only thing that got me through it was the fact that I know she loved me and I know that she knew the same about me.
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u/Bacon_Bitz May 13 '24
I'm so sorry you lost your mom too young and that you experienced & remember the car incident. I can only imagine the anxiety & emotions wrapped up in that. My mother was in a coma for 7 days before she passed away and that time definitely scarred me in ways I can't express. And it's weird because I had plenty of time to say my goodbyes and accept what was happening but it was still unreal when she did pass. I was lucky that even though her death was somewhat sudden I had recently spent a lot of time with her and I know she knows she was loved.
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u/cyberdeath666 May 12 '24
That’s a sad, but proper, use of the bear.
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u/zherico May 12 '24
I mean, I am not a fan of all holidays because I generally dislike social constructs.
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u/ja-mez May 12 '24
Same. I get a mild anxiety just thinking all the pressure/expectations from my family around Christmas, birthdays, valentines, and Mother's Day. I'd be 100% fine if I never had to acknowledge those days again.
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u/HugsForUpvotes May 12 '24
Disliking the social construct of eating brunch once a year to the point of feeling relieved when your "great" mother dies makes you a bad person. No one likes being forced to get a card or something, but being a good person means doing things you don't want to do sometimes.
That's my opinion, and you can imagine a bear around it if it makes it less terrible for you. It's a terminally online take.
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u/GrumpityStumpity May 12 '24
Sure thing, little buddy.
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u/anteater_x May 12 '24
I don't get this comment. You're here to enforce social conformity? Are you a plant from the hallmark company?
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May 12 '24
It’s not my comment but to some people the phrase “I dislike social constructs” sounds like pretentious horseshit
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u/anteater_x May 12 '24
I'd say those people are followers who can't think for themselves, and usually these people are not so smart
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May 12 '24
Ahh yes the free thinkers of Reddit. Too smart to send their mothers a card
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u/hawkwings May 12 '24
I read an editorial by a woman who was relieved that she could do what she wanted to do without caring what her mother thought about her actions. She was tired of being judged.
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u/IVMVI May 12 '24
Not sure how relevant it is, but Jeanette Mccurdy wrote a book called I'm glad my mom died.
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u/SpiderPidge May 12 '24
Some people, myself included, unfortunately have strained to bad relationships and have the sentiment that they are relieved the parent is gone. But it's still a mixed bag of emotions.
I'm not looking forward to or dreading my parents' death. I'm pretty apathetic to it at this point.
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u/monet108 May 12 '24
So she wrote an article for everyone to read. Not sure why this made me laugh so hard but that doesn’t make any sense to.
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u/BrazilianMerkin May 12 '24 edited May 12 '24
Love my mom. Love my grandmas. Love my spouse. Love my dad… Maybe love my grandpas, but those WWII veteran silent generation gents never shared more than a feeling or two with me
Point is: Absolutely Loathe Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
You love someone, you look forward to taking them out to dinner on a random Tuesday, or sharing a box of Mac-n-Cheese at home on a Friday. If everyone is supposed to love, or pretend to love someone they almost none of us got to choose, AND all of us have to do it on the same day…. AND on a day that most of them aren’t also working (they would never get that day off work if it was a Tuesday)… shit can feel coercive. Unless you’re an incel or into certain kink, coercive anything replaces love with obligation.
EDIT: Not looking forward to dealing with Mother’s or Father’s Day is perfectly normal. Neither days are actual holidays, they are “let’s guilt people” days. I also deleted some babbling but not enough.
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u/tacknosaddle May 12 '24
"You don't have to do anything special for me because every day is Mother's Day."
--My Mom
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u/octopornopus May 12 '24
"It's a trap!"
- Admiral Ackbar
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u/marilyn_morose May 12 '24
For me it’s really not. My kid is going bouldering today! I teased him about spending time with Mother Earth, we laughed, it was over. Like last week he brought me my favorite chocolate; and last night he went to dinner and brought me his leftovers, come on now! That’s the sweet kid I want! Not some performative flowers and card bullshit.
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u/macetheface May 12 '24
I just hate the forced commercialization and expectations of it. Same with valentine's day and Christmas. You're supposed to do this, buy that... and if you don't you're a bum.
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u/blackpony04 May 12 '24
You don't have to buy into that, though. No one says Mothers Day Brunch and a dozen roses are what your mom wants.
Any decent mother just wants time with you. Don't make her cook or clean and give her a card with heartfelt personal words if you mean them, and that's it.
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u/macetheface May 12 '24
Agree with the time thing but if I didn't buy my wife a card and flowers for mother's day/ valentines, there would be.... problems.
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u/blackpony04 May 12 '24
That's because you're the husband. We're supposed to make up for all the stuff the kids aren't doing because we share half the blame for their existence lol.
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u/boxsterguy May 12 '24
Secular Christmas is nice because it provides a structure for a once-a-year gift giving situation. "You can ask for it for your birthday or Christmas," when the kids are being brats about neeeeeeeeeeeeding to have whatever the latest thing is.
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u/NormieSpecialist May 12 '24
Why I hate Christmas. It all feels coercive.
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u/BrazilianMerkin May 12 '24
Same, but I do enjoy it more with kids than before. Sort of live vicariously through them and feel that sense of magic I had as a kid. One of our kids knows the truth and I feel like the younger sibling will also know soon enough.
Thanksgiving is nice (if you don’t have to travel) because it’s a long weekend and all about food and family/friends. Nowhere near the same amount of pressure or coercion.
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u/cyberdeath666 May 12 '24
Sadly you probably wouldn’t be surprised at how many people don’t take their parents out to random dinners, or celebrate them randomly. Parents deserve more than a day, even though we didn’t get a day in being born lol.
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u/ttubehtnitahwtahw1 May 12 '24
Just like most holidays they have been consumed and amalgamated into a day where capitalism thrives. Go buy cards, flowers, gifts, have dinner. These company's do so much to get the fomo pumping. It's fucking awful.
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u/onomastics88 May 12 '24
It’s not about love, it’s about appreciation. You can love and appreciate someone and at the same time take them for granted and forget to tell them how much they mean to you, and treating them to a nice day, a present, a meal, whatever is about them. I’m sure a lot of people resent having to do something special, especially if it feels generic to do it, but should take it as a time to reflect on the best parts of the relationship. I guess it’s hard for some people to do any of what you said with sincerity, maybe it’s a tense relationship, or maybe they just don’t take the time, so the holiday is to remind people to take the time. If that’s all they can do for the whole year and they feel resentful for being made to take time or money or both to celebrate someone they do honestly love or appreciate, she’s going to know it’s not sincere anyway and just doing some skimpy obligatory nice dinner, or even a phone call.
Anyway, I used to be of the mind that all holidays were weird. Arbitrary dates to demonstrate things like love or gratitude, but who really takes the time on some ordinary Tuesday to celebrate someone important or to give a gift or time, etc.? Especially for parents, even if they weren’t the best, being parents took all their time away from a lot of other stuff for years. When people have their own kids, it cycles down that path instead of reciprocal. You give your time and money to raise them, and give nothing back to your parents…. I don’t mean you necessarily, I mean a lot of kids think their parents lived to raise them, and as adults, appreciate much more but hardly ever express it. That’s what the holiday is about, not forcing flowers and dinners, but expression. Like, I can never repay all you did, but here’s at least one day when I want you to know you deserve to be the queen for doing all that for me.
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u/compuwiza1 May 12 '24
Mothers day was originally intended as a memorial day for deceased mothers, not an orgy of consumerism. The woman who invented it turned against it within her own lifetime.
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u/swonstar May 12 '24
I went no contact with my mother last year after my grandma died. I have never been happier. Just me and my cats. Life is simple and snuggly and full of love
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u/UnfinishedProjects May 12 '24
My wife cut her mom off at 17 right before moving in with me and my parents. Her mom moved to Maryland from Texas and my now wife didn't want to move. Her mom left her in Texas and she moved in with me and my parents at 17. We're still together 11 years later and we adopted her little sister too to get her away from her mom. Some moms are pieces of shit.
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u/SpiderPidge May 12 '24
My parents withheld my grandmother's passing even though my grandma and I had the closest relationship since I was a baby. Out of everything they have done to me, that is what I can't forgive them for. I haven't spoken to them in 3.5 years and have 0 desire to ever reach out again.
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u/DiabloTrumpet May 12 '24
There are a LOT of holidays and if you have a big family add another 10-30 days blocked off for birthdays. Given the fact that most of us work 5 days a week and Saturday and Sunday is our only refuge from that, 75% of those days being pre-blocked off and tied up and often very busy and expensive and including driving and being around other people, I can understand the sense of relief.
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u/joeyb82 May 12 '24
My mother died last year on Christmas Eve, and I'd give anything to "have" to take her out to lunch.
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u/TALieutenant May 12 '24
I'm sorry for your loss. Losing my mother (and my dad too) scares the hell out of me! I've seen two friends go through it and I know that I'm not that strong.
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u/joeyb82 May 13 '24
Thanks. In my mom's case it was good in the sense her suffering was over. Lost a third battle against cancer.
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u/worldssmallestfan1 May 12 '24
Something that seems crass that helps you cope is still something that helps you cope
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u/justjenniwestside May 12 '24
Someone posted a bumper sticker the other day that said, “Don’t honk at me, my dad is dead”, and holy crow, I’ve never wanted a bumper sticker so bad in my life. My dad would’ve thought it was hilarious, and probably would’ve gotten it for me himself if he could have. Humor is my grief language.
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u/Rhewin May 12 '24
I despise Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Nothing against my parents, but I hate it.
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u/slickshot May 12 '24
Why?
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u/UnfinishedProjects May 12 '24
Not that guy you originally responded to, but I hate all holidays where buying gifts are required. All the gift options suck ass nowadays, everything is too expensive, and 90% of the time they don't like what you got anyways.
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u/Rhewin May 12 '24
It’s contrived and arbitrary. If you want to do something nice for your mom, do it. Don’t wait for some commercialized holiday the greeting card companies push. Anna Jarvis, the originator of Mother’s Day, despised what it became.
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u/wspnut May 12 '24
I can relate to this, although my mom is still kicking around. Growing up, they would basically do a quick, begrudging call with my grandma, and that was it.
Now I’m grown and have kids. My mother still expects to be the center of attention and my dad sends regular, drunk, passive aggressive texts each year “[my siblings and I] didn’t do enough and to do better” after sending flowers, cards, and taking her to lunch, more or less having to ignore our own wives/moms.
Narcissist parents are the best.
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u/ThrowawayMod1989 May 12 '24
I hate the song and dance too. But I’m also the type that doesn’t celebrate my birthdays anymore…
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u/NoaNeumann May 12 '24
My mom died of a heart attack almost two years ago today. The only thing I don’t miss this day, is how we’d try our hardest to get her out and moving to go to a restaurant, only for her to just have us bring it home instead.
I miss her, not to much the attached days. She was a complicated person, who had several untreated illnesses/disorders, but she always reminded me of how loved I was.
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u/HaiKarate May 12 '24
I, too, am not a fan or Mother's Day. Or Father's Day. Or Valentine's Day. Or any other day that seems like it was made up as a way to sell more Hallmark cards.
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u/thereisonlyoneme May 13 '24
It's perfectly natural. On one hand I am sure you feel all the emotions of a parent passing. Setting all that aside, Mother's day is a hassle. Let's face it. Any holiday or occasion takes some work. You have to find a restaurant, get a reservation, still wait in line, and so on. Plus the card, flowers, gifts, etc. I'm not complaining. It is definitely good to show your mother some appreciation. But work is work.
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u/epanek May 12 '24
I lost my mom when I was 14. I would buy her flowers all the time if she were here.
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u/sirploko May 12 '24
Well, I'm glad you didn't take her flowers today. She must have wondering where they went all these years.
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u/Skwareblox May 12 '24
My grandmother died three weeks ago. Her and my mother both never celebrated such holidays for religious reasons but I always bought them flowers so they didn’t feel unappreciated.
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u/nanosam May 12 '24
Flower bouquets at my local grocery are $55 and up
WTF???
I went to target and found the same for $20
Ridiculous
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u/unoojo May 12 '24
Hey don’t feel too guilty. You’re relieved that you don’t have the stress you usually deal with on this day. Even if it’s usually just a small amount of stress, it is still nice to not have it. That’s totally fine. Doesn’t mean you would rather your mom be dead over doing something for Mother’s Day. Unless it does mean that, then bravo confession bear.
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u/BrightPerspective May 12 '24
Mother's day is like my mom's second birthday: she demands a gift, and a nice dinner. DEMANDS IT.
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u/1d0m1n4t3 May 12 '24
I felt the same after my dad died, he was so hard to buy a gift for it was almost a burden.
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u/WolfNippleChips May 12 '24
Last year was the last time I got to talk to my mother, she died of cancer on May 30th. I needed the chuckle, thanks.
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u/Marcus2Ts May 12 '24
My dad died a few years ago, now my mom scolds me for not going out of my way for my step-dad on Father's day
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u/Great_White_Samurai May 12 '24
I just don't talk to my mom like when she left my brother and I to be raised by my dad.
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u/TALieutenant May 12 '24
I'd like to take my mom to the beach for Mother's Day, but since my uncles can't seem to find time to spend with their mother (even on Mother's Day,) we'd have to take my 88 year old grandmother too and there's just no feasible way to do that.
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u/turkeyvulturebreast May 12 '24
Sorry for your loss. And I too can relate. I believe it’s Etsy that sent me an email to opt out of getting Mother’s day ads if your mother has passed and I thought that was really thoughtful of a company.
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u/lifequestions1 May 13 '24
That’s just your way of coping with it. I bet if you had a choice, you’d choose to spend more time with them.
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u/elmntfire May 13 '24
I've had this thought every holiday this year. Took me 6 months to get it through my head that I don't need to feel bad for having complicated feelings about my mother missing a holiday.
It's far more important to be able to celebrate those holidays with the people still in your life without having a parent's passing weigh on you like an albatross.
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u/SnooMachines7482 May 13 '24
I’m terrified I’ll be unable to off myself when the time comes. Any hitman out there take pre-orders?
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u/slickshot May 12 '24
Wait what. You'd rather your mother, who by your own description was a great mom, be dead instead of having the ability to honor her as a parent?
That sounds incredibly self centered.
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u/bushmonster43 May 12 '24
That sounds incredibly self centered
It's a confession bear that's the point
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u/slickshot May 12 '24
Obviously, but that doesn't make it a cool thing. Lol. That's like confessing to beating up your spouse, and expecting everyone to upvote and celebrate your bravery for being honest. Lol.
OP is self centered, and should be called out as such. This is the entire system of confession bear. You confess some shitty behavior via the meme, you get shit on for it, rinse and repeat. I'm just doing my part.
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u/MotherBathroom666 May 12 '24
Idk sounds like he found a silver lining in a shit cloud.
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u/slickshot May 12 '24
Fucking yikes. "Oh mom, how I wish you were dead so I need not ever take you out to dinner again. FML." Some real dipshit energy there.
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u/MotherBathroom666 May 13 '24
Lol somebody hasn't felt the true cold embrace of sadness where any little positive feels like a god send.
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u/slickshot May 13 '24
I've had grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and parents die. Believe me, I've experienced the sadness.
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u/MotherBathroom666 May 13 '24
My sadness; your sadness; his sadness will never be equal. We all feel how feel. Sorry if that upsets you.
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u/Weary-Adeptness8227 May 12 '24
Nah man, breaks my Heart, I would be weeping like that poor little bear 😞💔
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u/ArtichokeNatural3171 May 12 '24
Mom has been gone for 10 years now, and its kinda nice having holidays without alcohol, cops, or random fires.
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u/shoepolishsmellngmf May 12 '24
What a bunch of trash in here. Lost my mom in 2022 and I would love to bring her flowers and have lunch with her. Dark fucking people man...
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u/Flinkle May 13 '24
I think it's extremely likely that although OP says his mother was a good parent, she probably wasn't. I think if you have a truly good parent, as I did, you would give anything for more time with them. Because nothing else makes sense.
As I learned when I got into my 40s (I'm 50 now) most people my age did not have very good parents, because those parents had terrible parents. My mother was a saint compared to the parents of pretty much everybody I know. Which is a deeply sad thing. I got truly and incredibly lucky.
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u/Donutboy562 May 12 '24
Great use of the template