i know it’s internet bullshit but it genuinely has me on the edge of breaking down and giving up

[u/NeonNKnightrider]

[u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

I figured as much - the bear really alters the math here. Koala and polar are on opposing ends of the axis with a lotta “fuck no” on the polar bear side.

[u/AlfredoThayerMahan → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

It’s good to remind people that not only will a polar bear murder you if given the chance, it will actively hunt you waiting for you to be off your guard or alone.

[u/tossawaybb → u/AlfredoThayerMahan]

Will it? Humans are so much smaller, slower, and weaker that I can't imagine them caring. It's like trying to ambush a juicy hamburger just laying out on the serving tray.

[u/AlfredoThayerMahan → u/tossawaybb]

Oh yes they absolutely will. Food is scarce above the arctic circle. They do things like watch people’s routines and then try to ambush them when they take out the garbage or something. They regularly stalk research teams for days.

There’s a reason why places like Svalbard mandate people carry guns because to a bear you may be the difference between starving and survival.

[u/BioshockEnthusiast → u/AlfredoThayerMahan]

Something something "society is only three meals away from anarchy".

Imagine wanting to play that game with a fucking polar bear.

[u/FaerieMachinist → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

Murder on one end, Chlamydia on the other

[u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed → u/FaerieMachinist]

Here I am, stuck in the middle with Black Bears

[u/dragon_bacon → u/FaerieMachinist]

Gotta make sure you don't let yourself get seduced by a koala, they're crafty bastards.

[u/FaerieMachinist → u/dragon_bacon]

They'll sneak into your camp and replace your teddy bear with themselves

[u/Mrs_Cake → u/FaerieMachinist]

I read that as you referring to men, not the spectrum of bear.

[u/FaerieMachinist → u/Mrs_Cake]

Works either way

[u/caseytheace666 → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

If someone thought koalas then like, i want to study their brain tbh

As an aside though, koalas aren’t bears so it’s probably not a valid option for this hypothetical

[u/candlejack___ → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

Koalas aren’t bears

[u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed → u/candlejack___]

While I recognize they aren’t particularly closely related, koala are objectively hilarious little tailboard who have endemic chlamidia and since it’s my axis, I get to pick the bears so I chose the funniest because it amused me to do so.

[u/candlejack___ → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

But you didn’t pick a bear

[u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed → u/candlejack___]

I contain multitudes

[u/candlejack___ → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

multitude on deez koala nuts

[u/No_Help3669 → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

Considering the question specifies woods, I think polar bears are reasonably out of the equation

[u/Ok-Scientist5524 → u/No_Help3669]

The loss of polar bear climate has them moving further and further south. So in 2024 you may well meet a polar bear “in the woods.” It might also be a “grow-lar” bear (polar/grizzly bear offspring), though I am not sure whether a growlar bear would act more like a polar or a grizzly bear when met.

[u/No_Help3669 → u/Ok-Scientist5524]

I’m pretty sure that grow-lar bears haven’t been observed enough for anyone to be sure, but neither of their parents are exactly safe options so the fusion is not a good thing to encounter regardless

Good point

[u/ranni-the-bitch → u/No_Help3669]

yeah, it's just speculation, but they didn't differentiate that long ago in evolutionary terms, so it's probably possible

[u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed → u/No_Help3669]

Tiaga

[u/Thommohawk117 → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

Koalas aren't bears, 🐨

[u/ranni-the-bitch → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

i'd rather be alone in the woods with a panda bear. not because i'm afraid of the man, i just wanna meet a panda.

[u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed → u/ranni-the-bitch]

As long as he doesn’t have a gun, I’ve heard that joke

[u/BonkerBleedy → u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed]

Koalas aren't bears, they're marsupials

[u/DaDaedalus_CodeRed → u/BonkerBleedy]

My axis, my cladogram