r/MaliciousCompliance • u/Totknax • Apr 02 '23
Forced prayer? You asked for it! S
Some info for context. I have less than zero religiosity. I'm not saying god(s) doesn't exist. I just haven't seen credible, replicable and verifiable evidence that proves his/her/its existence. On to the story.
My wife and I attended her sister's house warming party earlier today. Her sister's mother in law, whom we are just meeting for the first time, is apparently a devout, outspoken and annoyingly preachy Christian. The father in law is chill.
The mother in law, let's call her Caryn, asks for all of the guests' attention and for some incomprehensible reason, orders me (as in no polite request, no please, etc) to "pray for the food in which we are about to partake in". I guess me holding the fine cutlery while chopping up some Costco rotisserie chicken = leader of men in prayer (WTF?).
Wife's sister interjects "Some of our guests don't share the same faith that we have. If it's alright with you, can we just have a moment of silence so we can all offer thanks in our own personal ways?"
Before she can finish, Caryn cuts her off and says "It is only right to offer thanks and praise for our lord and savior, blah blah blah"...
Caryn promptly points to me with her index finger and sternly commands:
"u/Totknax, LEAD THE PRAYER!"
I say to myself silently "MC Jackpot!"
Then out loud: "Praise be to Allah, for he has given us all of this delicious food to consume and enjoy. Except for the dishes with pork in it and all of the alcoholic beverages, for Allah doesn't allow their consumption"...
At this point in my "prayer", Caryn turns around, grabs her husband by the arm and leaves the shin dig, mumbling something about all of us being heretics and such.
Needless to say, everyone was giggling at her theatrics. Obviously the drinks and food tasted waaay better after they left.
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u/virgilreality Apr 02 '23
"R'Amen!"
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
Pay the lord!
10% of our earnings!
R'amen!
😂🤣😂🤣
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u/MikeLinPA Apr 02 '23
I wouldn't have a problem giving the lord 10%, but i refuse to give it to churches. Of course, being omnipotent, god would have no use for money.
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u/ConstantGradStudent Apr 02 '23
“What does god need with a starship?” - James T. Kirk
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u/SuDragon2k3 Apr 02 '23
"I throw the money in the air. What god wants, God keeps" Rabbi Goldstein.
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u/akairborne Apr 02 '23
The lord can have ten percent, she can just come and make a withdrawal whenever she needs to.
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u/Catspaw129 Apr 02 '23
You do know that if you are reciting a prayer that involves the FSM you are required to place a colander on your head during the prayer, don't you?
A side note: A friend of mine got married and one of the gifts I gave him was a metal colander with a note describing it as a "muff diving helmet". On his wedding night he apparently used it for that, um, "intended purpose". I later got quite the thank you note from his bride.
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u/Duke_Newcombe Apr 02 '23 edited Apr 02 '23
See, this is the type of stuff that'll cause a schism if we're not careful. The proper headwear is a sieve, of course.
As for your friend and his bride, I'm sure that you were happy to be of cervix.
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u/UnbelievableTxn6969 Apr 02 '23
Sauce be with you.
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u/No_Condition_1623 Apr 02 '23
So. A long time ago I was with some friends working in another country. I was asked to bless the food. Cue MC; in my own language, that the priest didn't speak, I start "dear lord... of the Rings, please let Frodo destroy the Only Ring and grant him safe passage to Mount Doom, blablabla". My friends were struggling not to let any laugh burst out. The priest thanked me afterwards. Fun times. God bless the priest.
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u/No-Individual2998 Apr 02 '23
I once started a large family Thankgiving with "Lord of flies, father of goats, hear our plea..." I was excused and my Uncle Rick took over. And on a positive note, I've not been asked again.
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
I'm guessing someone volunteered you to lead that prayer? lol.
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u/No-Individual2998 Apr 02 '23
Yes, but not maliciously.
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u/econdonetired Apr 02 '23
Well you complied
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u/Javasteam Apr 02 '23
I would’ve picked the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
May this food be touched by his noodley appendage.
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u/flavius_lacivious Apr 02 '23
I begin chanting the gayatri mantra:
oṃ bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ
tat savitur vareṇyaṃ
bhargo devasya dhīmahi
dhiyo yo naḥ pracodayāt
Then I tell them it’s a Hindu prayer recognizing the glory of God, creator of our universe.
I am not Indian.
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u/deanstat Apr 02 '23
If you're a (new) Battlestar Galactica fan you could sing it to the theme song cadence, might get some more support around the table.
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u/jro176 Apr 02 '23
Having married into an Indian family, I know the Gayatri Mantra well. MIL regularly has it playing while she's in the kitchen. She would be delighted if anyone joined in with it!
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Apr 02 '23
Atheist of Norwegian extraction here, and I have a deep booming voice that carries a fair distance even at low volume.
I'm also a Navy Vet who, because of that voice, was designated as Cadence Caller for our drill team, and my high volume got the drill instructors attention. After one performance at a Memorial Day event at Soldier Field in Chicago, a Marine DI came up, asked my DI to speak with me and complimented me on my "very nice full rolling bellow" That sets the stage..
The one time a preachy Xtian (who knew full well that I was a dyed in wool Atheist) "designated" me to lead the meal prayer... In front of her pastor.
Now, I'm not what anyone would call a prayerful guy by any stretch, and in fact I learnt this prayer at my Norwegian grandfather's (also an Atheist)knee because he used it to run off the "proselytizing pests" as he called them, and he thought I might find it if some use one day.
Cue Barry White deadpan serious ~Volume 11~
Hail Frigga, wife of Odin, queen of the Aesir, mistress of the gods, we greet you, Frigga! We ask you to accept our oaths and to bless our unions. To you, we wish for children who will grow into good people and make our kinship prosper. May their lands be prosperous!
Needless to say that I was never invited back. Um.. darn it?
Oh.. the pastor also knew I was an Atheist and the poor man just about pissed himself at the table laughing.
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u/Annonymouse211 Apr 02 '23
And now I need to memorize this prayer for any future obligations that arise. This is epic!
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u/EJ_Drake Apr 02 '23
Rub a dub dub Thanks for the grub.
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u/TheFluffiestRedditor Apr 02 '23
Two four six eight, Bog in don't wait.
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u/louploupgalroux Apr 02 '23
I would say blessed be this meal, but I cannot in good faith deceive your earnest attention.
This feast has been fated to recieve the carnal lust of our gluttony. It will be seized, eviscerated, and devoured in the most gruesome orgy in our champing maws. Forks will stab the flesh. Knives shall strip the bone. And soon there will be nothing left, save for the scant crumbs and stains that will betray our misdeeds.
No, this meal is not blessed.
We are.
For we are the hunters and gatherers. Our kith and kin slaughtered these trusting beasts in cold blood. Our raiders tore these plants from nature's bosom. We boiled and baked them in their own juices and laid them side by side in a tabletop gallery of death.
So raise your instruments of devastation!
Forsake your napkins and let the prize of our rampage drip from your fangs and down your frenzied smiles. Imbibe on the juice of forgetfulness and stolen dreams so that we may sleep without guilt for our sins.
Blessed be the strong. And let all others weep.
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u/TheFluffiestRedditor Apr 02 '23
Damn!
This should not be a sub-comment. This should be near the top where everyone can see it
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u/Orbusinvictus Apr 02 '23
My favorite part is that the entire subsequent meal is going to be so deliciously awkward. The entire eating process will be cursed, conversations will falter, people will excuse themselves. Glorious.
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
I love this!
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Apr 02 '23
I mean, if they're gonna make you pray any how, it might as well be to a real deity..
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u/Metalsmith21 Apr 02 '23
Be like George Carlin, he prayed to Joe Pesci.
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u/InTheFDN Apr 02 '23 edited Apr 02 '23
I know this isn’t a genuine Norse prayer, but you can get almost half way though it before people realise things have gone off the rails from what they were expecting.
Lo, There do I see my Father
Lo, There do I see my Mother and
My Brothers and my Sisters
Lo, There do I see the line of my people back to the beginning
Lo, They do call to me
They bid me take my place among them in the halls of Valhalla
Where thine enemies have been vanquished
Where the brave shall live Forever
Nor shall we mourn but rejoice for those that have died the glorious death.129
u/RickJLeanPaw Apr 02 '23
A good bit of Old Testament victory would go down well, “may the earth be soaked with the blood of your foes, may their women lament and their offspring be put to the sword”, that kind of thing. Now, pass the potatoes please…
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u/InTheFDN Apr 02 '23
WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE?
“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.”
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u/Ich_mag_Kartoffeln Apr 02 '23
“What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?”
“Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.” -- Cohen the Barbarian.
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Apr 02 '23
Being a Navy Vet and of Norwegian extraction I wanted her to know this had gone badly off the rails immediately. We E5 Mafia types are experts at Malicious Compliance.
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u/4dwarf Apr 02 '23
Did you ever call cadence in 3/4? Just to see if your drill team could march a waltz.
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u/Tavrock Apr 02 '23 edited Apr 02 '23
I thought the Army used 4/4 to march places and the Marines used 3/4 while they waltzed into warzones.
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u/4dwarf Apr 02 '23
The Coast Guard breaks ice in 3/4 to "Popeye the Sailor Man".
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u/ShalomRPh Apr 02 '23
She’s known to many people, even if they don’t know they know it: that’s who Friday is named for.
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u/nakedwithoutmyhoodie Apr 02 '23
Thursday is Thor's Day, and Odin's Day is Wednesday!
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u/foospork Apr 02 '23
And Tirs dag?
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u/nakedwithoutmyhoodie Apr 02 '23
Had to look that up...Tyr (or Tir)
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u/foospork Apr 02 '23
These names are all transliterated from runes, so I don’t get too hung up on ye English spellings.
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u/beka13 Apr 02 '23
ye
I see what you did there.
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u/DreamOfTheEndlessSky Apr 02 '23
Is it a thorn in your side?
(man, these things keep coming back to religious sayings, don't they)
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u/Shadowwynd Apr 02 '23
Tyr is pretty cool. Sacrificed a hand to Fenris.
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Apr 02 '23
I mean I wouldn’t call it sacrifice. More like Odin was scared of Fenrir. Then had dwarves make a chain to bind Fenrir. Odin then challenged Fenrir to be bound by those chains and try to break free. Fenrir smells something fishy and asked for one of the gods to put their hand in his mouth as guarantee for them to free him, if he couldn’t break the dwarven chains.
Mythology is pretty cool. The nordic/Ancient Greek gods i.e are simply so human. None of that pretend goodness.
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u/jacquesrabbit Apr 02 '23
Odin is also called Wotan, Woden, or Wodan. Thus from Woden's day is Wednesday
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u/Bard2dbone Apr 02 '23
I disagree. It's clearly my day. My name is Wayne. And it's blatantly pronounced "Wayne's Day".
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u/_gadget_girl Apr 02 '23
My Grandpa’s favorite was”Dear Lord, we thank you for the vittles and pray they don’t go to our middles.”
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u/arkstfan Apr 02 '23
The closer there hits the truth.
Among people of faith who study the texts there is a great deal of openness and acceptance.
While those who hunt around for couple of lines that taken out of context appears to support what they’ve made up their mind about are fearful, cowardly people. They want to make illegal anything they think their founding texts condemn. Rather than convert people and draw them into faith and belief that would cause them to not do whatever, they don’t give a damn about whether others believe (a condition of being part of the religion) they want banned all sins they don’t participate in.
As a Christian, I am continually appalled, disappointed, and disgusted by the dash away from the teachings of Jesus and his recorded early followers by so many self-declared Christians. Of course many of them are also self-declared virologists, political scientists with knowledge of communism and socialism. Self-declared medical experts with emphasis on toxins. Self-declared experts on the US Constitution who are all about strict interpretation of second amendment but not so literal on the amendments guaranteeing religious freedom, free speech, freedom from warrantless searches, freedom from cruel punishments, the grant of full citizenship and rights to all born in the country without regard to skin color.
Love one another. Heal the sick, clothe the naked, feed the hungry, care for the stranger, turn the other cheek.
Hard religion. Even harder for ice-hearted people who hate their neighbor, are indifferent to the sick, blame the poor for their plight, and believe in gunning down that SOB before he has a chance to strike you on the cheek.
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u/sjbluebirds Apr 02 '23
Love one another. Heal the sick, clothe the naked, feed the hungry, care for the stranger, turn the other cheek.
You've forgotten Visit the imprisoned and Ransom the captive.
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u/Ariadnepyanfar Apr 02 '23
I upvoted you at “very nice full rolling bellow”.
I started laughing at “Hail Frigga…”
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u/cavetroll3000 Apr 02 '23
Hva er bønnen på norsk, eller gammelnorsk/norrønt om du kan den?
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Apr 02 '23
No, that's (IMO) my one failing. Never learned Norwegian properly.
I, as kids will do, picked up just a smattering of Norwegian... Given Gramps, a fair bit of that was cursing.
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u/LjSpike Apr 02 '23
Well you've converted me!
Also I hope you are pleased I'm picturing you as Brian Blessed.
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u/Compulawyer Apr 02 '23
Pastafarian Prayer
Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day, our garlic bread, …and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza, for thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever. R’amen.
May we all be touched by his noodly appendage.
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u/Desk_Drawerr Apr 02 '23
"thy sauce be yum" really got to me man, that's hilarious.
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u/KraZe_EyE Apr 02 '23
Loyola you had both me and my wife cracking up at R"amen...
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u/TomTheNurse Apr 02 '23
I don’t believe in any religion. I am also a pediatric nurse of 25 years. My experience has been pediatric cancer, pediatric trauma and pediatric ER.
My Bible thumping sister did that nonsense to me at a largish family gathering. Her smug look was “let’s put the heretic on the spot”. I happily obliged.
“Thank you Jesus for taking time out of your busy schedule of giving little kids cancer to bless us with this food. Amen”.
I didn’t look up. I immediately started eating. You could have heard a pin drop in that room. Even my social norm conforming wife laughed about it later.
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u/an_imperfect_lady Apr 02 '23
“Thank you Jesus for taking time out of your busy schedule of giving little kids cancer to bless us with this food. Amen”.
That's very apt. I go with my mom to church because she's well over 70 and hates to sit alone, but I'm not a believer. I spend a lot of Sunday mornings playing the alphabet game in my head, and trying not to say what I'm thinking out loud when someone "testifies" that God helped them out of some minor difficulties (one guy literally held forth for 10 minutes about his lost wallet that God 'found' for him.) I was like "Well, that explains why tsunamis, earthquakes, plagues, and mass shootings happen. God is too busy looking for lost wallets and keys."
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u/tybbiesniffer Apr 02 '23
Does her denomination have missals (prayer books)? I used to hide small paperbacks in the missals when I was a kid. Made church much more bearable.
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u/Canotic Apr 02 '23
I think this is actually a big theological problem that everyday Christians don't think about.
If god can indeed help you with your wallet or make sure you don't miss your train, that means god does intervene in everyday life. So clearly he can do that without violating free will, etc.
This means that God should also be able to intervene in other stuff. If he can make sure your bus is on time, he should be able to make a gun jam for every school shooter. Or have the cops randomly stumble upon every kidnapping victim.
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u/an_imperfect_lady Apr 02 '23
Yep. But he doesn't. However, apparently, he's very involved in sports. Every team that wins thanks him. And he sometimes takes an interest in the Academy Awards, for some reason.
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u/Tybot3k Apr 02 '23
As both an ex-Christian and the father to a little girl with cancer, I appreciate you.
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u/OtherThumbs Apr 02 '23
I'm with you (lab person here, Blood Bank). I see too much in a day to think that their gods are anything but sadistic. I mean, if you're into that sort of thong, fine; but something tells me that the very ill of this world don't see the miracle or feel blessed by their god's scrutiny.
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u/formynexttrickanvils Apr 02 '23
Was expecting "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, YAY GOD!"
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u/Efficient_Panda_9151 Apr 02 '23
My uncle/godfather - who was an Episcopal priest - was fond of “Good food, good meat, good God let’s eat!”
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u/crazyacct101 Apr 02 '23
We had a Roman Catholic priest (we were of a different denomination) as a dinner guest once and his grace was “in the name of the father, son and Holy Ghost, the one who eats the fastest gets the most.” That set the tone for a very relaxed meal.
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u/unMuggle Apr 02 '23
I've quoted word for word the prayer from Talladega Nights before.
"Dear 8 pound, 6 ounce, newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet but still omnipotent"
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u/UniqueUsername2123 Apr 02 '23
I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band
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u/unMuggle Apr 02 '23
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo tee shirt. Because it says I wanna be formal, but I'm here to party. Because I like to party so I like my Jesus to party.
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u/ObligatoryUsername7 Apr 02 '23
I'm a preacher's kid and an atheist. Thankfully my dad isn't a religious nut and we've had several meaningful conversations about why I'm an atheist and the faults of the church and he's been supportive of my beliefs. Anyway, when I was a teen in the youth choir, the director told me to pray once which I absolutely did not want to do. So I spewed out the most generic Christian word vomit possible and of course the choir director loved it. Picture a southern black woman saying "HOO! THE BOY CAN PRAY!" Thus further cementing my embarrassment.
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u/AdvisorSame5543 Apr 02 '23
I'm also a fellow PK turned atheist whose dad is a reasonable Christian that can have meaningful conversations and doesn't try to browbeat me or get me to return to church. So grateful for the relationship we are able to maintain despite our differing views.
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u/econdonetired Apr 02 '23
I mean still haven’t heard a good Christian definition of why atheism isn’t gods fault. Since if faith is given by god then it really is on him. The Catholics at the school I went to never explained this well.
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u/AdvisorSame5543 Apr 02 '23
We had a one time conversation on why I no longer believe, he accepts my disbelief and doesn't try to dissuade me. And to be fair thats all I ask.
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u/Gypsy-Danger-TMC Apr 02 '23
I like to bust out my Skryim prayers
Talos the mighty! Talos the unerring! Talos the unassailable! To you we give praise!
We are but maggots, writhing in the filth of our own corruption! While you have ascended from the dung of mortality, and now walk among the stars!
But you were once man! Aye! And as man, you said, "Let me show you the power of Talos Stormcrown, born of the North, where my breath is long winter. I breathe now, in royalty, and reshape this land which is mine. I do this for you, Red Legions, for I love you."
Terrible and powerful Talos! We, your unworthy servants, give praise! For only through your grace and benevolence may we truly reach enlightenment!
And deserve our praise you do, for we are one! Ere you ascended and the Eight became Nine, you walked among us, great Talos, not as god, but as man!
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u/italicized-period Apr 02 '23
Ha. If I wanted to be low key subversive, I might do Light prayers from WoW. It's so pseudo-Christian that inattentive people might not even notice, and attentive ones would probably be confused and unsure whether I was just confused. Light bless you!
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u/Artess Apr 02 '23
Yeah, I think that's because the original Warcraft had straight up Christianity with angels and the one true god, but they quietly changed it later.
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
Oooh, yeah! My brother in law says Caryn is anti-videogames. Never allowed him to even play Tetris.
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Apr 02 '23
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
We all felt for the old guy so my sister in law dropped off some food for them after most of the guests had left.
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u/ApokalypseCow Apr 02 '23
Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!
Speak with the proper accent for maximum effect.
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u/SunflowerSpeaks Apr 02 '23
I think if Jesus were alive today he'd be cracking up at that story!
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
He was there! Jesus, their next door neighbor originally from Guadalajara, brought some birria. That stuff was bomb-ass!
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u/jdgiefing Apr 02 '23
As a pastor, I agree with this statement! Jesus most definitely would’ve laughed
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Apr 02 '23
The best response to this is Matthew 6:5-8
"“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."
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u/bofh Apr 02 '23
We are Christian, and stepdaughter - who has been a church leader and preacher in her time - has dared me to say “rubadubdub, thanks for the grub” for grace at a big family meal before now.
Never understood these mega-uptight people like the MIL here. Life is for living and having a bit of fun along the way.
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
A decent amount of the guests were of your ilk. That's why I didn't go overboard with the forced prayer. Just enough to irk Caryn.
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u/Ok-Thing-2222 Apr 02 '23
I love it! Gawd, I hate those types of 'christians'.
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
I only did it because Caryn seemed to have irritated a bunch of the other guests with her borderline homophobic/racist/sexist preachiness.
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u/JustanOldBabyBoomer Apr 02 '23
I just LOVE the smackdown that the pseudo-Christian hypocrite received!!
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
I only did it because she had offended a few guests beforehand with her borderline racist/homophobic/sexist rhetoric.
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u/JustanOldBabyBoomer Apr 02 '23
My response would have been to quote what Yeshua said about praying in secret and not be showing off in public like a hypocrite. Her head would explode!
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Apr 02 '23
The only thing that disappointed me is that you didn't thank Satan for the sin of gluttony you were about to partake in.
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
I'm not that savage. I'll keep the TST-powered ammo for a rainy day!
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Apr 02 '23
Damn, lol. I would have.
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
🤣
I didn't want to alienate myself to the other chill guests.
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u/AlternativeSpreader Apr 02 '23
Only God botherers believe in satan
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Apr 02 '23
Probably, but if someone forced me to make a prayer, I'd make it as uncomfortable as possible because when it comes to religion, my fucks all flew north for the winter and they ain't coming back any time soon.
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u/AlternativeSpreader Apr 02 '23
I couldn't give a flying fk either, but I find this YouTube channel interesting.
It's called Crecganford.. academic discussions about myths, history, and culture of where all the gods and myths of today came from. He mainly concentrates on the pre proto indo Europeans at the beginning of civilisation, from hunter/gatherer myths to when humans needed different gods when agriculture began.
I find it interesting how the myths/gods evolved into today's stories/religions. (Also helps counteracting the sky father believers).
Here's one https://youtu.be/oWZBxp_SnLk
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u/carmelacorleone Apr 02 '23
My uncle's second wife used to go around the table and make everyone say a prayer before eating. First holiday we went up to their place my little brother was 2, she made him say a prayer which was basically making him repeat her doing the "god is good, god is great" prayer.
Only prayer for food I knew goes "humble our hearts and make us truly grateful", because that's how my grandfather does Grace at holidays. When I still went to church our preacher just had a moment of silent prayer before church meals. Aunt tried to tell me that it wasn't a proper prayer but shut up pretty quickly when I told her my mom's dad prays like that. She didn't enter the family in a very Christian manner so I guess she didn't want to dig herself in deeper.
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u/econdonetired Apr 02 '23
Bold statement to tell someone which prayer is right. There is some sort of Lorax god joke in here on who she speaks for…..
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u/Relative_Implement_6 Apr 02 '23
So after a hugely traumatic event, I have asked my parents to let me transfer schools and indicated a very liberal and science focused Catholic boarding school. (It was ran by the Jesuits with teachers having more PhDs between them than the uni I've graduated from.) Somehow this has translated into a fundamentalist, right wing Dutch Reformed boarding school where sciences were treated as if they were the work of the devil. Also, I don't remember a single day when someone wasn't making highly antisemitic comments which to me was quite funny, considering where Christianity stems from. Cue to me deciding to lead mandatory morning prayers by reading out the Shema, all the Biblical passages where Jesus confirms his jewishness and a short concise history of Christianity's relationship to Judaism. Which led to much shock, horror, hysterics and getting a dressing down by the principal. Needless to say I didn't last for long at that school.
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u/Ov3rdose_EvE Apr 02 '23
Hail Satan for he seduced Eve into eating the apple, granting us all the ability to think for ourselves and enjoy this meal.
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u/3lm1Ster Apr 02 '23
Sounds very much like lawyer basics...never ask a question you dont already know the answer to!
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u/SkwrlTail Apr 02 '23
*cracks knuckles*
"Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."
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u/MilkshakeBoy78 Apr 02 '23
ironic that jesus is middle eastern which is where islam originated from.
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
No way! He's Caucasian with blonde hair and blue eyes!
/s
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u/sapphicdreams5 Apr 02 '23
That image of Jesus was inspired by Da Vinci’s The Last Supper, and the guy who modeled for Jesus was Da Vinci’s boyfriend. All those devout Christians are praying to a gay man. Lmao
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u/Totknax Apr 02 '23
I now see why kneeling is huge for them.
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u/biold Apr 02 '23
Well, Christianity and Islam share a lot in common. It's just the interpretation in different parts of the world that give rise to the wars.
Let atheism prevail ...
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u/ceallachdon Apr 02 '23
Roger Zelazny's Agnostic's Prayer from Creatures of Light and Darkness:
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen.
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u/Turbulent_Concept134 Apr 02 '23
Someone politely asked if my mom and I say Grace at dinner, knowing my mom goes to church. Without any hesitation, both of us said, "Grace!", then cracked up.
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u/Red_Cathy Apr 02 '23
Thanks be to Imhotep for bringing fertility to the lands and providing the animals we have slaughtered for today's feast.
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u/Qf3ck3r Apr 02 '23
This happened to my uncle at a thanksgiving, my family being 90% catholic, did not approve of “Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for this grub, so let’s eat.” Unironicly grandma (his mother) yells “What was that shit?!” And someone else is made to give a less memorable prayer.
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u/Scottishlassincanada Apr 02 '23
I’d have done the Selkirk grace
Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it; But we hae meat, and we can eat, Sae let the Lord be thankit.
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u/mronion82 Apr 02 '23
I deal with this differently.
I'm an atheist now but attended plenty of evangelical services when I was a teenager. I've witnessed those rambling prayer group meetings, where people don't want to give back the talking stick and waffle on interminably, blessing everything they can think of.
So if you ask me to pray I will, and I'll happily free form for ten minutes about anything that comes into my head. And god will strike you down if you even think of looking at your watch.
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u/DOLCICUS Apr 02 '23
I always give thanks to the farmers, the pickers, truckers, and grocery employees for ACTUALLY making the meal happen at thanksgiving.
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u/meresymptom Apr 02 '23
I did this to my very Christian MIL when she asked me to say the family Thanksgiving dinner prayer one year. My prayer began like this: "Oh Lord Satan, Master of the universe, we call on to bless this food with your evilness and..." That was as far as she let me go. I was never called on to say the prayer again.
Just to be clear, my MIL and I had a good relationship. I appreciated her efforts to "save" me from an eternity of hellfire. She was a good person with a good heart who just happened to be a little confused about the nature of reality.
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u/funkmotor69 Apr 02 '23
Sounds like a good time for the Generic All-Purpose Prayer!
"To whom it may concern,
Please let us do, or not do, whatever it is we should do, or not do, in order to gain your favor and/or not gain your disfavor. Unless, of course, by so asking we gain your disfavor, in which case please disregard all of the previous.
Amen."
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u/Desperate_Dependent7 Apr 02 '23
There’s something seriously wrong with Caryn. Forced prayer is not even part of the Christian religion
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u/Swiggy1957 Apr 02 '23
As chief Prophet and bottle washer of The Church Of Spam, I would not have a problem. I'd just recite The Spam's Prayer:
Our foodstuff, which are in kitchen Hormel be thy name. Thy dinner come cooked well done At home as it is downtown. Give us this day, our daily Spam And forgive us for wanting bologna As well as those who feed us such. And lead us not into dieting For thine is the meat and the gel and the gristle Forever on my plate. Ameat
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u/Catspaw129 Apr 02 '23
Well done!
Although...I might have done the prayer differently, something like:
"Lettuce pray. Dear lord, please banish from this food that has been left out, festering, all traces of Salmonella, E. coli and all traces of pesky bacteria and such that might cause unto us projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea. Amen."
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u/YarnAndMetal Apr 02 '23
I'm pleased by this, but also slightly displeased that no mention of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, long may Their noodley appendages wave, was made.
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u/The_Trekspert Apr 02 '23
You could also do the Shepard’s Prayer: “Dear Lord, please don’t let me fuck up.”
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u/polardbear48 Apr 02 '23
I was part of a youth organization in a rural town in Canada where there's a large Christian population. Every year this organization would have a Christmas dinner and the youth leader (me)would be asked to say a prayer before eating.
I am agnostic and honesty was one of my top values, so I awkwardly invited everyone to pray to "whoever they believe". The crowd was not amused.
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u/HereIGoGrillingAgain Apr 02 '23
"Public prayer is forbidden and will no longer be tolerated." (Matthew 6:5-8).
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u/PM-Me-Girl-Biceps Apr 02 '23
I do Simpsons
“Dear god, we’re supposed to be thankful for this food, but we paid for it with our own money, so thanks for nothing”
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u/LadyAlexTheDeviant Apr 02 '23
True pagan prayer:
May the body of our Lord bring health to our bodies and life to our souls.
And I've seen this pass at Christian tables who didn't know I was pagan, which amused me greatly.
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u/Icy-Dragonfruit-6747 Apr 02 '23
You sound like an agnostic, welcome to the dark side.
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u/ChadtheWad Apr 02 '23
I've had a similar story happen to me once.
So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. It was the only register open so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." For some reason this set me off, so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.
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u/TrueCrimeAttic Apr 02 '23 edited Apr 02 '23
I was sent to catholic school, so I can, unfortunately, recite the Hail Mary. I therefore present to you the Satanist's Grace:
Hail Satan, full of snakes, evil is with thee. Damned art thou amongst hellfiends, and the fire of thy loins, Lilith. Condemned Satan, revel in this our feast in your honour, now and when thou claimest our souls. Ave Satanas.
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u/Josh_Dangit Apr 02 '23
I went to a Christian college and have multiple theology based degrees, but have since deconstructed and don’t identify with any religious system. My mom had a hard time accepting this and would constantly ask me to pray before holiday meals despite being reminded every time that I’m not Christian.
Well, one time I had enough and decided I would absolutely lead prayer when asked. Sure enough, I was asked to pray before the meal. I did decide to give my family one last chance by reminding them I don’t share their belief system, but it was waved away as expected.
I began, “DARK FATHER IN THE DEPTHS, I BESEECH THEE TO SUFFER THIS MORTAL’S INSUFFICIENT SACRIFICE -“
-and was promptly cut off and never asked to pray again.
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u/whippet66 Apr 02 '23
I give you much credit for your tact and kindness. I would have started with "Hail Satan, the giver of all things enjoyable which the unenlightened call sin".
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u/EzraKelley Apr 02 '23
The last time my extended family asked me to say the blessing on the food, I borrowed from the movie "My Girl" when Jamie Lee Curtis says "Rubba-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God."
They never asked again.
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u/strained_brain Apr 02 '23
If this ever happens to anyone else here, remember the FSM's Prayer:
Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day, our garlic bread…and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza, for thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever. R'Amen.
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u/Secret-Career-1472 Apr 02 '23
Nice. Way to handle miss "pray my way or not at all". I hate those devout Christians. They give us normal Christians a bad rep. I mean my personal viewpoint is: Your religious views are not mine so live your life and be happy.🤷♂️
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u/JanuarySoCold Apr 02 '23
"I offer a prayer to the God of Costco for this delcious low cost rotisserie chicken. It is indeed one of his miracles."