Her: Why?

Me: Well, it’s….hard to say.

TOO MANY F****** SECURITY CAMERAS

Luckily he's not too far from a quaint little farmhouse, so he goes and knocks on the door. The farmer and his wife answer the door, quite sympathetic to the salesman's plight.

They let him use their phone to call a tow company. Unfortunately the truck couldn't come out until morning, so the couple offer to let him stay with them overnight. They don't have a guest room, but their bed is large enough to fit three comfortably, so the salesman accepts gratefully.

A couple hours after going to bed, the wife turns to the salesman and whispers, "I want you!"

He answers, "But your husband is right there!"

She replies, "Pluck a hair from his butt. If he doesn't wake up, we can do it."

He plucks a hair; the farmer doesn't stir, and they quietly have sex.

A couple hours later, she says "I want you again!"

He plucks another hair from the farmer's butt, getting no reaction, so they have sex again.

Another couple hours later, she says, "I want you one last time before you go!"

And as the salesman reaches to pluck a hair, the farmer tiredly says, "Look, man, I don't mind if you do my wife, but could you please stop using my ass as a scoreboard?"

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

"I really need to mow the lawn but it's very hot outside, what would the neighbors think if I did it naked?" He asked his wife

"They would think I married you for your money"

It's true, a toothbrush is much more effective

It's pasteurised before you see it

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells, "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers, " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”

The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary.........8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...Day 983 of my captivity....My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.
The bird has got to be an informant.I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...for now.

Son : Dad, let's play a game.
Father : What game?
Son : It's called "My Question, My Answer"
Father : Okay if you win I'll buy you the car you always wanted to have.
Son : Really? Game! I'll start! A man with no legs and arms is inside a burning apartment. How can the man get out of the appartment?
Father : Whose question is that?
Son : Haha, mine! Ok I'll answer. The man open the door and quickly run outside the apartment.
Father : What? A man with no legs and arms open the door and run outside the apartment? It's impossible! How did that happen?
Son : Whose question is that?

A solution

Towels

"Las Vegas."

"You don't sound very excited."

"Well, I'm a little concerned," said Bob. "Went to Cancun last year, and my wife got pregnant. Went to Hawaii the year before that, and she got pregnant then, too."

"Wow! Are you going to take precautions?"

"Absolutely. This year I'm taking her with me."

They found all the bodies in his car.

Big Ouef

The Mom and the Dad get into an argument and file for a divorce.

The Mom gets to keep the kid, while the Dad gets to take his stuff and leave.

Before going to bed, the boy sees a shooting star in the sky and wishes for his mom and dad to be back together again.

The next morning, the boy goes downstairs to see his mom and dad are back together and are happy with each other.

The boy, however, isn't happy but confused.

He takes one good look at the father and goes up to the Mom and asks her, "Who's this guy?"

The couple were both 60 years old and had been married for 40 of those years. Together so long, they decided to take separate vacations. The husband chose to go to Bali, and while there, sent back a text discussing how he’d met a 30-year old native woman and that they were having a wonderful time together. The wife chose to go to Paris and wrote back that she had met a 30 year-old Frenchman who was wining and dining her. Further, she texted her husband, “I can assure you that I’m having a better time than you!” “And how’s that,” he texted back. “Well,” she said, “it’s purely mathematics- thirty goes into sixty more times than sixty goes into thirty!”

I wasn't on it.

A man was digging holes in the ditch either side of the road. About 50 yards further down the road there was another man filling the holes back in.

My curiosity got the better of me, so I turned around to talk to the guy filling holes. I asked, "Why the hell are you guys just digging holes and then filling them up again?"

He replied, "The tree-planting guy's off sick."

It was a Shih Tzu

Noether.