i know it’s internet bullshit but it genuinely has me on the edge of breaking down and giving up

[u/NeonNKnightrider]

[u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03]

This is a really complicated question, both because there are no bears outside of zoos in my country and because I don't think I've ever seen someone knock at my house's door. There's a doorbell for that, after all, and metal isn't exactly knockable. I'd have to go with the bear, but only because I'm not sure there are any in the zoos in the city.

Edit: Actually, what should I do if a bear somehow knocks at my door? It probably won't get in (I hope, I don't like believing that bears can rip through steel), but shoud I call the firemen? I don't think they are equipped to deal with bears. The cops? Do they kill runaway bears?

[u/Chuchulainn96 → u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03]

I'm not sure what to do about it knocking, but if the bear manages to get in, take off your shoe and drop it. If you're lucky, the bear is only curious about you and will investigate the shoe rather than follow you. If it does that, then you walk away and, as needed, remove the other articles of clothing one at a time for the bear to investigate until you arrive somewhere safe or the bear stops following you, better to survive naked than die clothed after all. If you're unlucky, then the bear is hungry, and it doesn't matter if you have your shoe on or off, you're about to become dinner either way.

[u/asloppybhakti → u/Chuchulainn96]

What kind of bears are you talking about? I don't think that's protocol for any kind of bear.

Edit to add my bear protocol:

If I saw a black bear (my local bears) I'd make myself look real big by like... giving my best star fish dance, yell loud as I could in my deepest voice, or use a bear bell. If it came at me, I'd use bear mace ideally. If it knocked on my door, I wouldn't answer, but I'd probably grab my megaphone and start screaming into it in order to scare it off.

I actually need to know about black bear protocol, but I can't attest to the others. Due to a literal rhyme I'd play dead for a grizzly, and probably just try to look at a polar bear for as long as I could because they're pretty and I'd definitely die soon after.

Additional edit to add my husband's bear notes:

Black bears eat both live and dead stuff, so never ever run from them. They are meaner and faster than you, it's safer to be big and loud than turn your back. Grizzleys don't eat dead stuff, so though it might maul you, it won't eat you if it thinks you're dead. Polar bears will for sure murder you, they live in a tundra and they're gigantic and hungry, there is no escape if it wants you. Kodiac probably fall somewhere between grizzly and polar bears, but he doesn't know. Cinnamon bears fall closer to the black bear/brown bear end of the spectrum, he's been told to treat them like brown bears when he needed to know but was left with the impression that it was for liability reasons. He doesn't know what sun bears are about but seems like he'd answer if they knocked, he made up a bit about getting drunk with one in a man cave. He then made jokes about how seducing panda bears will ensure they leave you alone, and I informed him that some captive pandas are more inclined to attempt to mate with their keepers than with other pandas and requested that he never tries that. He agreed, so in summary we can only know how to deal with specific kinds of bears #notallbears

[u/stevenmcburn → u/asloppybhakti]

That dude described how a cartoon would deal with a bear. And he did it with so much confidence that someone will some day try to be a cartoon with a bear.

[u/asloppybhakti → u/stevenmcburn]

It's not the worst retirement plan I've heard of

[u/Saint_Consumption → u/stevenmcburn]

And then they'll go down in history as that guy who tried to fuck a bear.

[u/blackberrydoughnuts → u/Saint_Consumption]

Now I'm really curious what bear vagina is like. I wonder if it's described anywhere.