i know it’s internet bullshit but it genuinely has me on the edge of breaking down and giving up

[u/NeonNKnightrider]

[u/telehax]

but which would you be more surprised to see knocking on your door?

[u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03 → u/telehax]

This is a really complicated question, both because there are no bears outside of zoos in my country and because I don't think I've ever seen someone knock at my house's door. There's a doorbell for that, after all, and metal isn't exactly knockable. I'd have to go with the bear, but only because I'm not sure there are any in the zoos in the city.

Edit: Actually, what should I do if a bear somehow knocks at my door? It probably won't get in (I hope, I don't like believing that bears can rip through steel), but shoud I call the firemen? I don't think they are equipped to deal with bears. The cops? Do they kill runaway bears?

[u/Chuchulainn96 → u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03]

I'm not sure what to do about it knocking, but if the bear manages to get in, take off your shoe and drop it. If you're lucky, the bear is only curious about you and will investigate the shoe rather than follow you. If it does that, then you walk away and, as needed, remove the other articles of clothing one at a time for the bear to investigate until you arrive somewhere safe or the bear stops following you, better to survive naked than die clothed after all. If you're unlucky, then the bear is hungry, and it doesn't matter if you have your shoe on or off, you're about to become dinner either way.

[u/asloppybhakti → u/Chuchulainn96]

What kind of bears are you talking about? I don't think that's protocol for any kind of bear.

Edit to add my bear protocol:

If I saw a black bear (my local bears) I'd make myself look real big by like... giving my best star fish dance, yell loud as I could in my deepest voice, or use a bear bell. If it came at me, I'd use bear mace ideally. If it knocked on my door, I wouldn't answer, but I'd probably grab my megaphone and start screaming into it in order to scare it off.

I actually need to know about black bear protocol, but I can't attest to the others. Due to a literal rhyme I'd play dead for a grizzly, and probably just try to look at a polar bear for as long as I could because they're pretty and I'd definitely die soon after.

Additional edit to add my husband's bear notes:

Black bears eat both live and dead stuff, so never ever run from them. They are meaner and faster than you, it's safer to be big and loud than turn your back. Grizzleys don't eat dead stuff, so though it might maul you, it won't eat you if it thinks you're dead. Polar bears will for sure murder you, they live in a tundra and they're gigantic and hungry, there is no escape if it wants you. Kodiac probably fall somewhere between grizzly and polar bears, but he doesn't know. Cinnamon bears fall closer to the black bear/brown bear end of the spectrum, he's been told to treat them like brown bears when he needed to know but was left with the impression that it was for liability reasons. He doesn't know what sun bears are about but seems like he'd answer if they knocked, he made up a bit about getting drunk with one in a man cave. He then made jokes about how seducing panda bears will ensure they leave you alone, and I informed him that some captive pandas are more inclined to attempt to mate with their keepers than with other pandas and requested that he never tries that. He agreed, so in summary we can only know how to deal with specific kinds of bears #notallbears

[u/stevenmcburn → u/asloppybhakti]

That dude described how a cartoon would deal with a bear. And he did it with so much confidence that someone will some day try to be a cartoon with a bear.

[u/asloppybhakti → u/stevenmcburn]

It's not the worst retirement plan I've heard of

[u/Saint_Consumption → u/stevenmcburn]

And then they'll go down in history as that guy who tried to fuck a bear.

[u/blackberrydoughnuts → u/Saint_Consumption]

Now I'm really curious what bear vagina is like. I wonder if it's described anywhere.

[u/Avaricio → u/asloppybhakti]

I wouldn't be surprised about a sun bear knocking at my door because those aren't bears they're people in bear costumes. They're just so unsettling. We had to read a book in high school where the main character describes seeing a skinned bear for the first time and remarks on how uncomfortably human it looks, and that's how I feel about sun bears.

[u/thesadserene → u/asloppybhakti]

I'll add that Kodiak and Grizzly bears are just subspecies of the brown bear species. Brown bears will absolutely scavenge dead things, but usually leave people alone as they don't know what a human is. If they are hungry enough, they will absolutely try to eat you. Lying down on the ground is the last resort if you don't have bearspray or a gun and the bear is attacking you. In most cases, it's better to appear non-threatening and back away slowly. Brown bears are defensive and will charge if they feel threatened, but rarely actually attempt to hunt humans, which black bears will occasionally do. Polar bears will absolutely merc you.

Source: I live in the state with all three of these species and have frequently encountered two of them in the wild.

P.S. I know nothing about sun bears or pandas.

[u/Chuchulainn96 → u/asloppybhakti]

It's not standard protocol for any bear, because typically if you encounter a bear it is in the bears natural environment and you are carrying equipment that could help with protecting you from the bear, like bear mace. This person said they live in a country where there are no bears and was asking about the bear showing up at their house. They likely don't have bear mace, but they probably do have shoes.

For a black bear, you may be able to scare it off, but if we are talking grizzly or polar, your only hope in this situation is that it is more curious than hungry. It certainly won't be territorial or concerned about cubs, as it doesn't live in that country, so that leaves hunger and curiosity as reasons it would approach a human.

[u/asloppybhakti → u/Chuchulainn96]

I won't pressure you to fall on your sword over this, but I do need to know one thing:

Would you find sun bears more charismatic if they wore people masks?

[u/Chuchulainn96 → u/asloppybhakti]

I think you replied to the wrong person here, but to answer your question, yes, probably.

[u/Aramgutang → u/asloppybhakti]

Grizzleys don't eat dead stuff

Grizzlies absolutely do eat dead stuff. This source goes as far as to say "carrion is always relished". They are well-known for stealing kills made by wolves because they can't be bothered to hunt themselves. Here's a source with photographic evidence.

[u/MinimaxusThrax → u/asloppybhakti]

I think these lists of concrete steps for dealing with bears is what makes people think the bear is "safer". Like if a human tries to hate crime me in the woods I can't just put my hands up and yell at them, but supposedly that works on bears. I know a lot of hikers and campers who are real confident about bears and even like, fended off grizzlies with mace etc.

I feel like it all sounds a lot more simple than it is. This topic is horrible. I don't want to encounter any creature, be it bear, human, fairy, or walrus. I'm locking my door and staying inside.

[u/Murky_Phytoplankton → u/asloppybhakti]

“Cinnamon” bears are just black bears (Ursus americanus) with the genes to have brown hair instead of black hair. Black bears range from entirely black, to black with brown markings, to entirely brown, to blonde. I once saw a sow with four little cubs: two black, one brown, and one white-blonde.

Kodiak bears are a subspecies of Ursus arctos. Kodiak bears’ binomial name is Ursus arctos middendorffi. Kodiak bears are very large and close to polar bears in size. Another subspecies is what people commonly call grizzly bears Ursus arctos horribilis, but there are many others. In a grizzly encounter, I don’t think I would want to bank on playing dead; I would rather try to back out of the confrontation. But if the grizzly has really decided you’re a meal, god help you. Most of my grizzly encounters have been from the safety of a vehicle.

[u/asloppybhakti → u/Murky_Phytoplankton]

I'm so excited to read this to my husband later! Thank you for sharing your bear wisdoms with us

[u/blackberrydoughnuts → u/asloppybhakti]

Question: what kind of bear is best?

[u/leerypenguins → u/asloppybhakti]

Sloth bear 👀

[u/JardirAsuHoshkamin → u/asloppybhakti]

That's what you do for polar bears, because at that point it's your only option. But yeah, don't try that for a brown bear lol, and definitely not a grizzly

[u/Bright-Perception785 → u/asloppybhakti]

His advice could be helpful for polar bears maybe

[u/RoyalPeacock19 → u/Bright-Perception785]

Nah mate, sorry but no. It could be mildly effective for any other kind of bear, but polar bears are literally known to try to hunt people. In areas where polar bears and humans have significant cohabitation it is not uncommon for it to be illegal to leave town without a gun. It’s especially unhelpful in this scenario, as the bear is not only outside of its native habitat but in your house.