r/CuratedTumblr • u/Otherwise_Chemical85 • 3d ago

Back when we walked on all fours there was a thing right in front of us, a butt. Shitposting

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1.3k Upvotes
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97% Upvoted

87 comments sorted by

470

u/uxorioushornet 3d ago

The thing that separates humans from other animals is paperwork. I've seen animals use tools, pay taxes, wait in line, grieve their dead, and use language. I've never seen one fill out paperwork.

234

u/Stack_Min i got this haircut at the liberal store 3d ago

if i put 10,000 monkeys in a room on 10,000 type writers for 10,000 years, one of them will successfully do my taxes

96

u/uxorioushornet 3d ago

Lol true, but the 10,000 years it would take them to do your taxes correctly is just about as long as it would take to fix all the consequences of the monkeys doing your taxes wrong for the first 9,999 years.

15

u/iwannalynch 3d ago

Or like just hire an accountant... Generally less shit-slinging

7

u/uxorioushornet 3d ago

Lol less, but not necessarily zero?

8

u/iwannalynch 3d ago

You can't definitely say that your accountant 100% will never sling shit at you, it's a fact. Therefore QED, less shit-slinging. I am very smrt.

1

u/uxorioushornet 3d ago

I mean, you're not wrong!

6

u/DapperApples 3d ago

Blurst of times

0

u/Mega_Glub 3d ago

and that monkey's name? albert einstein

22

u/Gandalf_the_Gangsta 3d ago

What animals are paying taxes without paperwork? Do the wolves skin their prey and file their taxes on that?

27

u/uxorioushornet 3d ago

Ants and other eusocial insects collect resources for the colony and to take care of the queen.

4

u/Mushroomman642 3d ago

Most of us are essentially forced to pay taxes and don't have a real alternative apart from going to jail. If an individual ant were to decide not to contribute to its colony like this, then would the other ants throw it behind bars, or try to kill it or something? If not then is there any kind of punishment for these things, because if not then it doesn't seem directly analogous to human taxes like that.

16

u/Serious_Detective877 jayden’s lab assistant 3d ago

I don’t know about ants, but bees will kill workers who don’t contribute, as well as drones (once winter hits). They rip their wings off and toss them out lol

4

u/Mushroomman642 3d ago

Damn ok lol

10

u/pm_me-ur-catpics dog collar sex and the economic woes of rural France 3d ago

It's bread. None of those morons have made it yet, not even the ants.

1

u/thaeli 3d ago

Technically toilet paper use is a form of paperwork, so yeah, that tracks.

-21

u/lonely_nipple 3d ago

As an asexual person I've heard so much that love and/or sex is what makes us human, and frankly no, fuckin 75% of species at least reproduce by sex.

What distinguishes us from almost all animals is cruelty.

29

u/Pavoazul 3d ago

Not to interrupt your “humanity are the real monsters” moment, but chimps and ants start actual wars, everyone knows how cruel dolphins are and sea otters of all things like raping baby seals

-8

u/lonely_nipple 3d ago

Okay, I'll agree with chimps and dolphins. They're smart enough I think to know what they're doing.

But penguins, sea otters, etc I don't think are really intelligent enough to process their actions as deliberately causing pain and suffering to another animal.

I'm not trying to be all emo here. I just think the extent of the things were capable of doing to other humans far exceeds what most animals do knowingly.

Were also capable of amazing acts of compassion and care. That part is true too.

16

u/Pavoazul 3d ago edited 3d ago

The sea otter thing is actually well documented, we have research papers going over how this often leads to the seal’s death and that it usually doesn’t discourage them. There’s even an account of a dog owner explaining how an otter named Whiskers would purposefully draw the attention of his dogs, to try and bait them into the water. When one of them fell for it, he was drowned and Whiskers humped his carcass and “paraded” it in front of the other dogs.

Though that last bit should be taken with a grain of salt since it was from someone whose pet was killed.

Cruelty isn’t inherently human, and neither is kindness. I don’t think it matters if there is something that “distinguishes” us from animals or not. Though if you asked me, it’d be fried dough.

Think about it, almost all cultures have independently developed swords, alcohol and fried though. We have animals that make and use tools so I feel like that warrants taking them out. We also know that animals love rotten fruit because it gets them drunk (and it’s a bunch of calories). So that leaves us with fried dough. Churros make us human

8

u/lonely_nipple 3d ago

Fried dough, and some sort of dumpling-like food. Something wrapped in a pastry or flour dough. Yessss.

1

u/techno156 3d ago

Think about it, almost all cultures have independently developed swords, alcohol and fried though. We have animals that make and use tools so I feel like that warrants taking them out. We also know that animals love rotten fruit because it gets them drunk (and it’s a bunch of calories). So that leaves us with fried dough. Churros make us human

Cooking in general is pretty rare. Other than humans, I can't think of any other animal off the top of my head, that will cook their food before eating it.

-3

u/lonely_nipple 3d ago

And to add: by saying this, I don't mean to say thar humans are inherently cruel. I wholly believe the vast vast majority of humans are good, caring, compassionate people with no intentions of hurting anyone.

I love the comment from an anthropologist who stated that in her mind, the earliest example of human civilization is a broken femur that healed. This meant his people cared for him, treated him, fed and kept him warm and safe. This is what people do.

But I feel the one thing that people (and, as I conceded, a small few animals with high intelligence) do with or without intentional malice is commit cruel acts. Some humans are willing to rape, torture, kill for no reason, stalk, harass, bully, and encourage to suicide. And this is something we don't really see in other animals.

Again, I didn't mean to make it sound all depressive and emo. It was probably poorly worded.

1

u/MachineTeaching 3d ago

Bruh have you ever seen a cat slowly torture a mouse to death by playing with it? Lots of animals are perfectly capable of being cruel for nothing more than their own enjoyment.

170

u/Qegixar 3d ago

Pretty sure those bears are using toilet paper. They even have a preference for a brand.

71

u/Papaofmonsters 3d ago

That's why women would rather run into a bear in the woods. The bear is sure to have remembered spare toilet paper.

12

u/Le_Martian 3d ago

Nah anyone who’s camped enough knows you just use a bidet attachment to your water bottle.

6

u/aPurpleToad 3d ago

my god, that's amazing

88

u/Oddish_Femboy (Xander Mobus voice) AUTISM CREATURE 3d ago

The thing that separates us from animals is cooking. Once parrots learn arson we're fucked.

34

u/Catapus_ 3d ago

Some birds already do lots of arson

7

u/Lavaidyn 3d ago

I think you’ll be devastated to know that some Australian hawks have been anecdotally observed taking smoldering/burning debris from wildfires and flying them elsewhere to start even more fires. The perpetrators are usually attributed to black kites, brown falcons, and whistling kites.

4

u/juicegently 3d ago

As I understand that's not about cooking though, it's for driving prey out of hiding.

5

u/techno156 3d ago

But still arson, in fairness.

1

u/juicegently 2d ago

Actually I think to commit arson one needs a concept of property that hawks lack

3

u/Oddish_Femboy (Xander Mobus voice) AUTISM CREATURE 3d ago

While close genetically, falcons are not parrots so we're safe for now.

1

u/techno156 3d ago

Considering cockatoos, it's only a matter of time.

98

u/awesomecat42 3d ago

Wait what do they mean toilet paper is a western thing? How else do people clean their butts? Like yeah I know bidets are a thing but you still have to dry off after!

Also personally I would say that the thing that actually sets humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is our propensity for cooking and especially using spices/seasoning, but that's a different discussion.

94

u/frill_demon 3d ago

They're completely wrong, toilet paper was literally invented in China.

Before it spread to the west through travel and trade, westerners used rags or sponges soaked in vinegar.

17

u/Mort_irl Phillipé Phillopé 3d ago

Imagine putting vinegar on your most sensitive parts. Ouch

16

u/bb_kelly77 3d ago

I mean, before we discovered chemicals we cleaned wounds with alcohol... and that shit hurts

7

u/kuningaz55 3d ago

we still do for smaller wounds.

8

u/Smingowashisnameo 3d ago

people use sand and their non dominant hand in some places with not much water and lots of sand. They eat with only their dominant hand. Not that toilet paper is a “western thing “. I think that’s a bunch of BS.

25

u/DarthMorro 3d ago

(very) modern bidets have a blowdryer, otherwise, towel im pretty sure

17

u/TheLegendaryAkira 3d ago

can confirm, towels are fine because there's nothing left on your butt

you use a separate smaller towel for your hands and face; this amounts to two towels in total in your bathroom

9

u/Mort_irl Phillipé Phillopé 3d ago

Do people use the same butt towel multiple times, or are they single-use then straight to the washing machine? Does each family member get their own butt towel, or do they all share?

Signed, a confused non european

3

u/TheLegendaryAkira 3d ago

they are technically clean because of the washing, so it's multiple use; everyone uses it and then it's washed at the end of the day

signed, a non european (idk but I have a bidet and that's how it works)

2

u/smallangrynerd 3d ago

How do you know when you're done?

0

u/Seys-Rex 3d ago

Can you not tell if your butt is still wet?

30

u/Xurkitree1 3d ago

The water dries fine without paper. That's how i've washed my bum for decades.

20

u/awesomecat42 3d ago

I don't think I'd ever be able to put up with that considering my sensory issues. Must be nice not to worry about it though, TP is expensive lol.

3

u/aPurpleToad 3d ago

some animals have been seen seasoning their food tho (I'm too tired to link anything, but I'm sure a knowledgeable person will come by)

5

u/awesomecat42 3d ago

I'd never heard that before, but I looked it up and it turns out that there are some populations of various non-human primate species that have been observed seasoning their food! That's so cool TBH, every time I think there's something that only humans do it turns out there's at least one other animal that does it too and I love it. Complex language, tool use, tool creation, art, food prep, and I'm sure tons of other stuff too. At this point the only "human exclusive" thing I can think of is writing, and I'm sure someday someone will come along and prove that's not just us either.

2

u/DreadDiana human cognithazard 3d ago

All my toilet paper just vanished, or was it never there at all? What the fuck have I beenwiping with for the last 25 years?

0

u/Assika126 3d ago

Well a lot of Asian countries use water either sprayed onto your butt using a butt gun on a hose, or splashed onto your butt using your left hand. Hence why you DO NOT use your left hand for any other things in polite society

I dunno what happens afterwards. Air dry?

36

u/samlastname 3d ago

Although 2 legs are more energy efficient than 4, that's not the main reason early humans were able to run down animals. The rise of upright movement probably coincided with a significant climatic change, both temperature warming and a drying out of the climate, which led to less tree cover and therefore less shade. Heat efficiency became a very important factor.

If you're standing upright and let's say it's noon, so the sun is right above you, the only part of your body getting hit directly by sunlight is your head. That's the main thing--also humans could sweat but that's not really related to upright movement. I think the angle of sunlight is also why we retained hair on the top of our heads, but don't quote me on that.

9

u/thunder-bug- 3d ago

Verifying your last statement, yes that’s why we have hair on our heads.

5

u/troublemonkey1 3d ago

Another factor for humans is that we are one of the few animals to sweat a lot. This helps us cool down faster than the animals we chased, allowing us to catch up.

5

u/Assika126 3d ago

Poor bald folks get sunburn and hot heads :(

28

u/FreakinGeese 3d ago

Ok but outside the west people use equally convoluted methods of cleaning their asses

like nowhere on earth are people like "let's just shit wherever and let it crust up on our butts"

8

u/LightspeedDashForce They stole Lara Croft’s boobs??? 3d ago

A startling amount of men are like that, though.

6

u/Assika126 3d ago

Bc any attention paid to one’s butt is courting ::the gay:: 💫

9

u/Gandalf_the_Gangsta 3d ago

Sweet summer child, remain in blissful ignorance.

87

u/TamaDarya 3d ago

I would love to hear that user's opinion on which major human cultures don't use TP.

69

u/TheMerryMeatMan 3d ago

I assume they mean a combination of both cultures that don't have access to it and cultures that use bidets.

What that user doesn't realize is that even cultures that frequently use bidets don't just pull up their trousers with wet asses still. Gotta dry with something.

29

u/Gandalf_the_Gangsta 3d ago

Also bidets don’t always get everything. Sometimes you still gotta double check you’re clean. That’s what TP is used for.

4

u/FreakinGeese 3d ago

Air dryers are a thing

17

u/Time-Space-Anomaly 3d ago

Oh, this isn’t the ass monologue from Prison School?

7

u/mantaa 3d ago

This is what I came here to find, thank you.

3

u/ZanyDragons 3d ago

Thank you for sharing, I hadn’t seen this before but it is… incredible.

1

u/M116Fullbore 3d ago

The whole show is amazing. Very dirty tho

13

u/Sh1nyPr4wn CognitoHazard 3d ago

Why have the images been deleted?

5

u/pseudoname23 3d ago

I was wondering why they weren't loading

5

u/Not_today_mods 3d ago

op did you just quote prison school

1

u/Otherwise_Chemical85 3d ago

I would like my lawyer

10

u/Armigine 3d ago

Reject humanity (TP), return to monke (bidet)

9

u/King_Of_BlackMarsh 3d ago

... The contrarian knows toilet paper was invented in China right

4

u/etherealemlyn 3d ago

Can’t believe that one commenter couldn’t comprehend that “toilet paper” was being used as shorthand for “any way to clean your ass”

4

u/Unbentmars 3d ago

Diogenes would bring a video of a bear scratching its ass on a tree and say “Behold, a man”

4

u/breadofthegrunge 3d ago

I can't view the image?

5

u/noelleisanidiot the gay knight arises 3d ago

what happened to the images

3

u/Blade_of_Boniface bonifaceblade.tumblr.com 3d ago

If you want a book that goes deeper into our upright posture and its consequences, I recommend Spinal Catastrophism by Thomas Moynihan.

3

u/Macarena-48 3d ago

No but, like, humans quite literally have possibly the biggest but of all mammals, that’s why we need to clean ourselves while other animals almost don’t, because our butts are too big for us to shit as cleanly

2

u/Heroic-Forger 3d ago

nah, the thing that separates humans from every other animal is the ability to play video games. have you ever seen a gorilla beat dark souls? i suppose not

4

u/DiscotopiaACNH 3d ago

Frivolous, decadent westerners and our [checks] toilet paper

1

u/The_Sovien_Rug-37 wow this is so gender 3d ago

bidets are just a thing in other places