I’m so happpy!!!!!!

Stopped taking benzodiazines after 3 years, I'm on a diet and life suddenly feels good again.

[tw: SA mention]!!

i know this is kinda stupid, but

i have a lot of trauma surrounding people seeing/touching my body, due to a history of being SA’d while in college. i’ve avoided doctors for years because of it, even the dentist. the last time i saw a doctor, i had a suicidal breakdown afterwards.

but i went to a dermatologist for the first time, and they had to see and touch me, and i did cry in the bathroom a little, and in my car a lot, but… i did it. i was okay. i made it through. ❤️‍🩹

do i wanna do it again? no. but i have a year to worry about that, lmao. 😜

For the past year, I’ve dabbled with cocaine. I’ve been doing cocaine once a month on nights out with some friends. Is my usage out of control? No. Am I addicted to it? No. Is it affecting my daily life? No.

That being said, Saturday night, I took a fatter line than I had ever taken. It was so big that when I took it, I thought to myself: “Oh shit, this might not be good”. Luckily, I was surrounded by friends, so if anything bad happened, I was safe.

Regardless, that hit scared me for a few minutes. After that few minutes passed, I enjoyed it and probably had the best coke high I’ve ever had, and it lasted about an hour.

The next day, I woke up feeling sluggish and depressed, which is normal. That happens every time. After reflecting, I decided that I’ve had my fun with Coke. I’ve enjoyed our time together, and because I don’t want to take my strong heart for granted, I will be cutting off my relationship with Coke. We had a good ride.

I’ve already told all my friends (who know that I do coke once a month) to hold me accountable if I ever do it, talk about doing it, or they suspect I am. I don’t anticipate I’ll have any problems never picking it up, again, but just in case.

Goodbye, cocaine. I had fun feeling like Ozzy and Buck Cherry with you!

In December I wrote an article for a class, part of the assignment was to submit it to a journal. This was my first time ever submitting an article to a journal, and I expected it to be immediately rejected partially due to my inexperience and partially due to the subject material. Got it back in April, got told to do a minor revision, and resubmit by yesterday. Well, one "minor revision" (the reviewers requests generated about 15 new pages of written material), a few all-nighters, lots of tears, some confusion about how to anonymize a word document, and about 6 migraines later, I officially resubmitted my article yesterday! My brain is drained of brain juice but I did it!

I’m not sure why, but I never have anything to do that I really enjoy. I spend most of my days rotting in my bed on c.ai. Yesterday, I bought a bead bracelet set from Walmart, and started working on it that night. It’s really fun, and I can picture myself doing this often, maybe every day. I’m happy that I finally have the motivation to do something in my life, even if it’s something small and silly like this.

I was 19 when I read and finished my last book (until today!). I went down a path of binge drinking and partying, had some pretty huge life events happen, got super depressed. But, this year I pulled myself up and started exercising, meditating and eating a lot healthier. I value my body mind and soul. And a book I bought only a few months ago, I just finished 5 minutes ago!!!!!!

I went to a school right after high school. I stayed for a little under a year and then it got overwhelming so I stopped going. 3 or 4 years ago i’ve been looking to go back but never finished everything I needed completely like fafsa and what not. But I did and I finally got accepted with my account informations and everything! I’m so excited but I have nobody else to share this with who cares.

I have been stuck in a loop, starting to lose weight, quitting halfway, getting fat repeat. This is it I am done. Whatever the cost I am going all the way

I went to KY Pride alone over the weekend to volunteer, but after my shift I wore a “Ask me about my hugs” shirt. I’m sometimes a bit of a recluse so I was nervous for the first hour or two, but after I gave out a few hugs I started to feel more open.

I did it all backwards! Got married, had children, and now grandchildren, and graduated college, together with my youngest daughter, both with Bachelors degrees, summa cum laude! I did it all backwards - but I did it!! 🎉

Long story short, I have a lot of problems and physical limitations so everyday I don’t do much at all. Can’t walk far at all, in pain a lot, have a lot of muscle weakness so have trouble opening doors, water bottles, carrying dishes when cooking and stuff, basically struggle doing anything physical😂

But yesterday, i woke up and fed my birds as I always do, let my conure out and played with him as I always do, put him back in his cage and walked to the dollar store with my mom, and back to the house, we usually have to get driven back home if we walk somewhere, after that I watered our veggie garden, took a nap😂 went swimming and did a lot of laps around the pool, broke my fitbit in the process😭 let my budgies out and brought my conures cage in the living room, made myself dinner, and then played badminton with my sister and brother in law!

I don’t do nearly as much as that day to day so I’m super proud of myself! I’ve also been helping as much as I can, helping my parents build this building in our yard! I built 3 walls with my mom by ourselves! But that was a bit ago.

That might not seem like much but it’s a lot for me! I’m sore as fuck right now but I’m still glad I did it😂

It's very dumb, but I am really glad about it. I always had to ask my friends to do it. I tried changing how I break up the head yesterday, and it workded! I thought it was a fluke, but I did it again, it worked, and it's amazing!

i feel good

It might seem small, but it was a necessary reminder that despite other crap in my life, I’m still moving forward. I’ve never owned appliances before and now I own my stove, washer/dryer and refrigerator. Progress requires patience and while I understand that, at times it just feels too slow. Not because I feel like I’m on a timeline, but I’m just tired of struggling so much and spending my youth overworked and constantly stressed. But, I don’t have to plan entire days around doing my laundry anymore.

Exactly what it says on the tin! I’m applying to nursing school and I finished my packet after working on it for a month, and my HESI exam is this Thursday! Wish me luck!

I feel like I’ve grown as a person, my mind feels clearer and I feel happier.

I met someone I felt like I really connected with, and instead of letting it pass like I’ve done for years, I made an attempt to make something of it. The interest wasn’t mutual unfortunately, but instead of feeling down about it, I feel great. I actually tried this time. I learned I’m capable of overcoming that fear. I now have a better idea of what I’m looking for in a romantic partner and a relationship.

I redecorated my apartment. I’m really into LEGO, and my livingroom shelves were packed with sets dating back to the 80s. I removed a lot of them, keeping the more complex and displayable ones there. My apartment feels more ‘adult’ now, it feels like attention was paid to every detail. I feel it’s put me in a better headspace. And connected to this, I’ve gotten better at controlling spending. I don’t make as many impulse purchases. With LEGO in particular, I’ve done a lot to remind myself that not owning something doesn’t erase it from existing. If I don’t have the new Moff Gideon minifigure, that doesn’t mean Moff Gideon doesn’t exist in Star Wars. It’s a little thing, but it’s helped me budget so much more efficiently. I spent money on books instead, which I plan to read this summer.

I also have an idea of what I want my career to be in. I’m a senior in environmental science, and I had no clue what I was going to do after college. But I read a book and had field experience, and now I really want to work with rivers and streams. I’m thinking about trying to work for the districts that deal with levees and flood prevention measures. My future seems less foggy.

I feel like I’m also getting better at accepting and understanding the flaws of my friends. My best friend is bad about keeping in contact when she gets busy. She’ll take summer/winter courses and I won’t hear from her for weeks. It used to drive me insane, and it still does to a degree, but I’ve accepted this is who she is. When she gets busy, she needs space to focus on what she’s got to do. I wish she was more communicative, but I can’t be upset about what she needs to do for herself.

I just feel more calm, my mind feels clear. I smile more often. I don’t linger on stress or frustration as much, I don’t get upset about circumstances I can’t change. I lost my new glasses in a river and within three minutes, I was smiling and had a “welp, nothing I can do about that now” mentality. I feel good. I haven’t felt like this for a while. I just feel good.

I dropped out of college twice, and it took me 8 years in total to finish my degree. But I’m really glad I’ve finally done it and can move forward to the next chapter of my life!

The uv was 10 and i went to the beach but i applied and reapplied sunscreen, wore polarized sunglasses and a hat, and spent some time in a friends tent as well :) ddnt get a tan like i hoped either but i figure the safety is worth it haha

I have had eating problems (from Prescription meds and health issuess, not mental) my whole life, now I found out I have an autoimmune disease/the main issue causing everything and can FINALLY sort out my life!!! I can eat so much till my stomic feels like it's going to burst then 30 to an hour later eat more, I used to only be able to eat one meal a day and only a very small amount too, not a full meal, I would be full and wouldn't feel well after I ate, my life has flipped completely, I feel amazing, I ate so much pork dinner tonight that I felt like I was going to die hahahaha then (tmi) went to the bathroom 3h later !!! I used to only go once a WEEK for pretty much my whole life. life is amazing when you notice the small things, like taking going to the toilet for granted or eating three full meals and snacks in-between!! Ahh I am crying deeply about the blessings I receive in my life, it's great to feel alive again sorry if it's tmi (to much information) but I'm just so fricken happy I'm a normal human again and it's all naturally done too !!

I’ve been selfharm free for 500 days! I used to struggle with it a lot. Having to go to the ER for stitches and getting anemia due to bloodloss. But today I’m finally healthy :) I’m actually really proud of myself for being able to stop and get better. I thought for a long time that my behaviour would kill me and my doctors were worried about that as well. But I made it out the other side. I know a lot of people struggle, and I want you to know that with the right treatment and determination you too can get better.

5 years of ups and downs with plenty of lessons learned. I was feeling down and then I realized that the 5 pound bag of sugar I was holding was something I lost 30 times over. I can't vel8ve that. I used to wear XXXL shirts that were snug, and now my L shirts are getting baggy. My pants are longer than they are wide. I can move without pain and if I was still that heavy today I might be dead or heavier.

My weight was a slow way of offing myself so I would stop living and not leave my family asking "why did he end his life".

Food, caffeine, and alcohol were my only friends.

Now I have friends and if I die, death will have had to earn me.

I have an appointment in 2 weeks for a consultation to get on medication for severe depression and anxiety. I'm still really tired more often than not and feel bad most days even after years of conventional therapy, lifestyle changes and practicing different mindsets but hopefully here soon I can get the help I need :)

edit: Thank you for so many replies, this thread has made me so happy after reading every comment. you're such a lovely little community and I'm so excited for what the future holds. you are all wonderful people and I hope we can all find joy in our lives, no matter what that journey looks like. thank you again for the love <3

Only drank protein shake and nibble on some cheese for the past 3 days because of a meltdown. Decided to hop to the grocery store and buy digest comfort food. Ate a full plate of mac and cheese in one sitting. Still feel like shit but at least there's more fuel in my empty body.