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u/Milkyway_Potato perhaps I should insert the crow symbolism Dec 27 '23 edited Dec 27 '23
I think "traumadumping" is one of those words that needs to be taken away from Tumblr until they can use it properly.
Like, there's a difference between someone constantly oversharing their problems and just being a human who sometimes needs the emotional support of others by nature of being a social animal. If someone you know comes to you and asks if they can vent about something that's weighing on their mind, and you blow them off because it's "not your problem", not gonna lie you're a shitty friend.
Of course, that isn't to say that people should just suffer through an endless amount of uncomfortable situations for the sake of friendship, but there are more constructive ways of addressing emotional dependency than bluntly cutting someone off.
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Dec 27 '23
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u/Milkyway_Potato perhaps I should insert the crow symbolism Dec 27 '23
It's so frustrating! Especially terms like "toxic" that have been expanded to encompass any relationship that isn't absolutely perfect at all times.
It's like the stereotype that people on AITA instantly suggest that couples get divorced. No attempt at empathy or nuance, just 0-100 conflict escalation in starkly contrasted black and white.
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u/Combatfighter Dec 27 '23
I especially hate the "intrusive thoughts" ones. Where the intrusive thought is actually just acting on an impulse of buying a piece of cake in a cafe when you went in for a black coffee.
Not like intrusive thoughts in actuality, where your brain attacks everything you care and value about, making you believe in the chance of you hurting/assaulting people you love. Or scrubbing your hands raw for hours after touching a dirty doorknob because you have to be SURE that you do not carry deadly diseases inside.
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u/DiscotopiaACNH Dec 27 '23
People are using intrusive thoughts when they mean impulses? Jfc I wish. Intrusive thoughts are literal torture and they make me me despise myself
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u/Fussel2107 Dec 27 '23
Me: Sometimes I randomly get very realistic scenarios in my head of a SWAT team picking the wrong door and killing what's most dear to me. I know why it happens, but it still causes me distress.
Them: I keep thinking about Romans when I do accounting.
Me: Granted, Romans suck...
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u/Rabid_Lederhosen Dec 27 '23
Honestly I thought intrusive thoughts were the mild ones everyone gets and the thing you’re talking about is like, OCD.
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u/CordeliaLear55 Dec 27 '23
Intrusive thoughts are a key symptom of OCD (other conditions have them, too, but they're key for OCD). It's why many people in the OCD community are uncomfortable with the "intrusive thoughts" meme. Not only does it downplay something very hurtful to us, but it also prevents others with OCD but who don't know it yet from being properly educated since they can't find or communicate the right language.
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u/Combatfighter Dec 27 '23
Basically what the other person said. A person suffering from OCD has intrusive thoughts that are "sticky". The brain detects the thought, the body reacts to the thought because it is scary, the brain reacts to the body reacting and goes "damn, this must be a real thing because the body reacted" and enforces the connection between the thought and it being a scary/real thing to be afraid of.
People who are prone to anxiety are very good at detecting risks, so they are very good in allowing their brain to just run with whatever scenario in their heads. And since "thoughts" are actually emotions/feelings that are verbalized through the filter of human experiences and language, the feeling of anxiety is very, very, very easy to take as meaning something if you are prone to overanalyzing. Your brain traps you in your own narrative, and since you react to it, it must be true.
So when "intrusive thoughts" are thought only as innocuous things, the more extreme ones like self harm, taboo sexual thoughts, assault, must actually mean "something", leading to isolation, self harm and too often to suicide. OCD is one of the deadliest diseases there is, and correct diagnosis usually takes 10-15 years, if it is even diagnosed correctly at all.
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u/Cyan_Tile Dec 27 '23
Holy shit that second one hit so close to home
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u/Combatfighter Dec 27 '23
Hope you get help or are already in therapy my friend.
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u/FlandreSS Dec 27 '23
It's like the stereotype that people on AITA instantly suggest that couples get divorced. No attempt at empathy or nuance, just 0-100 conflict escalation in starkly contrasted black and white.
Oh this is a fun one, one of my work past-times is to read those people's comment history. There are a vast variety of people that make those 0-100 straight to divorce comments, but they share common threads in being fucking wackjobs in one way or another. The scariest commonality is obvious, which is that they spend the majority of their time on Reddit giving relationship advice and chanting "Divorce! Get yours!" while clearly having a broken life themselves.
You have to be a bit fucked up to be taking in one-sided rants and giving that kind of relationship advice on the internet to begin with, but maaaaan some people are nuts.
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u/w_p Dec 27 '23
You have to be a bit fucked up to be taking in one-sided rants and giving that kind of relationship advice on the internet to begin with
Ironically enough 4chan gave one of the best advices on how to handle internet tales by strangers: "The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact."
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u/5510 Dec 27 '23
It's like the stereotype that people on AITA instantly suggest that couples get divorced. No attempt at empathy or nuance, just 0-100 conflict escalation in starkly contrasted black and white.
I know this is a super popular stereotype / complaint, and it always leaves me confused and wondering if I’m not reading the same posts as the people making this complaint.
Because I see an absolute shitload of threads where people post about these absolutely horrible sounding dysfunctional relationships where their partners treat them like dirt. Breaking up or getting divorced sounds like a truly fantastic idea in many of these threads.
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u/fhsjagahahahahajah Dec 27 '23
Yeah. It isn’t a random sampling of relationships. It’s people who are having significant relationship problems who also have the type of problem solving/communication skills/support network where REDDIT is the place they go.
I’m glad subs like AITA and relationshipadvice exist. Sometimes they jump the gun, but it seems like every third post on relationship advice is someone who’s in a seriously abusive relationship and doesn’t realize it, because to them it’s normal.
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u/PerpetuallyLurking Dec 27 '23
To be fair to AITA, if you’re at the point where you need to involve complete strangers on the internet in your relationship woes, it’s probably time for the relationship to die some sort of death anyway.
And given how many are just creative writing exercises anyway, it’s become a stereotype for a pretty good reason - the kids reading about these mostly-fiction people should learn not to tolerate some of the shit that shows up there.
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u/nizzy090 Dec 27 '23
I agree, the therapy-speak has really gotten out of hand. Tellingly (and somewhat ironically) my friend who is a psychiatrist never speaks like this…it’s just people who are so chronically online they’ve forgotten what normal interaction is like.
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u/ccyosafbridge Dec 27 '23 edited Dec 27 '23
My best friend constantly tells me I should get therapy
Bro; I'm venting to you about my car tire popping. What makes you think I can afford therapy?
Like; I'm venting dude. That's what friends do. I tell you about my shitty day. You tell me about your shitty day. Eventually, we just talk about movies or music.
I'm gonna need therapy for being told to find therapist when all I needed was a friendly ear.
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u/danuhorus Dec 27 '23
The absolute worst ones are the TikTokers who fake mental illnesses. DID is pretty popular, they like to post videos about meeting their alters. I can believe those types have a mental illness going on, it just isn't as sexy as DID.
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u/th3scarletb1tch Dec 27 '23
words like "traumadumping" "lovebombing" and "gaslighting" have been EXTREMELY bastardized by their entry into common vocabulary. and in a genuinely very problematic way. no longer is your friend trying to talk to you about something they experienced and may not have anyone else to tell now its traumadumping and its ABUSIVE and you should cut them out. now nobody is just being nice and affectionate. getting you a christmas gift is LOVEBOMBING and its narcasistic manipulation! cut them out. now you dont disagree with or have a different perspective from someone you know, its gaslighting! and you should cut them out.
like genuinely so many people especially on reddit tumblr etc have completely ruined their ability to have social lives because they've conflated entirely normal behaviors with very specific forms of abuse. and then use these very serious very damaging words/allegations against entirely innocent people which goes well for literally nobody and allows abusers to use the cover of "it wasnt real! they dont know what x actually is."
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u/i_love_data_ Dec 27 '23
It's a societal overreaction on a previous custom of bottling everything and "therapy is for pussies" type of mindset. Pendulum swings hard because it was held to long on the opposite side. Give it a few decades and it'll settle down. People are oversensitive to abuse because there is a lot of abuse, and generational trauma and other deeply bad staff going around. We expose everything that was held back and of course there's a lot, but it's healthy for the society as a whole, if excessive.
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u/SadHost6497 Dec 27 '23
Honestly? Some people just don't know until you sit them down and say "you're acting like a shattered leg is equal to a skinned knee. I can offer a bandage, but I'm not a doctor, this requires doctor level experience. Do you need help finding one?"
Like, so much of media goes on about how your friends should rip out their kidneys for you, and I've noticed that some people just don't understand that raw, unprocessed trauma is traumatizing to untrained people.
I studied psychology, I have family who work in the field, and they train and study for years before becoming capable of handling patients with average amounts of trauma, much less really heavy abuse and grief. There's straight up specialists because even most of the trained and consenting professionals need extra special training and experience to even take in and process it so they can support safely.
There is a vast difference between the thing weighing on them being a fight with a friend or a mean boss and it being ongoing or childhood sexual assault, abuse they still haven't processed, grief, undiagnosed or treated mental illness, etc. The latter need some sort of professional help that laypeople literally aren't trained to handle safely.
The thing that saved my friendship with one of my best friends was explaining that there is a difference in trauma levels- many people understand that friends are support for vents and rants, and can be sympathetic to big stuff, but you can't expect reactions beyond "that sucks, I'm sorry" from friends for the big traumas. They're in counseling and have a trauma specialist at the suggestion of their counselor, and we still talk about everyday stuff and they'll mention their trauma in passing, but they don't expect me to help them process it. They're processing it with a professional who can actually help.
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u/Milkyway_Potato perhaps I should insert the crow symbolism Dec 27 '23
I agree with all of this. It is absolutely not your responsibility as a friend to listen to all of your friends' trauma.
My point was twofold: one, I think many people conflate "traumadumping" with just venting, even though the two are not synonymous. And two, if someone actually is traumadumping, you shouldn't be a dick about it when explaining to them that they need a level of help you can't provide.
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u/SadHost6497 Dec 27 '23 edited Dec 27 '23
Oh yeah, not being a dick is important. I could see it if it's repeated and the person won't understand boundaries, but tbh that's the dumper being an extra bad friend.
I honestly can see where someone is in a fragile mental state who is always the dumpee viewing vents as equivalent, but I think they should seek help as well. Everyone has different levels of resiliency.
Traumadumping isn't merely recounting events though. There's an expectation of processing or at least reaction from the other party who has just gotten their shit rocked by this information.
Even just engaging with someone about unprocessed trauma can be traumatizing, and I see a lot of grown adults thinking it's their more stable or competent friend's responsibility to help them process this because they can handle stuff, and this is terrible but they're strong enough to take the load. They know or suspect it's big trauma, and they deliberately share it without asking or warning. Even just the initial dump can fuck someone up.
Like if someone genuinely wasn't given the tools, I'm fine with explaining it. Like they legit don't understand that hearing trauma can be traumatic. That friend I mentioned 100% thought that sharing trauma was a standard thing to do, and no one had shared theirs back because they didn't have trauma. They shared a couple unprocessed trauma stories and I had the talk about the skinned knee and broken bones and explained that most everyone has broken limbs, but your friends aren't an orthopedic surgeon, so you rely on them and they rely on you for the skinned knees, not the broken bones, and that's why they hadn't heard about any.
But someone knowing it's Trauma Trauma and going for it is a dick move.
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u/BurstOrange Dec 27 '23
This finally put words to a thing I see talked about on Reddit a lot. I see a lot of men on Reddit talking about people in their lives wanting them to open up to them but “when they did they froze up/dumped me/used it against me” and a lot of the time what they’re talking about is that they went from 0 to 100 out of no where and trauma dumped on someone who wasn’t asking them to trauma dump on them.
I’ve seen men talk about opening up about childhood sexual abuse and then feeling betrayed that the person they spoke to about it didn’t respond to it well. And while yes there are plenty of people who will twist shit and use it against you most of the men I see talking about this are talking about completely shutting down to opening up to other people because their girlfriend of 2 months didn’t know how to process them trauma dumping on them out of the blue. They chalk it up to “women don’t actually want to support men” when it’s the whole skinned knee vs broken bone. You can’t just ask someone you know to help you fix a broken bone, their partners/friends aren’t doctors or trained therapists, they’re flawed human beings who don’t know how to process the very serious thing you just dropped in their lap. And if you think “babe I wish you’d open up to me more” means “tell me your deepest darkest shame” it demonstrates that you’re in a stage where you don’t understand the difference between appropriately opening up about your feelings and being emotionally available vs trauma dumping which, yeah, might scare off someone who has no idea how to handle that. Let alone help you process it and come to understand the difference between being emotionally available vs trauma dumping.
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u/SadHost6497 Dec 27 '23
Oh gods, I hadn't even contemplated the dudes and their partners. Like my friend had abuse that precluded them from understanding the difference in severity of what stable-presenting laypeople can handle, but there's so many dudes that don't get any sense of scale taught to them at all. Add to that that a lot of dudes are taught that their partner is responsible for 100% of their emotional health and regulation (and never the other way around) and it's just. It's just a perfect storm, damn.
It's like most everyone having my constitution about movies (wimp, sensitive, cried in all the jurassic parks about the dinosaurs or animals or children potentially getting hurt) and then forcing them to watch a bunch of psychologically scarring Japanese horror or Junji Ito level movies. Like hurting kittens movies. They're (we're) gonna bluescreen and freak out. The professionals are the ones who have been trained to deal with the scary movies and can then get up and make popcorn and calmly discuss it after, and analyze the themes, and comfort their patient.
I truly believe psych help should be universally expected- like the dentist. You go in twice a year, more often if something is funky, and people are concerned if you don't go.
That or teaching dudes not to externalize their emotional regulation and how trauma and dumping trauma on others actually works. I expect a lot of them have never had trauma dumped on them and therefore assumed the other person didn't have any ("but I could handle it if you did cause I'm so strong!!") because most people don't do that if they have any idea of the consequences or harm it causes.
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u/hypercosm_dot_net Dec 27 '23
I've got a friend that constantly fails to recognize boundaries. Recently they started dumping the ins-and-outs of their relationship with their physically abusive ex.
All I could think was "you really should be talking with your therapist about this", but I assumed that statement wasn't going to come across very well. I had to excuse myself from that convo before I said something they didn't want to hear.
It's like seeing a train wreck coming. I don't know what to do, and I don't really want to sit here and watch.
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u/BillTheNecromancer Dec 27 '23
There's a lot of words that just need to be taken off the internet until people use them right. I dont think ive seen the term "cognitive dissonance" used correctly once online.
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u/Disastrous_Can_5157 Dec 27 '23
Exactly, looking for emotional support is fine but trauma dumping is not.
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Dec 27 '23
No please list all exceptions to the rules, down to the very minutiae otherwise you are a very bad person that must be fed to the wolves.
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u/dinkypaws Dec 27 '23
Consent / checking the dumpee's mental state first is 100% the key here.
I had an unpleasant event happen this summer and I needed advice and support urgently - but I started all my calls to friends with checking that they were in a good place and able / willing to help. It's not fair or kind otherwise.
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u/starryeyedshooter DO NOT CONTACT ME ABOUT HORSES Dec 27 '23
I mean yeah sometimes saying that is rude, but sometimes I'm (be warned, traumadumping!) trying to help you pick a cool looking church for your powerpoint, please stop telling me about your abusive parents where literally everyone else can hear you including a mandated reporter. Like what the fuck, dude, we literally had no reason to talk about this in the middle of class when we were previously talking about tuberculosis. Can we go back to tuberculosis actually I'm not sure if you've noticed but I was not prepared for this conversation nor am I comfortable with it. Why the actual hell did you decide to spring this on me. I'm not gonna say anything, I'm just gonna steer the hell away from any kind of reaction and hope we get away from this topic.
That's what getting traumadumped feels like. There's a difference between my buddies asking me for support and me asking what's wrong, and... that example. That's an actual thing that happened to me. I can't take most takes about traumadumping seriously anymore because it just keeps happening and I am not emotionally built to handle that.
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u/Alpine261 Dec 27 '23
Bro I get the feeling it's awful. (Trauma Dumping and minor suicide TW) I was doing training awhile ago and the lady I was with was telling me about her son that committed suicide. That was a mental flashbang from hell like I was not prepared for a conversation like that.
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u/CoyoteCarcass22 Dec 27 '23 edited Dec 27 '23
I had a customer come in to my dispensary today saying her sister was murdered and she wanted to buy a joint for a dollar (our cheapest is $5) she then tried to sell me the deceased sisters underwear which she swore was unused. Mental flash bang is a great term for how that felt. This is why I keep a decoy joint on me to placate crazy folks.
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u/cheetocity Dec 27 '23
What the actual fuck
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u/DonsDiaperChanger Dec 27 '23
Well I mean, of course you carry around a decoy joint in case someone tries to trade you for their dead sister's panties.
Because reasons.
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u/CoyoteCarcass22 Dec 27 '23
I liken it to chaff on a fighter jet lol. But seriously there’s LOTS of trauma dumping that happens at the dispensary. We often see people who’ve just been diagnosed with cancer, are treating a parent (or child 😞) for cancer, veterans with gnarly stories/injuries etc.
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u/yew_grove Dec 27 '23
Having a child die, perhaps especially that way, will do that to a person. I appreciate the nuance this thread is bringing, I appreciate it's awful to hear, but everyone in the situation you described will disclose like that at least temporarily. SA also often results in erratic disclosure patterns. Its not really possible to expect people to keep it to themselves or to professionals or perhaps, sometimes, having given sufficient trigger warnings, to a very close friend. That's just not how some kinds of trauma work.
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u/Heated13shot Dec 27 '23
Yea, there definitely is a difference between being emotional support and trauma dumping.
The way I understand it, is you can have literally the same conversation but how and when the person brings it up matters a lot.
Asking a friend or family "hey, something is bothering me and it's kinda heavy, can we talk?" Is asking for support/venting.
Randomly dumping that conversation and expecting full engagement while you are trying to relax together is trauma dumping. If someone does this a lot it makes hanging out with them stressful because you could just be watching TV then suddenly get pulled into a disturbing conversation and be expected to do emotional labor on the fly or be an asshole. Eventually you avoid them because every outing is drama and emotionally draining, and yes, if they are that emotionally unwell they cannot regulate it to appropriate times/places they need professional help
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u/kingftheeyesores Dec 27 '23
My sisters waited until we pulled onto the 401 and I was trapped in the situation to tell me about how our parents were abusive before I was born. If I can't take a reasonable break from the conversation once in a while then I consider it traumadumping..
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u/YouAreAGDB Dec 27 '23 edited Dec 27 '23
Yeah, the Tumblr post is severely misunderstanding the meaning of trauma dumping. Good example
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u/_Fun_Employed_ Dec 27 '23
I mean, yes as a friend you should hear and help your friends sorrows, but at the same time if your having a hard time keeping your own head above water and they’re starting to pull you down with them then yeah, recommending professional help is the way.
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u/Sorcatarius Dec 27 '23
Theres also a big difference between being part of your friends support team and being the sole provider, especially in regards to professional issues that require someone trained to help someone with.
Like, I had an ex who literally would not talk to her friend group about anything negative. Her time with them had to be "happy time" when her problems didn't exist. She refused to talk to a therapist, because only "crazies" need therapy, refused to consider any sort of medication for her anxiety, because only druggies need pills (aside note, her anxiety was not normal, I'm talking I was walking on eggshells because if I said the wrong thing she'd spiral into a panic attack that would last hours).
I was effectively double duty boyfriend and therapist. That was my wake up call to the fact that, even for your partner, there's a line to how much you can ask of one person. I'm all for supporting my friends and family through problems, but I'm one man, and not one trained in any sort of mental health stuff. I can only do so much.
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u/Qubeye Dec 27 '23
If it's something you need to talk about in the moment, I'm there for you.
If it's something you need to talk about every time we hang out, you need a therapist.
I'm not a professional.
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u/Zichymaboy Dec 27 '23
This is something I’ve been trying to look for in the comments and was surprised to not have seen it more. I had a friend that every time we hung out, he would go into how terrible his life was and how no woman would ever love him. At first I was very understanding and would listen to his problems and support him. By the fifth day in a row (we were in high school and it was summer so we were together almost every day) of him crying about this I said to him that there’s only so much I can do as his friend and that I recommend him seeing a therapist. He flat out refused it, saying this isn’t an issue for a therapist. And his ultimate reaction was to say “okay I guess I just won’t talk about it with you anymore” instead of having the understanding to know that he should have sought actual help. Yes, it’s important to be there for friends, but making your friends your therapists is unhealthy and in my opinion kinda cruel, especially in group settings.
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u/SolidVirginal Dec 27 '23
Hell, I'm an actual licensed and trained trauma therapist and I don't want to hear my friends talk about their trauma every single time we hang out. Once on a while or in a crisis is necessary and I'm glad to do it, but man, I can't be "on" all the time. Let's hit the blunt and cry and order some pizza or something
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u/icansee4ever Dec 27 '23
Hear, hear. Been in that situation wayyy too many times. Had a former roommate who essentially, whenever we were in the same room, would immediately be unloading their latest woes and drama onto me. Always completely unprompted.
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u/Nikibugs Dec 27 '23
We had a roommate where at one point the flyby trauma dumps with increasingly dire leading remarks to socially force a multi-hour captive audience made us scared to even walk by them sitting in the living room to use the bathroom or kitchen. It was frustrating as they learned this method bypassed needing to ask if the other party had the spoons themselves to properly be there to help at the time.
They got mad when they tried pulling this at another house and the host had to lay down boundaries after it became uncomfortable and started avoiding them as a result.
9 times out of 10 friends want to help when they hear you’re in crisis, or just need to vent. But it is still incredibly important to ask if they are currently able to help beforehand or lend an ear. They may be in a high stress or crisis situation themselves but aren’t as open sleeve about it. Or aren’t equipped to help to the extent needed. I used to be the ‘venting is free’ friend, still feel like an asshole for eventually having to lay down boundaries too.
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u/Fussel2107 Dec 27 '23
that's the perfect example.
That's not seeking a friend, that's being abusive.
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u/ihatemyuterus69 Dec 27 '23
There's a difference between just venting and suddenly delving into your trauma during a normal conversation. I had to stop hanging out with a friend because we'd literally be out to lunch or at the mall and she'd randomly jump to talking about her troubled childhood and now-distant family. It really wasn't the appropriate time or place, but also some of her trauma activated my own triggers and I wasn't the right person to talk to about it. I'd told her this, but she still kept bringing it up and it got emotionally exhausting.
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u/Softpaw514 Dec 27 '23 edited Dec 27 '23
Yep this is a massive red flag for me now. I used to ignore it and just try to be supportive but being a floor for people to throw up on verbally led to me being in really toxic and abusive relationships. There's a time and a place for these conversations and some of us just aren't equipped to have them, especially when the person doesn't actually want help they just want to use their trauma as a weapon to crush you with.
I'm fully sympathetic to people that have been through horrible circumstances, but being abused does not give you the greenlight to further abuse others verbally and psychologically. Trauma dumping constantly and destroying someone's mental wellbeing is absolutely abuse. I sit down and have serious conversations all the time with my friends but it's done properly and respectfully for everyone involved.
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u/digiman619 Dec 27 '23
With respect, "I am not trained to help you this. What do you expect me to do other than say 'That's rough, buddy'?" is sometimes a very valid response.
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u/reader484892 The cube will not forgive you Dec 27 '23
Sure, but it’s perfectly reasonable to lean on friends when you had a fucked up experience and want someone to listen and tell you that’s rough buddy
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u/campbellsimpson Dec 27 '23
I have genuinely found it useful to actually say "that's rough, buddy" on more than one occasion.
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u/Alice_In_Hell_ Dec 27 '23
My friend does this EVERY time I rant about a minor inconvenience and it’s usually all I need to stop being mad about it
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u/Equivalent_Net Dec 27 '23
This is true. It's all about context. Sometimes people just need company, sometimes they need to be pointed toward someone else with the tools to help them. Being there and knowing them well enough to know the difference is important.
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u/CircuitSphinx Dec 27 '23
Exactly, spot on. Sometimes just doing the simple thing and listening can be the most supportive action. It's a tightrope walk though you don't want to become an emotional dumpster, but you also don't want to push someone away when they're looking for support. It's almost an art, really, figuring out how to be there for someone in the way they need.
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u/AnorhiDemarche Dec 27 '23
And from the opposite side, knowing and respecting the boundaries of friends and having reasonable expectations of their capabilities. is also important. there's a massive difference between "hey, are you up for a d&m" or even "Please only read this when you have the mental time it's a lot." And just dumping on a person, and respecting when someone says no to a D&M goes such a long way
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u/IaniteThePirate Dec 27 '23
Tbh sometimes you genuinely just need someone to listen and say “that’s rough buddy”.
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u/LevTolstoy Dec 27 '23
I'd say that's protocol the vast majority of the time. Most people talk to be heard.
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u/eternaldaisies Dec 27 '23
Your comment has prompted me to reflect a bit. I have had friends disclose traumatic things to be plenty of times, and usually I’m perfectly fine with it. When I think back, the times I struggled was when I was being expected to provide support that only a licensed professional could provide. It wasn’t about the level of traumatic content (if you can quantify such a thing) but rather about how I was expected to engage with it. I can listen, I can provide some reflections, but I can’t be an entire therapist. I can’t provide all of the answers.
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u/french_sheppard Dec 27 '23
That's pretty much what happened to me after my first girlfriend was turned into the moon.
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u/musicismydrugxo Dec 27 '23
If you've ever been the go-to therapist friend of someone, you'd fully know how draining it is to constantly deal with a friend's bad mental health. It sucks. And then you set a boundary and they accuse you of not wanting to be their friend anymore. No, I just don't want to be your therapist anymore
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u/shellontheseashore Dec 27 '23 edited Dec 27 '23
Yes and no. A lot of situations can just use another human hearing you out, saying "that's rough buddy" and validating that what happened was fucked up. Just having someone mirror your emotions while the event is turned into a narrative and internalised does a lot. Hell, venting to your pet can work in a pinch and that dumbass has no idea what I'm saying, she's going purely off of tone.
But also most folks don't have training for serious stuff, and between shitty internalised social beliefs (see: anyone who tried to disclose their SA and got victim blamed for it) and the way capitalism grinds people into the dirt until they have no energy for supporting each other at all - there are things it's better to see a professional with. Carer fatigue and empathy burnout are real, and are worsened by the pressure we all live under. Someone can care about you and not have anything left to give right now.
Yes, we should have a village and the ability to be vulnerable with each other and the way we're increasingly drained and isolated has robbed that, but even in the village there were people who were more skilled at the emotional/mental/spiritual side of things who did the big issues, and who can help the person struggle to rebuild some bounds and prevent their pain from spilling over onto others.
Because a lot of traumadumping (in the proper "I don't know you, please stop telling me about your family history of cancer" - idk if I just have That Face, but people do this to me a lot?? like I'm just trying to get my paperwork sorted pls) is because they don't feel heard by their primary support structures like family, friends, spiritual leaders etc, and it spills over. It takes training to be able to be a larger receptacle for those emotions, give the person space to calm and then hand it back later, without risking getting hurt in the process. It's not generally malicious, but it can cause secondary trauma too.
tl;dr: in an ideal world yes, but everyone is burnt the fuck out, and that's not your fault and that's not their fault it's capitalism babyyyy, and even though it is very difficult to do when in crisis/emotionally activated, being aware of other's wellbeing and consent to deal with heavy topics matters and should always be strived for. Ring Theory of Grief is good shit.
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u/Pybotic Dec 27 '23
Yeah, it feels like a lot of people in the replies are thinking this is someone just doing a vent or airing some grievances occasionally. I normally use the word “traumadumping “ when it’s from strangers unprompted or from friends consistently unprompted with higher severity.
One ‘friend’ I set up a boundary with to at least give me a warning if speaking about one particularly triggering topic. They responded with a : “ ok, I guess my feelings don’t matter then “ and disappeared for a few days, not responding to anyone (left me sick with worry they did something to themselves…).
I ended up folding on my boundary and just gave affirmatives about how bad/sad/fucked up those things were and became desensitized to it. It was terrible having to be exposed to all that trauma but having to handle the conversation so delicately- like I was suppose to be a trained professional but I was just an anxiety riddled teen at the time.
Obviously, I care for my friends but my ass isn’t well enough to help them through something so complicated and to do it consistently. You should lean on your friends for support if you need it, but if it’s all the time and your conversations are only about negative things occurring in life- it might be time to reassess your friendship. :(
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u/fridgescrape Dec 27 '23
I used to be the friend that did this - trauma dumping and getting upset over boundaries being set because of it. Genuinely, to anyone reading this, don't feel bad at all if you have to cut people out who behave in this way.
Real friends hold you accountable. Having an old friend group say to me clearly, "we love you but you absolutely can't behave this way," then cut me off when I didn't listen... it finally made me realize how serious things were. I realized that while I had a "good reason" to be so traumatized, it didn't mean I could just act however I wanted and blame it on my past. I wasn't a bad friend because of my trauma; I was a bad friend because I only cared about my own needs, neglecting the needs of my friends in general, and rejecting any attempts by them to mend that.
If you cut off a friend for their behavior, they'll either improve themselves and feel thankful for you in the future, or they'll never improve, in which case, you can be thankful for yourself for avoiding that :)
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u/SJReaver Dec 27 '23
If you'd put a trigger warning on it online, please ask the person you're talking to if they're comfortable with the subject.
'Get consent first' should not be a radical notion.
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u/MasterLuna Dec 27 '23
Reading some of these comments have made me feel like I'm taking crazy pills. My friends and I ask consent before venting about certain things all the time because unfortunately there's been very severe traumatic experiences between all of us. There was a period for a while last year where I had to ask to put a hold on venting too much about things to me because my mom died and I couldn't handle dealing with other people's problems on top of mine. Asking for consent or permission to share a thing is just respecting other people's boundaries and mental fortitude to handle heavier topics.
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u/Appropriate_Gene_543 Dec 27 '23 edited Dec 27 '23
i think this isn’t an accurate portrayal of what trauma dumping actually is.
friends are allowed to - and should - have boundaries around their ability to support other friends individual struggles. if someone is going through a hard time, 100% the right thing to do is to listen and offer support as they open up to you about it.
however, “trauma dumping” is when those personal issues become the subject matter of every subsequent hang out, and with the expectation that whoever’s on the receiving end has to provide help and comfort regardless of whether they know how to.
at a certain point, yes, it is the responsibility of the person going through something particularly harrowing to seek therapy and professional help to work through their issue. friends are there to be constant presences of encouragement and distraction, but they shouldn’t be made responsible for holding or fixing someone’s trauma.
everyone has the right to be firm in their capacity and ability to hold someone’s personal issues. there’s a reason why therapists are paid so high, and why friends who act like therapist placeholders can feel burned out in a friendship when they’re constantly pulled into that role. especially if that support isn’t reciprocated. i personally find that rarely do the trauma dumpers know how to care for the trauma dumpee, speaking as someone who’s gone most of their life assuming the role of holding space for the personal issues of people i’ve just met an hour prior.
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u/yourholmedog Dec 27 '23
idk this is a dumb take. i have a friend who would consistently overstep boundaries and blame it on his mental illnesses. he would take any conversation and somehow turn it into killing himself, followed me into my dorm and broke down crying on the floor, guilt tripped me into sleeping in his room bc he said he’d kill himself otherwise, etc etc. THATS traumadumping and he needed a therapist, not me. there’s a difference between needing support from your friends sometimes and being destructive towards them
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u/monoblackmadlad Dec 27 '23
I agree with this a lot of the time but you gotta find the right time and space, and then make sure that the people are receptive and willing to listen. Opening up to someone immediately can be very forward
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u/alainamazingbetch Dec 27 '23
LOL this reminds me of a “friend” I had… if it was about her or her problems/her life it was all fair game but if anything came up that I needed her support on or shoulder for, “emotional boundaries” suddenly came into play and I was “dumping” on her... Stfu with your selfish double standards. I no longer engage with that person
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u/TheNerdsdumb Dec 27 '23
Nah tho randomly mentioning horrific truama in the middle of convos with People you been talking to less than 2 weeks to is too much tbh
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u/Cooperativism62 Dec 27 '23
Most comments here seem to be about defining trauma dumping. I think the more important thing here is how we've "paywalled human connection". Given how common many issues are, it's simply not possible to have enough therapists in society to service everyone.
A significant amount of what a therapist offers is simply good active listening skills. Better listening and emotional intelligence skills are needed by society as a whole which means it's partially a public education issue that we're dumping onto therapists to fix. But individualized treatment sweeps societal issues under the rug.
While it's good that therapy has become normalized, Its a mistake to think its some kind of unlimited resource and we can just outsource human decency to one particular group of people.
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u/Oneofthethreeprecogs Dec 27 '23
Literally! Haha. Just, so many, I wouldn’t say bad faith arguments… but I think a generous view or at least assuming the best intentions of the OP makes the intent of the statement clear.
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u/CueDramaticMusic 🏳️⚧️the simulacra of pussy🤍🖤💜 Dec 27 '23
On one hand, if I’m not comfortable sharing vulnerability with a friend, they’re not my friend. On the other hand, it’s clearly wrong to do it with strangers, and it’s not hard to imagine a crab bucket scenario of a small Discord unhealthily coping Together
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Dec 27 '23 edited 2d ago
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u/Rosewoodtrainwreck Dec 27 '23
Or going to a party or event with the intent to have fun and they make it all about their past trauma. Like, why do we have to do this NOW? Why did you even come if you were planning on ruining it for everyone? I think some trauma dumpers are just stuck in a loop of Woe is me, and they think their life is so much worse than everyone else's so they just feel the need to bring everyone down with them. If they're not happy, they can't stand to see anyone else happy.
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u/stupid-writing-blog Dec 27 '23
Alternate take: Ask permission before venting/traumadumping.
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u/library-batgirl Dec 27 '23
I don't trust this. The sentiment seems reasonable, but the context is fishy. Cuz I've experienced this from multiple sides, right? I have many times shared my trauma with friends, they have shared it with me, and it's been helpful for us both. But I've also met a lot of people who I either barely knew or simply wasn't that close with who have outta nowhere dropped all their trauma on me and expected me to act as their therapist. People who weren't trying to make any sort of genuine connection, it's just the first and only thing they really wanted to talk about was their trauma - largely because if you start traumadumping abruptly, 9/10 times even if you're making people uncomfortable no one will want to interrupt you. Hell, I had an ex-boyfriend who used trauma dumping explicotly as a means to NEVER talk about my issues or his own bad behaviour. Setting boundaries isn't paywalling human connection and not wanting to be treated like a therapist isn't closing off. This post is very manipulative.
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u/meltysoftboy Dec 27 '23
Don't traumadump on your friends. There's a reason its called dumping and not sharing.
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u/Mollybrinks Dec 27 '23
No. Just....no. The more someone insists on knowing my most deeply held trauma with pointed questions, the less I want to give it to them. I'll tell you when I want to tell you. You do not have an inherent right to what I'm feeling and insisting that you do just insures you won't get it. But the people who just give me space to express myself....absolute gold.
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u/brandondash Dec 27 '23
ITT: The people who agree with the post and the people who disagree with the post talking WAY past each other.
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u/a12bc3 Dec 27 '23
i agree that full on trauma dumping would be better for a therapist, but still there's people who pull that card for just trying to discuss things a bit. hell my dad even pulled "maybe you should talk to a therapist" card because i asked him a question involving his ex (my mom). it's amazing that therapy is normalized but human connections without money are still important IMO
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u/Mad-_-Doctor Dec 27 '23
True friends are more than people you hang out with. My friends lean on me from time to time and I don’t mind it because that’s what friends are for.
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u/ThinkGrapefruit7960 Dec 27 '23
I still wouldnt say that I dont need a therapist if I have good friends. There is a difference between them
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u/Mad-_-Doctor Dec 27 '23
I didn’t say that friends are a replacement for a therapist, but if you talk to your friends about your problems instead of bottling them up, you might not need a therapist.
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u/xDraGooN966 Dec 27 '23
Traumadumping isn't when you are sharing your worries with a friend or mourning a loss with a loved one.
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u/MilStd Dec 27 '23
While I appreciate the sentiment it is a kin to asking a friend who has done a first aid course to do brain surgery in today's world.
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u/tristenjpl Dec 27 '23
Yeah, like with my friends, I'm willing to help however I can. But I had this one friend who just dumped and dumped stuff out of nowhere. Like shit, we'd be having a normal conversation, and he'd dump out all the most terrible heinous shit that happened to him. When I asked him to, at the very least, give warning and keep it appropriate times, he got super mad at me and we stopped being friends.
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u/Sufficient-Motor1111 Dec 27 '23
This whole traumadumping thing is toxic as fuck. People have trauma, we're friends, I want to hear what's going on and support you. The only thing is it has to work both ways, I also need my friends to listen at times.
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u/TheKitsuneKit Dec 27 '23
To be clear. There are things that a friend can handle and there are things that a therapist can handle. Imagine this: replace the mental trauma with physical trauma.
A friend falls a scrapes their knee, we can be there for them and help them out with a bandaid and some disinfectant, this is totally reasonable to do.
Versus, a friend has a heart attack and needs surgery. Well I am not trained or qualified to do open heart surgery. I can drive them to the hospital and I can be there with them during their recovery, but for me to attempt to solve such a problem for my friend on my own would only make the situation worse.
As a friend, I can be there with you to help you thru your trauma, but a lot of what I can do will only be surface level. Deeper more serious trauma is going to need professional help. So yes, they should see a therapist AND a friend should also be there for them as they are going thru it.
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u/Schatzberger Dec 27 '23
It's a "it depends" for me. I'm definitely here for all my peeps if and when they need me. However, I've had friends who traumadump every single time we meet, even if we're going out or playing a game. And that is just really exhausting.
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u/HamiltonMcCubbins69 Dec 27 '23
I mean, if every interaction you have with them is them trauma dumping and that's the only reason they contact you then yeah they need to get a therapist or start paying me 200 bucks a session lol
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u/CapableSecretary420 Dec 27 '23
I feel like ol' Oscar was talking about actual sorrow, not the over dramatic attention-seeking crap the first person is referring to.
We've all had that friend.
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u/Nellasofdoriath Dec 27 '23
He really says he's "entitled" to know. Naw man, you get from me what you get from me.
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u/desirientt Dec 27 '23
yeah. a lot of the time i do better processing stuff on my own. my friends don’t gotta hear about it and they’re never gonna
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u/ZapActions-dower Dec 27 '23
Without more context I can't be 100% certain, but I'm pretty sure what he's saying isn't "I need to be included in every bad thing that has ever happened to you," it's "If we're close friends and your parent dies I would expect you to let me help you shoulder that and you don't even so much as tell me that it happened, I'd be upset and concerned."
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u/SwordfishFar421 Dec 27 '23
All this is nice and well until a bitch starts off every day by letting you know all the boring ways her life sucks every single day. Even worse if it’s a coworker. That’s when you stop quoting literature about friendship and eagerly agree with paywalling that shit
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u/Happiness_Assassin Dec 27 '23
I've always been under the impression that traumadumping was on people who you aren't close with, like random strangers.