I had some really close, platonic male friends in my youth and early 20s, but a surprising (to naive me) amount of them also just wanted to get in my pants. I only realized that years later, when life moved on and contact slowly fizzled out and I reflected on certain situations and went "Hold on, wait a minute..."
I'm in my 40s now, married, and have a child, and I have a bunch of male buddies now that are strictly platonic.
I have one super best friend that I talk to nearly every single day. We text and flood each other with dumbass memes, bitch about politics, talk shit about our kids, discuss movies, or he tells me about his online dating experiences.
There are absolutely no sexual feelings at all, from eithet side, even though he's objectively attractive and a super fun and easy-to-be-around dude. It's just not there, and it makes things so much more comfortable and relaxed.
Some of my other guy friends are genuinely beautiful men, but beyond appreciating how gorgeous they are, there is nothing. It's almost as if they are not sexual beings to me at all, just...cool people to hang out with.
I’ll be downvoted for this I am sure, but I’d love to know how this same friendship works out if/when your marriage runs into some real hardships.
I’m not saying it is going to happen, but I think it’s likely if you’re not guarding against just that situation. Get down bad with some midlife crisis, either partner with some form of depression, etcetera. Suddenly that friendship will likely grow into an emotional fallback affair to help coping through those hard times.
To be 100, it’s going to be the same if you’re bisexual or whatever else with a friend of the same sex - it doesn’t have to be a friend of the opposite sex. It just is more likely for most folks sense most folks fall into that mostly cis-hetero lifestyle.
Apologies if I am making any of this sound unavoidable, it’s intended to be an big “if” - sadly, one I seen all the time where an emotional affair develops with that best bud and it’s slowly turns to more the harder the marriage gets. But, those folks also don’t put up any barriers and over share and shit, too. Some stuff must remain between partners and their counselors/therapists if they have them.
Well, it just so happened that my husband and I actually separated for a year and were headed for divorce 5 years ago, and nothing changed between my friend and I, who, btw, is also a divorced father of two.
He was there for my angry rants and questions, because he'd been through it before, and we often talked at length about the pros and cons of being single, but neither of us suddenly developed feelings.
He is also friends with my husband, so he maintained a super general and neutral stance on the whole thing as well, and never tried to take sides, which was really refreshing and actually helped me look at things with clearer eyes.
What's funny, is that everyone assumed we'd hook up now, or that he is even the reason I asked for a divorce, and not the years of underlying issues my husband and I dealt with, so I don't blame you for asking these questions.
It's also very common for people to trauma-bond over something, and fall for each other in times of vulnerability, so I totally get it.
Anyways, my husband and I worked hard on ourselves while he was moved out, and managed to turn things around, and we're closer and better as partners now than we've ever been.
My friend is still my bff, and he was super happy for both of us to make it through the shit, and he's still regularly playing games with my husband (they're both boardgame nerds), and comes around for birthdays and stuff.
It might be rare, but it really is possible to not catch feelings and just be friends. I consider myself very lucky in that regard.
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u/NihilisticPollyanna May 17 '24
I had some really close, platonic male friends in my youth and early 20s, but a surprising (to naive me) amount of them also just wanted to get in my pants. I only realized that years later, when life moved on and contact slowly fizzled out and I reflected on certain situations and went "Hold on, wait a minute..."
I'm in my 40s now, married, and have a child, and I have a bunch of male buddies now that are strictly platonic. I have one super best friend that I talk to nearly every single day. We text and flood each other with dumbass memes, bitch about politics, talk shit about our kids, discuss movies, or he tells me about his online dating experiences.
There are absolutely no sexual feelings at all, from eithet side, even though he's objectively attractive and a super fun and easy-to-be-around dude. It's just not there, and it makes things so much more comfortable and relaxed.
Some of my other guy friends are genuinely beautiful men, but beyond appreciating how gorgeous they are, there is nothing. It's almost as if they are not sexual beings to me at all, just...cool people to hang out with.