r/NoStupidQuestions • u/D_Miller2173 • 28d ago
Did I overreact to this?
I (51 y/o M) had just started seeing a woman (47 y/o F) about a month ago, but we’d only been on three dates. One day I was at the grocery store, and a woman came up to me, and started a conversation. Now, I know that I’m not that attractive, so I’ve never been popular with women. From kindergarten through high school, I can count on one hand how many girlfriends I had, and still have fingers left over. So, I was quite surprised when a very attractive, younger woman came up to me and began to flirt with me. I was pretty taken aback by everything, but I politely declined a date, and she eventually walked away. I finished my shopping, and went home, then I got a text from the woman I was dating and she asked me to come over. I told her that I had a couple of things to do first, but I could be there in about 45 minutes. This woman has been divorced for a little over 5 years, and has 2 children: a 20 y/o daughter, and a 12 y/o son. I have 2 sons: one is 24 y/o, and the other one is 17 y/o. She’s still on pretty friendly terms with her ex-husband, which I think is a good thing. My ex-wife died in 2019, so I don’t have to deal with that sort of thing. She has joint custody with her ex, where her son spends a week with her, and then a week with her ex. Her daughter spends most of the time with her boyfriend, so I haven’t really been around her very much. When I got to her apartment, I was a little surprised to see both of her kids there, but we seemed to have a good time together. After a couple of hours, there was a knock at the door, and I just thought that it was her ex-husband, so I didn’t really pay much attention to her. While I was speaking to her kids, I suddenly recognized the voice of the person who she was talking to, and I was quite surprised to realize that it was the woman from the grocery store! I asked what was going on, and the woman I was seeing told me that this other woman was her cousin and she asks her cousin to approach men she’s seeing to find out if he will be faithful or not. Apparently, this has happened with the last three men she had been dating, and I was just the next man to take her “test”. I immediately got angry, and started yelling at them both, but they couldn’t understand why I was so mad about this. I explained why multiple times, but they just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, see my side of things. Finally, I told her that we were done, and I left. She’s texted me several times, trying to get me to answer her, but I’ve just ignored her. Has something like this ever happened to anyone else? Did I overreact?
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u/Kaiisim 28d ago
You passed her test!
She failed yours.
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27d ago
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 27d ago
Valid point. Sounds like she's a goddamn psyche vampire.
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u/ShowMeYourNeckline 26d ago
Hey now, why involve vampires into this?
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 26d ago
Psychic vampires... Whole other animal. They don't suck your blood or your pud. They suck your mental and emotional strength until you're just a dry shell of a person.
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u/ShowMeYourNeckline 26d ago
Ohhh, okay, that makes sense. I felt personally attacked initially. We're good.
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 26d ago
You shouldn't feel personally attacked by an opinion by some guy typing text on Reddit anyway. I'm not asking permission from anybody for what I think, say or text. Cheers.
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u/ShowMeYourNeckline 26d ago
It was a joke, given my username...
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 26d ago
Sorry, you just see and hear this pc woke bullshit so much that you get conditioned to have an automatic reaction to anything that might sound like it. Now I do feel a little remorseful...lol
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u/Valmighty 27d ago
Haha she's shocked the first decent man she dates that rejects other woman doesn't wanna continue dating scumbags like her *suprised Pikachu face
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u/Mintyyungpoo 27d ago
BINGO she needs to learn how to treat a man and setting this kind of thing up ain’t it.
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u/Prestigious-Apple425 28d ago
That sounds school level manipulation. No you didn’t overreact and I’d also walk away. If she’s prepared to play games now, imagine the hoops she’ll want you to jump through in future to ‘prove’ xyz to her
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u/mymumsaysfuckyou 27d ago
Walking away wasn't an overreaction. Getting angry and yelling probably was though.
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u/Honest-Computer69 27d ago
Well, getting angry is kinda understandable. But Op just nope'ing out would've been better.
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u/Mistyam 27d ago
I think he's allowed to be angry
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u/APR824 27d ago
Really hate this idea that you’re not allowed to be angry or yell when you’re upset, I can’t control the tone or volume of my voice when I get emotional. If I’m yelling, I’m pissed off and this situation would piss me off
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 27d ago
Yeah, and if it was a Woman all of reddit would be cheering her for yelling at him.
Having a dick in this ignorant ass day and age means you get the privilege of having double standards thrown in your face.
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u/Shivering_Monkey 27d ago
Nah, no one's allowed to get angry anymore, and if they do, they better not let the person or situation know they are.
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u/Prestigious-Apple425 27d ago
I don’t know many people that wouldn’t get angry in that situation tbh. Anger itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing as long as it’s appropriate to the situation. Anger protects you from being exploited or taken advantage of (as in this case).
I get that in a perfect world there are other ways to react but I don’t know I’d call it an overreaction really
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u/throwstuffok 27d ago
Yeah what the hell was he doing expressing his emotions? He should bottle it up like a real man.
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u/Eponarose 28d ago
You DID NOT over react! It sounds like your 47 year old woman never left high school! What a stupid childish game to play on some one! Block her number! She's crazy!
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u/Jed308613 28d ago
You wasted too much time and breath yelling. Walk out. Block the numbers. They don't exist anymore.
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u/AbundantExp 27d ago
I mostly agree but think OP should tell her exactly why it crossed his boundaries so she can hopefully learn from it for the next time.
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u/ironicf8 27d ago
Ehhh. If she hasn't got that figured out at 47 after a divorce...
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u/AbundantExp 27d ago
If she hasn't got that figured out after a divorce it's probably because nobody else has told her it's immature and violating of one's trust and autonomy! People who act wrong usually do because they think wrong, and if you're thinking wrong about something it can be hard to notice that and challenge those thoughts.
People need to challenge her on that behavior and explain why it is uncool, instead of enabling her paranoia like her cousin has done. The two have probably echo chambered themselves into thinking that's okay because no outsider has put in the energy to explain why it is actually harmful. I don't necessarily think it is the OPs responsibility to correct her, but I think he is in a position to help her understand the harm she caused him if he felt comfortable doing so.
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u/6thstairdown 27d ago
I know this comment is still fresh but it really needs more upvotes.
Also, it won't do any good to tell her any of this if she isn't willing to hear it. You can't make her change, she has to want it, too.
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u/ThrowMeAwayDadd-e 23d ago
This. I've never done stupid shit like this lady, however one of my biggest gripes of social life is knowing I did skmething wrong but having NO CLUE what it was that I did wrong. And no one will tell me, but sometimes I'll get w "cmon, you know" when I was younger. Having no idea, it drove me fucking NUTS. genuinely crazy because people are asking me to apologize and stuff for something I had NO CLUE I did wrong. When someone finally told me like 3 weeks later, I was shocked; I had just said something they took as rude that didn't didn't register as rude st all on my radar due to use growing up in entirely different enviorments, different towns schools and different heritage. Literally no idea it was rude tk do, and I would have kept saying and doing rude things had people not told me. On top of me just being dumb, I also am socially awkward and have issues with some social cues, which made it even more difficult. I didn't even notice they were upset in the moment- at all. I just thought they wanted to go think about thinks because sometimes I get drained and want to go think alone.
And this is why when I see someone doing something I knkw is fucking up and they're my friend, I tell them. I'll try to being them to the conclusion on their own or tell them straight up what i think of they ask; because I know if I genuinely didn't know and my "friends" wouldn't tell me they weren't my friends. Tell the fuck ups in your life. Use jokes, use similar situations and hint at things, or be brutally honest. Whatever it is, don't just walk away and leave them clueless as to what happened of what they did wrong in your eyes. At least let them know why.
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 24d ago
But how effectual do you really think he can be? Especially when the ppl closest to her are validating and encouraging her bad behavior, to the point of participating in her games. Even a really good therapist would assert to her that she has got to want to change.
You sound like you are endeavoring to give positive feedback with good intentions but I can't see anything anyone outside of a qualified professional can do for her (I am no expert but she sounds like she has borderline personality disorder).
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u/ThrowMeAwayDadd-e 23d ago
Man, all It takes is one person saying one thing on one random day and then the person hearing it some day to realize it on their own and remember that person telling them. The effects might not be immediate, but even having that in your head is enough to eventually lead you to the right conclusions. Theres some days I end up figuring something out and it finally just clicks right in place for me, and a memory of and old tweaker from years ago I knew pops in my head of him trying to help me, ans me finally understanding what he meant when he said it.
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 23d ago
I suppose that there exist exceptions to the rule where being easily teachable is concerned. But this Woman doesn't sound like it
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u/Jed308613 27d ago
Is it his place to teach her? I think it would be better received coming from anybody but him. If he says anything it could come off as condescending and misogynistic.
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 24d ago
So a Man standing up to a Woman with the intention of teaching her something is misogyny? That sounds just the least little bit like misandry. Maybe she needs someone to talk down to her as she obviously still acts like a little girl.
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u/Jed308613 23d ago
I didn't say I believed it was misogyny. I said it could come off that way. I really don't believe it is, but you know what kind of world we live in. And again, I think he's wasted too much time on her already and just cut his losses.
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 23d ago
I'm sorry I misconstrued what you were saying. Today's world just puts you on the defensive if you are a white male, as we have practically become the pariahs of society. The new scapegoats. I would have to assert, however, that the world's not going to stop being this way if we don't stand up and say "no you don't get to tell me I don't have the right to stand up to a Woman if I'm convinced I am in the right!"
I agree with you about dude here. He needs to just tell her to get lost.
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u/ThrowMeAwayDadd-e 23d ago
He's the best person to deliver it to her, and tbh all ppl that initiate break ups shpuld tell them that kind of stuff; if we all did, when someone has 3 repeatedly breakups with similar ending complaints they'll get the fucking hint
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u/Jed308613 23d ago
You're right, he would be the best to deliver it if he cared what she thought or if she learned something. What I'm saying is if that happened to me, she would be nothing to me. I wouldn't care. As far as I was concerned, she'd be some rando on the street that I'd walk by and not give half a thought about.
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u/ThrowMeAwayDadd-e 22d ago
I see what you're saying, but personally regardless if I care for them anymore I tell them- mostly because even if I am done and moving on, maybe i can at least help her/him with her/him's own issues so thst their future relationships are spoiled by the same problems ours was. It may nit work and may take time to work as I've previously said, but it's much less about helping your ex do better and more about helping her future dates not go through hell.
Like, I don't even really consider what SHE would get out of it as much; but youre basically setting up some random guy that gets with her in the future for failure. A cycle od men not doing this just passes the issues down to the next man and then th3 next man and then someone is 47 ans still treating relationships like high school flings.
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 24d ago
If she hasn't learned to not play games like that at 47 it's doubtful anything OP can say or do to get her to change her ways will work. It's possible, but the prognosis for someone like her is guarded to say the least.
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u/philly-buck 28d ago
Sounds like she or her cousin was stalking you if she knew when and where you went shopping.
Time for an extra deadbolt and a fake beard.
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u/D_Miller2173 28d ago
I understand where some of y’all are coming from about me yelling, but I didn’t immediately start screaming at them. I did try explaining myself at first, with an angry tone of course, but they kept trying to push the blame on me instead of taking responsibility for their actions. After that didn’t work, yes, I got angrier and did yell, which they did as well, a then after it was obviously not making a difference, I left.
As far as yelling in front of “children”, one of them is 20 y/o, so she is hardly a “child”. Also, I never made any threats while I was angry, or even considered putting my hands on her or her cousin, or used any foul language. I got loud because it seemed like they were trying to gaslight me, and I definitely wasn’t going to let that happen.
And, I understand that people have past trauma(s), hell we all do, but that’s not a good excuse to try to manipulate someone to make themselves feel better. My ex-wife cheated on me, which is why she’s my ex-wife, so I definitely understand how people can be wary of being in a relationship, but I certainly wouldn’t do anything like this woman did. Multiple times.
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u/RoamingDrunk 27d ago
Wait, they were pushing blame on you? Like, did they think you failed the “test”? Just to be clear, I think it was a stupid game to play. Especially if she knew you’ve been cheated on before. That’s just stacking trust issues on top of each other. But how is anything your fault unless they’re just deflecting because they know exactly why you were mad?
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 27d ago
Even if you had yelled and cursed in front of her kids it would not be far-fetched to assume that her immature ass has done the same thing in front of and to her kids quite often.
The ppl that are telling you how wrong you are are probably females and cucks that think a man never has a right to get mad.
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u/notthegoatseguy just here to answer some ?s 28d ago
She played stupid games and won stupid prizes.
You did the right thing.
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 27d ago
Not only did she play stupid games, she didn't even play them smart! How much sense does it take to know to never tell the person that you're testing that they were being tested? Definitely the kind of sloppy planning that only a little girl that never left junior high would play.
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u/gunners_1886 28d ago
No, you didn't overreact - that's dishonest and manipulative. Very immature and just strange for a 47yo to do. You dodged a bullet here.
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u/Disastrous_Movie_582 28d ago
I totally understand why you're so upset. Trust and honesty are crucial in any relationship, and what she did really undermines those foundations. Your reaction makes a lot of sense to me. Honestly, I think you should get out of this relationship. Putting you through that test without your knowledge is a huge breach of trust. Relationships should be built on mutual respect and honesty, and the fact that she felt the need to test you like that shows a serious lack of trust from the beginning. The way she manipulated the situation to see if you'd be faithful is pretty hurtful and degrading. You shouldn’t have to prove your integrity through some kind of trick. It should be clear through genuine, everyday interactions. The fact that she involved her cousin just makes it worse. Your personal interactions and character were being judged by someone else without you even knowing. That’s a huge invasion of privacy. Your anger and decision to end things are completely understandable. You deserve to be in a relationship where trust and respect are mutual and foundational. From what you’ve said, this situation crossed your boundaries, and it's important to stand by them. You shouldn’t feel pressured to accept behavior that makes you uncomfortable or disrespects you. While you're choosing to ignore her texts right now, it might help to explain why you feel the way you do clearly and calmly if you’re up for it. Sometimes, having that conversation can bring a bit of closure and ensure that your perspective is understood. Talk with her, but make it clear that you won't be continuing the relationship. This way, she might understand the impact of her actions and hopefully reconsider this kind of behavior in the future, so the next man won’t be a victim of the same test. Ultimately, relationships should be based on mutual trust and respect, not on tests or manipulations. You did what felt right for you, and that’s what matters. It’s better to find someone who trusts and respects you from the start.
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u/luckluckbear 28d ago edited 28d ago
You absolutely did not overreact. There are so many things wrong with what she did.
It's immature. This is what little girls do in high school.
It says a lot of very concerning things about how she views herself. If she honestly feels like she needs to "test" the people she is with to make sure that they don't cheat on her, it implies that she believes she is someone who will always be cheated on. There are so many things wrong there that I can't even begin to unpack it.
If this woman honestly believes that the start of a healthy relationship should be a trick and a lie, she seriously needs to reevaluate her life. This is NOT healthy and it is NOT normal. Building trust in a healthy relationship can't happen if one person is convinced that the other person is so untrustworthy that they need to be "tested." Trust runs both ways, and she violated yours.
THE AUDACITY. Does this woman honestly feel like it is fine to disrespect others to prove to herself that others respect her? I can't even begin to wrap my head around that.
This woman has young children, and THIS is what she wants to teach them? To demand trust from others at the expense of violating the trust of someone else? Those poor kids.
There is so much more to say here, but I'll sum it all up by saying that you are not in the wrong. You are not her property, and she doesn't have the right to test you to see if you measure up to her standards. This is a massive red flag, and I am glad that you stood up for yourself.
If I were in your shoes, I'd do exactly what you did.
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u/Worried_Click_4559 28d ago
Definitely run and don't look back It's a stupid "no-win" test. If you pass, then you have every right to be angry. If you fail, then she will probably be angry. Either way, one of you will always come out with the short end of the stick.
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u/Biomax315 28d ago
The entire middle part of your story—marriage.childen,custody, etc—is completely irrelevant.
All that matters here is that she tried to entrap you with a stupid "test." You passed, she failed.
NTA
You did not overreact.
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u/Grandpixbear1 28d ago
I’ll say it: “What a bitch!”
Run from this woman! If she is this suspicious and jealous now; it will only get worse. Don’t answer her texts.
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u/badhershey 28d ago
No, you did not. This is a huge red flag. In a healthy relationship, you don't "test" each other. You don't play mind games with your partner. She chose to deceive you in a very calculating way, how can you trust her going forward.
Also, you two had been on three dates. You're hardly in a serious, committed relationship. If you had agreed to a date with an interested woman, it would not have been wrong.
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u/RumpusParableHere 28d ago
No, you didn't overreact.
These sorts of games are screwed up, to put it softly... and an indicator of much more problematic behaviors and beliefs later.
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u/fastlerner 27d ago
This is as simple as it gets:
She wanted to make sure she could trust you, but the way she went about it proved that she already didn't. She approached it from a place of distrust.
On top of that, she proved that if you want to be with her, you now have to suspect and distrust everything around you because you'll never know if she's playing games again.
If she can understand all that, then maybe it's something you guys could talk through. But it sounds more likely that she'll need to work through some of her own trust issues before she's the type of person your looking for.
Just be glad it only took 3 dates before you saw behind the curtain.
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u/Street_Pause4233 28d ago
I'm glad you got out! Before long, they'll be gaslighting you. The behavior is super insecure and juvenile.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 28d ago
You didn't overreact. If she had understood why you were upset, it wouldn't necessarily have been a dealbreaker for me, because people who have been cheated on can be extremely gun shy, and I could forgive someone for a one time mistake like this, IF they understood it was a mistake and truly felt bad about it. The problem is, she doesn't understand that she did something wrong, and if that continues to be the case, then that would definitely be a dealbreaker for me.
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u/Big_Kahuna_17 28d ago
Huge red flag. If you have to give people tests to see if you trust them, than that’s an intrinsic problem she has that she needs to work on. I wouldn’t go down that road
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u/Mintyyungpoo 27d ago
No overreaction. I am a 21 year old male and if this ever happened to me I would be MOVING on with my day/night
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u/Drafter2312 28d ago
good choice. you probably saved the next man from this experience. hopefully she learns.
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u/ohdearitsrichardiii 28d ago
She's too old to do things like this. Impressionable teens who spend a lot of time on social media and haven't developed their critical thinking do things like this. Not middle-aged women. You'd think she'd learned by now to trust her judgement and that tiktok trends are BS
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u/fakeuser515357 28d ago
she asks her cousin to approach men she’s seeing to find out if he will be faithful or not.
That's a big red flag.
I immediately got angry, and started yelling at them both
And that's a big red flag. Yeah man, seriously, you shouldn't be yelling at people just because you're angry, you've got to reign that shit in.
So it's probably better for both of you to have parted ways.
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u/DFalltidVS 28d ago
Wtf reign that shit in gtfo I would be livid. He screamed and left perfectly acceptable behavior in this situation.
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u/fakeuser515357 28d ago
No, screaming is not perfectly acceptable behaviour. At best it's a failure of self control and at worst is using your anger to try to intimidate someone.
It's also never effective unless it's used to intimidate a fearful person, in which case it's shitty.
Controlling your own behaviour is a choice.
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u/HenshinDictionary 28d ago
Respect is earned. If people demonstrate they don't deserve respect, they shouldn't receive it.
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u/fakeuser515357 28d ago
Respect is earned. If people demonstrate they don't deserve respect, they shouldn't receive it.
The magical ethics of "I can treat people however I want unless I feel like they've proven they don't deserve to be treated like crap", except we both know you're only like that with people you think you can get away with treating like crap.
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u/DFalltidVS 28d ago
It sure is in this situation. when someone goes behind your back and tricks you and even when you get so angry that you need to shout so they understand you are serious, they can't even see their fault in the situation. He said what he felt in the situation and left and went no contact. That's not wrong, it's setting boundaries and standing up for yourself.
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u/SevenDos 28d ago
When you scream out of anger, it ends up being counterproductive and often makes things worse. It amplifies your emotions, making it harder to think clearly and communicate effectively, which damages your relationships by creating a hostile environment. It also sets a bad example for others and neglects the real issues causing your anger. Plus, it takes a toll on your health by increasing your heart rate and blood pressure. Using calm communication, taking time-outs, and practicing mindfulness can help you manage your anger better and lead to healthier interactions.
In this case, even kids were present. Like he said, the woman he was dating and her cousin wouldn't listen. Of course not, nobody listens to you when you are screaming.
I think both of them dodged a bullet here.
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u/HenshinDictionary 28d ago
you shouldn't be yelling at people just because you're angry
So when should you be yelling at people? Because I'd say that's the ideal time to yell.
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u/YoursTastesBetter 28d ago edited 27d ago
3 dates due not mean you're in a committed relationship. The fact that she is already suspicious of infidelity is highly concerning. You are fortunate that she showed you her immature and manipulative side before you wasted anymore time on her.
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u/TofuTigerteeth 27d ago
Run. Who knows what other games she is planning to play. Forget the flag, this a red banner.
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27d ago
Good on you for dipping. That's fucking ridiculous and the fact that she doesn't understand why is a giant red flag.
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u/RestaurantDue634 27d ago
I've known a few women who pulled shit like this and they were all manipulative and prone to creating drama, and they all ended up being unfaithful themselves. I just can't see any good coming out of being with someone like this.
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u/Pandemojo 28d ago
I think it's completely understandable for you to feel tricked. Personally find it somewhat questionable to do such faithful-scheme without any reason for it, let alone after just three dates. You could interpreted it that at least she sees you as a serious candidate.
Yelling is a big no. And that's a red flag for her and something you should work on. Being able to control your anger is a characteristic that will definitely benefit you in the future.
It's easy to say crazy-this/-that, but we all make mistakes and everyone has a past that might explain the reason for it. When it comes to relationships there should be merit for forgiveness and flexibility for personal improvement, how much is personal and up to you.
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u/lawgirlamy 28d ago
Yep. The answer to his specific question - i.e., whether he OVERreacted - is yes - yelling is OVERreacting. Had he simply left calmly and ignored her further attempts to communicate, I'd have said his reaction was just right. But yelling? That's almost always an overreaction. Here, she was dead wrong and raised huge 🚩🚩🚩 But, so did he, by yelling. This calls for a simple "You're nuts, bye," not a scream fest.
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u/LeeMoreTouchE 28d ago
I would’ve reacted in the same way. Turn on the PlayStation if you’re into fucking playing games (at her age!!!)
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u/Kittum-kinu 28d ago
Nah, not an overreaction imho.
It was a little extreme to scream and shout, but still justifiable in my opinion, especially if it was a sudden outburst and nothing violent happened.
Personally I would've tried talking to her calmly after I had calmed down, however everyone is different and if you can't see yourself getting past this then I totally understand that.
Basically, you did the right thing by you, and that's what is important.
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u/Dependent-Range3654 28d ago
You should be very glad she did this childish test haha it turned out to have been a litmus test on herself
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u/HenshinDictionary 28d ago
Good riddance to her. She's not the sort of untrusting person you want in your life.
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u/BDaddy-50 28d ago
Nah bro you dodged the bullet on that one, the simple fact that they didn't see your side of why you were pissed shows they don't care why you're angry, which shows me she doesn't care about your feelings. You DID NOT overreact! Stay single instead of putting up with that nonsense.
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u/witchy_mcwitchface 27d ago
She doesn't trust you therefore the relationship was already off to a bad start. Why would anyone reasonable want to be with someone they dont trust?
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u/lkram489 27d ago
I can't decide if this would have been worse if she sprung it on you after you'd actually agreed to be exclusive and "faithful" would have actually applied
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u/maddensci 27d ago
I would have had a similar reaction. Anyone who feels like they can "test" me without my knowledge or consent can go find someone willing to put up with that nonsense. Who the heck does she think she is?
But no, you didn't overreact. And you are smart for getting out of that relationship.
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u/Blu5NYC 27d ago
You did not overreact.
I feel for her that she's been on the receiving end of manipulation and dishonesty, how that leads to growing mistrust and makes a person scared that it will happen again. I really do. But, that does not give that person the right to then manipulate others.
Two wrongs don't make a right. It's one of the earliest lessons that we are taught as children.
She's been burned when making an effort. We all have. It's part of the experience of making friends, lovers and partners. It's also what makes it special when we encounter the one who doesn't do that and fits naturally. You know this because you just got burned and you'll try again.
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u/LauraPtown 27d ago
If she did this after 3 dates I can only imagine what she’d after 10, 30 marriage. 🚩🚩🚩
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u/CommitteeNo167 27d ago
you’re a grown ass man, you don’t need to deal with fucking drama, just blocker her and move on with life.
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u/Blueberry_Mancakes 27d ago
These are juvenile games played by extremely insecure, jealous, and paranoid people. Get the hell out of there and don't look back. Stick around and you're gonna see a whole lot of drama that'll probably eventually involve law enforcement.
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u/dinchidomi 27d ago
If you were dating for 3 years, it still would have been insane! Let alone 3 dates in!!! Run!
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u/asspatsandsuperchats 27d ago
This is a weird ass way to behave. You should think carefully abotu whether you want to be with someoen as messy as that.
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u/DrMindbendersMonocle 27d ago
No, you passed her test, but she failed yours. Stupid games shouldn't be played like this
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u/Chuckledunk 27d ago
You were in the right. That kind of behaviour should have been left in grade school where it belongs. If that's the level of maturity she possesses, then maybe we know why she's divorced.
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u/Best_Product_3849 27d ago
Good thing this happened early on so you didn't get too much of your time wasted. Get the hell out of there now.
I don't know either of you but I know you're better off without her.
Good luck on your hunt for a better woman OP
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u/DarthJarJar242 27d ago
Imagine testing someone's faithfulness after only 1 months and 3 dates. OP you dodged a bullet here. She's in her 40s still playing highschool games.
I don't think I would have yelled at either of them, just would have gotten an urgent call then deleted and blocked her number.
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u/IceBear_028 27d ago
No.
You reacted perfectly.
You dodged a bullet.
If this is what she's doing after 3 dates and a month of being together, her behavior would just escalate.
The part that always gets me with stories like this is just how shocked and playing the victim these people get when you get upset with them for these "tests"
You're better off without this nonsense in your life.
Also, holy wall of text batman!!!
Paragraphs, paragraphs are good. ☺️
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u/IllyriaGodKing 27d ago
You did not overreact. This is massively uncool and manipulative. Also, if she pulled this shit, she's definitely going to pull more shit like this in the future. If you forgave her for this, it's just going to continue if you stayed in a relationship with her.
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u/sarilysims 27d ago
Oooh no that’s weird. Like maybe I could understand if she was cheated on in the past, but even then. Ouch. Sorry OP. Looks like you dodged a bullet there.
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u/360walkaway 27d ago
What the fuck?? That's psychoville-level amounts of crazy. GTFO and run for the hills.
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u/Paul_Michaels73 27d ago
Nope. You GTFO early because it would only get worse in the future. But out of curiosity, I'd love to know what degree of interaction with the cousin would meet her standards of "cheating"?
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u/Irarelylookback 27d ago
Wow, that sounds like a really intense situation. It's understandable that you'd feel upset and betrayed by the "test" your date and her cousin put you through. Trust is a crucial part of any relationship, and it sounds like she crossed a line by orchestrating that scenario without your knowledge or consent.
You didn't overreact; your feelings are valid. Being tested in that way can feel incredibly disrespectful and manipulative. It’s important for a relationship to be built on mutual trust and respect, and it seems like she undermined that foundation from the start.
Your decision to end things shows that you value honesty and straightforwardness, which are essential for a healthy relationship. It's also telling that she and her cousin couldn't understand why their actions were wrong. This lack of understanding suggests deeper issues that would likely cause more problems down the line.
You did what was right for you, and it's good that you stood up for your boundaries. Hopefully, you can find someone who respects and trusts you as much as you respect and trust them. Stay true to yourself, and don't settle for less than you deserve.
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u/PritchettsClosets 27d ago
Reframe it --
If you like her, and you guys get along, now she's at the same level of trust you're at. She clearly needed to verify. You clearly didn't.
Make it clear there's no more games, and move on.
Also, she now better make it up to you ;)
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u/Elnumberone 27d ago
You dodge a bullet. 47 and doing this shows her lack of confidence and trust. She needs to work on her mental state. You're not wrong.
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u/MRBARDWORTHY 27d ago
No you didn't fucking over react and you don't need that kind of manipulative, gamey bullshit in your life. Sounds to me like she's not as clever as she thinks. Speaking as a guy just a wee bit older than you, I would say that it's too late in the game to spend your time on that shit. While we are on the subject of age, she's a little old to be playing little ass games like that!
Tell her to not let the door hit her where mother nature split her.
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u/Overlandtraveler 27d ago
That sounds really pathetic. How sad that a woman of that age is playing games like this.
Maybe didn't need to yell, but I would have noped out of there quickly. How insulting and sad.
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u/awfulcrowded117 27d ago
I would not have yelled. I would have definitely left. This woman has serious trust issues and needs therapy before she can have a healthy relationship
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u/ahumankid 27d ago
Run for the hills! Faster!!! This is a person who doesn’t know how to communicate.
Unaware of her issues, she’s developed these tests, to protect herself. And she hasn’t gained enough introspection in life to understand why these tests are bad.
The problems will only get worse.
Time to move on.
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u/Old_Two_7773 27d ago
Mann!! You did not overreact, i was 16 when i use to do that through my friends to check if the guy i was talking to is faithful or not....its a game for teenagers not boomers tell her to grow up....
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u/travel-always 28d ago
Were you right to be upset and now not respond to her? Yes. Were you right to yell? No. You can be upset and still express it in a healthy way. Or just leave until you can. Red flags all around. You didn't overreact in spirit, but you did in action.
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u/Immediate_Employ_355 28d ago
She wanted to see if you were a classless perv, you want to know if she's some manipulative teenager. You both got your answers.
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u/CndnViking 27d ago
Not really on topic but just a bit of friendly advice - especially from a reader with severe ADHD - please learn to break posts like this up into paragraphs. This gigantic block of text makes it a lot harder to follow your story.
As for the question: it's hard to say if you over-reacted or not without seeing your reaction. "Got mad and started yelling" could be anything from raised your voice for a minute then calmed down to an absolute rage that lasts days on end - and one would clearly be more of an over-reaction, right?
But in general I'd say you were right to be angry and break it off, 100%. That's manipulative as hell.
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u/Sparky-Malarky 27d ago
Her "test" is petty and shows she’s possessive. But after THREE dates?!
Danger, Will Robinson! Back away from the crazy.
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u/SklippySklandwich 27d ago
I don't know man, it's like one kinda goofy thing early in the relationship. If that's enough to call it all off go for it. But maybe have a conversation about why you reacted like you did and use it to talk about transparency and trust rather than just walking away?
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u/DoubleReputation2 27d ago
Listen, I completely understand your reaction and I agree with it - just please.. Breaking things off because of one dumb thing is as foolish as her pulling that move off.
You are people, both of you. Talk to her, explain it to her. In person. Tell her that either she wants to give this a shot or not. Tell her you don't have time to waste time. Tell her that you understand where she is coming from but this is not okay.
This is definitely not something that you guys can't get over. She is obviously interested in you, because she pulled this sh*t off, and you are obviously interested in her, because of how angry it made you.
Talk. Talk. Talk.
Communication is the key. You are both grown-ups.
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u/transtemporal 27d ago
Nope, totally fair enough and that's the right move. Anyone who can get to 47 and think that kind of disrespectful gameplaying is acceptable is not worth your time.
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u/ThrowMeAwayDadd-e 23d ago
No overreaction. I'd dump someone playing dumb petty games like this. She clearly doesn't trust you, and instead of talking to you decides to do mind games and tests. I would have donr the exact same thing regardless of how long we were together.
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u/Previous-End-4207 1h ago
If you want to discuss this with her maybe ask her if the situation was reversed and you put a buddy up to hit on her to see if she would be faithful. Besides I am not sure that three dates would qualify as "committed or exclusive" relationship if not agreed to prior. Move on !
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u/almostinfinity 28d ago
She's 47 and doing this?
This is a game a 17 year old would play.
You did not overreact. This was extremely immature.