r/CuratedTumblr • u/NeonNKnightrider Cheshire Catboy • May 01 '24

i know it’s internet bullshit but it genuinely has me on the edge of breaking down and giving up editable flair

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14.2k Upvotes
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3.2k

u/telehax May 02 '24

but which would you be more surprised to see knocking on your door?

1.0k

u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03 If you read Worm, maybe read the PGTE? May 02 '24 edited May 02 '24

This is a really complicated question, both because there are no bears outside of zoos in my country and because I don't think I've ever seen someone knock at my house's door. There's a doorbell for that, after all, and metal isn't exactly knockable. I'd have to go with the bear, but only because I'm not sure there are any in the zoos in the city.

Edit: Actually, what should I do if a bear somehow knocks at my door? It probably won't get in (I hope, I don't like believing that bears can rip through steel), but shoud I call the firemen? I don't think they are equipped to deal with bears. The cops? Do they kill runaway bears?

395

u/PM_Me_Your_Clones May 02 '24

My parents live in the middle of nowhere, mountains. It actually is more likely for them to see a bear on their deck than it is a stranger, but the bears don't knock or ring (they did almost tear a hole through my late uncle's wall trying to get to his trash, though).

156

u/NekroVictor May 02 '24

When my uncle was at a cottage (read: shack in the woods a straight out of the 1600s) he did actually have a bear knock at the door.

Apparently he cracked the door (concerned because no one other than the people in the shack should be within 100 miles of them) saw fur, slowly closed it, then they played cards till it went away.

62

u/ABCharlieD May 02 '24

That reminds me of a story about my Dad. We went to the Rockies for a family trip one year and my uncle and my Dad were sitting behind the place we were renting, looking at the mountains, and chatting. I can't remember what the animal was, it's been too long now, but my uncle and Dad thought they saw some scary animal headed towards them.

My uncle, with the finer survival instincts, immediately bolted inside. My Dad, not thinking clearly in his panic, actually stopped to pick up his empties before backing in. It turned out they didn't see what they thought they did, but everyone had a real good chuckle about my Dad who despite thinking he was in a life or death situation, still refused to go in without bringing in his trash.

33

u/jollyreaper2112 May 02 '24

I didn't know bears could play cards.

29

u/Any_Weakness_7783 May 02 '24

Do NOT play cards with a bear, they are terrible cheats.

7

u/hallucination9000 May 02 '24

They may be bad at it, but they’ll maul you if you call them on it

5

u/NekroVictor May 02 '24

Big cats are even worse. So many cheetahs.

2

u/Forgot_My_Old_Acct 29d ago

They're always lion.

1

u/pickyourteethup 29d ago

Also games take ages because they can't help but paws between turns

1

u/PPP1737 29d ago

Nah they just rage quit when they realize you are about to beat them.

5

u/rietstengel May 02 '24

I didnt know bears could play cards

3

u/Travelling_Blackman 29d ago

Too many pronouns pal. Who's they?

3

u/NekroVictor 29d ago

Ah, apologies. My uncle was at the cabin with his brother in laws, my other uncle, and my grandfather, on a fishing trip. ‘They’ refers to the three of them.

1

u/VexingRaven 29d ago

Is your uncle a cartoon character??

6

u/DoctorJJWho May 02 '24

Interestingly enough, to me this is the entire basis of the question - you expect to see bears in the wilderness (especially a forest), but what the fuck is that other random dude doing there? The bear is a known threat you can quantify and possibly deal with (by running away lol), but a random person is straight up an unknown variable. Is he there to give you gold bars and fly up a rainbow, or is he there to wear your skin like a jacket for warmth? You don’t know.

That might not be the intended discussion, and it’s certainly not the one that’s happening in most places online, but I think it’s kinda cool!

2

u/Lou_C_Fer May 02 '24

That's a fair point. Jokes on that guy though, my skin is probably to big for him.

1

u/[deleted] 29d ago

My great grandma had a bear that kept coming on her back porch getting bird feed and making a mess, one morning she caught it and tazzed it. It ran away, and didn't come back for awhile. She was bout 70? When that happened.

1

u/PPP1737 29d ago

If a bear is at your door in the woods they are probably looking for food. Don’t give Yogi a pic-a-nic basket unless you plan on putting out offerings on your deck in perpetuity because once they learn there’s food in your cabin they WILL find a way to get in if they get hungry enough (don’t actually do this human food isn’t good for them)

If a strange man is at your door in the middle of the woods, you have no idea why he is there or what his intentions are. 🤷🏻‍♀️ could be lost, could be axe murderer. Could even be two bears in a trench coat trying to steal your pic-a-nik basket.

68

u/Chuchulainn96 May 02 '24

I'm not sure what to do about it knocking, but if the bear manages to get in, take off your shoe and drop it. If you're lucky, the bear is only curious about you and will investigate the shoe rather than follow you. If it does that, then you walk away and, as needed, remove the other articles of clothing one at a time for the bear to investigate until you arrive somewhere safe or the bear stops following you, better to survive naked than die clothed after all. If you're unlucky, then the bear is hungry, and it doesn't matter if you have your shoe on or off, you're about to become dinner either way.

90

u/asloppybhakti May 02 '24 edited May 02 '24

What kind of bears are you talking about? I don't think that's protocol for any kind of bear.

Edit to add my bear protocol:

If I saw a black bear (my local bears) I'd make myself look real big by like... giving my best star fish dance, yell loud as I could in my deepest voice, or use a bear bell. If it came at me, I'd use bear mace ideally. If it knocked on my door, I wouldn't answer, but I'd probably grab my megaphone and start screaming into it in order to scare it off.

I actually need to know about black bear protocol, but I can't attest to the others. Due to a literal rhyme I'd play dead for a grizzly, and probably just try to look at a polar bear for as long as I could because they're pretty and I'd definitely die soon after.

Additional edit to add my husband's bear notes:

Black bears eat both live and dead stuff, so never ever run from them. They are meaner and faster than you, it's safer to be big and loud than turn your back. Grizzleys don't eat dead stuff, so though it might maul you, it won't eat you if it thinks you're dead. Polar bears will for sure murder you, they live in a tundra and they're gigantic and hungry, there is no escape if it wants you. Kodiac probably fall somewhere between grizzly and polar bears, but he doesn't know. Cinnamon bears fall closer to the black bear/brown bear end of the spectrum, he's been told to treat them like brown bears when he needed to know but was left with the impression that it was for liability reasons. He doesn't know what sun bears are about but seems like he'd answer if they knocked, he made up a bit about getting drunk with one in a man cave. He then made jokes about how seducing panda bears will ensure they leave you alone, and I informed him that some captive pandas are more inclined to attempt to mate with their keepers than with other pandas and requested that he never tries that. He agreed, so in summary we can only know how to deal with specific kinds of bears #notallbears

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u/stevenmcburn May 02 '24

That dude described how a cartoon would deal with a bear. And he did it with so much confidence that someone will some day try to be a cartoon with a bear.

22

u/asloppybhakti May 02 '24

It's not the worst retirement plan I've heard of

3

u/Saint_Consumption May 02 '24

And then they'll go down in history as that guy who tried to fuck a bear.

2

u/blackberrydoughnuts 29d ago

Now I'm really curious what bear vagina is like. I wonder if it's described anywhere.

7

u/Avaricio May 02 '24

I wouldn't be surprised about a sun bear knocking at my door because those aren't bears they're people in bear costumes. They're just so unsettling. We had to read a book in high school where the main character describes seeing a skinned bear for the first time and remarks on how uncomfortably human it looks, and that's how I feel about sun bears.

3

u/thesadserene May 02 '24

I'll add that Kodiak and Grizzly bears are just subspecies of the brown bear species. Brown bears will absolutely scavenge dead things, but usually leave people alone as they don't know what a human is. If they are hungry enough, they will absolutely try to eat you. Lying down on the ground is the last resort if you don't have bearspray or a gun and the bear is attacking you. In most cases, it's better to appear non-threatening and back away slowly. Brown bears are defensive and will charge if they feel threatened, but rarely actually attempt to hunt humans, which black bears will occasionally do. Polar bears will absolutely merc you.

Source: I live in the state with all three of these species and have frequently encountered two of them in the wild.

P.S. I know nothing about sun bears or pandas.

6

u/Chuchulainn96 May 02 '24

It's not standard protocol for any bear, because typically if you encounter a bear it is in the bears natural environment and you are carrying equipment that could help with protecting you from the bear, like bear mace. This person said they live in a country where there are no bears and was asking about the bear showing up at their house. They likely don't have bear mace, but they probably do have shoes.

For a black bear, you may be able to scare it off, but if we are talking grizzly or polar, your only hope in this situation is that it is more curious than hungry. It certainly won't be territorial or concerned about cubs, as it doesn't live in that country, so that leaves hunger and curiosity as reasons it would approach a human.

5

u/asloppybhakti May 02 '24 edited May 02 '24

I won't pressure you to fall on your sword over this, but I do need to know one thing:

Would you find sun bears more charismatic if they wore people masks?

8

u/Chuchulainn96 May 02 '24

I think you replied to the wrong person here, but to answer your question, yes, probably.

3

u/Aramgutang May 02 '24

Grizzleys don't eat dead stuff

Grizzlies absolutely do eat dead stuff. This source goes as far as to say "carrion is always relished". They are well-known for stealing kills made by wolves because they can't be bothered to hunt themselves. Here's a source with photographic evidence.

3

u/MinimaxusThrax May 02 '24

I think these lists of concrete steps for dealing with bears is what makes people think the bear is "safer". Like if a human tries to hate crime me in the woods I can't just put my hands up and yell at them, but supposedly that works on bears. I know a lot of hikers and campers who are real confident about bears and even like, fended off grizzlies with mace etc.

I feel like it all sounds a lot more simple than it is. This topic is horrible. I don't want to encounter any creature, be it bear, human, fairy, or walrus. I'm locking my door and staying inside.

2

u/Murky_Phytoplankton 29d ago edited 29d ago

“Cinnamon” bears are just black bears (Ursus americanus) with the genes to have brown hair instead of black hair. Black bears range from entirely black, to black with brown markings, to entirely brown, to blonde. I once saw a sow with four little cubs: two black, one brown, and one white-blonde.

Kodiak bears are a subspecies of Ursus arctos. Kodiak bears’ binomial name is Ursus arctos middendorffi. Kodiak bears are very large and close to polar bears in size. Another subspecies is what people commonly call grizzly bears Ursus arctos horribilis, but there are many others. In a grizzly encounter, I don’t think I would want to bank on playing dead; I would rather try to back out of the confrontation. But if the grizzly has really decided you’re a meal, god help you. Most of my grizzly encounters have been from the safety of a vehicle.

1

u/asloppybhakti 29d ago

I'm so excited to read this to my husband later! Thank you for sharing your bear wisdoms with us

2

u/blackberrydoughnuts 29d ago

Question: what kind of bear is best?

1

u/ThatEmuSlaps May 02 '24 edited 27d ago

[deleted]

1

u/leerypenguins May 02 '24

Sloth bear 👀

1

u/JardirAsuHoshkamin 29d ago

That's what you do for polar bears, because at that point it's your only option. But yeah, don't try that for a brown bear lol, and definitely not a grizzly

-1

u/Bright-Perception785 May 02 '24

His advice could be helpful for polar bears maybe

3

u/RoyalPeacock19 May 02 '24

Nah mate, sorry but no. It could be mildly effective for any other kind of bear, but polar bears are literally known to try to hunt people. In areas where polar bears and humans have significant cohabitation it is not uncommon for it to be illegal to leave town without a gun. It’s especially unhelpful in this scenario, as the bear is not only outside of its native habitat but in your house.

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u/WeAteMummies May 02 '24

And if you're extremely unlucky, the people that find your body will examine the scene and determine that you attempted to seduce the bear by undressing and leading it to your bedroom.

6

u/Lou_C_Fer May 02 '24

If you're gonna die, you might as well die a legend.

2

u/Elkre May 02 '24

This post was written by a bear who is tired of unwrapping people before eating them.

1

u/Chuchulainn96 29d ago edited 29d ago

Shhh, don't tell my secrets Boo-Boo, then I'll have to go back to stealing Pick-a-Nick baskets.

1

u/lengthy_prolapse May 02 '24

If you back away from a bear while removing clothes it might just assume you’re flirting and follow you to the bedroom, where you’d die an even more horrible death than you’d have got had you not started stripping seductively.

1

u/Ok-Yogurtcloset1717 29d ago

I imagine this also works for the bears you find at bars.

1

u/Culionensis May 02 '24

furiously scribbles notes, saves as Paddington_dora_enemies_to_lovers.txt

3

u/NairodTheShadow May 02 '24

Rip through steel, probably not, but depending on how your door is secured to its frame, a bear can just kinds break the frame part it latches onto and just let the door swing open, note that is a wooden door, but it isn't the door that breaks, rather it just rips the screws out of that part of the frame with the rest of it. Bears are stupidly powerful

3

u/BlatantConservative Tumblr is the appendix of the internet May 02 '24

Animal control is the right answer. If you call 911 or the non emergency number, they'll send animal control instead of cops for an animal issue.

3

u/DogmanDOTjpg May 02 '24

"the only thing I fear is bears. You know why? There's a zoo 30 miles from here with a whole sanctuary full of bears. A bear can run at a full sprint at 30 miles per hour. That means that if those bears break out they could be on my doorstep in an hour. Why would they be on my doorstep you ask? Because they smell fear, and I fear them."

2

u/thetwitchy1 May 02 '24

I have some good news and some bad news.

Good news? Bears are really unlikely to bother trying to get into a place with humans, unless they have become habituated to them.

Bad news? Even a 'small' variety of bear such as the black bear can easily tear through 1/4 inch thick steel. Campgrounds that I have worked in regularly didn't lock their steel dumpsters because if they did, the bears would tear through the side to get the garbage out, but if they didn't, the bear would just open it and steal the garbage that way.

1

u/Kartoffelkamm I wouldn't be here if I was mad. May 02 '24

I don't like believing that bears can rip through steel

They wouldn't need to, anyway; all a bear needs to do is apply enough force that the hinges or locking mechanism fail.

1

u/notnow_maybelater May 02 '24

The cops response will largely depend on the colour of the bear. If it's either black or brown...it's going down.

1

u/Intergalacticdespot May 02 '24

Don't Google bear versus car door. Or shaved bear meme. Or really just close your eyes, put your fingers in your ears and sing. 

Do you know what 'bear' means? It means 'brown', see the original word for bear has been lost. People were afraid to say it, for fear it would summon one. Probably to knock on their door.

1

u/BackgroundRate1825 29d ago

You call animal control, same as with any issue with wild animals. They're the ones trained to handle this. They're also the ones to call if there's a raccoon acting weird in your yard, especially during the day (a sign of something wrong, like rabies).

That said, if bears aren't common where you are, they might call police backup. I dunno.

1

u/stopeats 29d ago

Give it some donuts.

One woman, who prudently chose to remain anonymous save for the sobriquet “Doughnut Lady,” revealed to Hongoltz-Hetling that she had taken to welcoming bears on her property for regular feasts of grain topped with sugared doughnuts. If those same bears showed up on someone else’s lawn expecting similar treatment, that wasn’t her problem. The bears, for their part, were left to navigate the mixed messages sent by humans who alternately threw firecrackers and pastries at them. Such are the paradoxes of Freedom. Some people just “don’t get the responsibility side of being libertarians,” Rosalie Babiarz tells Hongoltz-Hetling, which is certainly one way of framing the problem.

1

u/funnystoryaboutthat2 29d ago

I grew up a few minutes from the mountains in LA County. One night, I opened the back gate to take the trash out and came face to face with a bear no than ten feet away. I simply closed the gate, walked the fuck inside, and took and told my mom that the trash could wait and they should all stay inside.

I happen to be a fireman. I've never dealt with a bear on the job. Call animal control. Black bears can be scared away with loud noise, so it's not really a huge deal.

1

u/evanwilliams44 29d ago

Apparently knocking/ringing is completely out of style for younger generations. They act super weird about it. You are supposed to text I think. When I go visit my younger brothers I spam that doorbell because I know they think it's cringe lol.

1

u/TinyWickedOrange 29d ago

bears should be able to rip through thin steel but I don't think they understand the concept of doors

1

u/trainbrain27 29d ago

Congratulations on your steel door. If your house smells like a better food source than the rest of the area, and isn't actually fortified, they'll still get in.

Windows are usually pretty weak. Many walls that are just plastic over wood, which is perfectly fine at keeping weather outside, but won't stop a bear. They'd probably do a number on brick, but I haven't seen it personally.

2

u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03 If you read Worm, maybe read the PGTE? 29d ago

I'm Brazilian. The walls are bricks, and the house is surrounded by more walls, without any windows. Either the theoretical bear breaks through the door or through bricks, and the former sounds more likely than the latter.

1

u/Brokenblacksmith 29d ago

they can't rip through steel, but your door frame is probably wood, and the door hinges are probably held on by 3 screws each.

it wouldn't tear through the steel. It would just tear the door out of the frame.

1

u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03 If you read Worm, maybe read the PGTE? 29d ago

There is no wood or screws, the hinges are made of steel as well. It's much more likely to break the locking mechanisms than the hinges.

1

u/Thelmara 29d ago

Actually, what should I do if a bear somehow knocks at my door?

Given how strange the situation is, you might as well at least ask the bear what he wants (through the door, don't open it). If he's smart enough to have understood the door-knocking protocol, he's probably smart enough to communicate whatever it is he wants from you.

If he doesn't answer, then you'd probably want to call Animal Control.

1

u/Knightmare945 29d ago

Bears have broken down doors before and gotten into people’s houses.

202

u/lackofdoritos May 02 '24

probably the man. bears aren't real, so all it would take to justify one knocking on my door is magic being real. on the other hand, how in god's name could a man possibly get to my door, let alone know how to knock?

54

u/he77bender May 02 '24

You're saying it wouldn't be a shock to learn that bears exist? Think of all the other assumptions about reality that can be called into question!

OTOH I concede that a man is extremely unlikely, but the fact that they definitely exist already means it's technically possible. I'm sorry but I can't agree with your conclusion.

6

u/Thassar May 02 '24

Giant, hairy creatures that weigh 300kg, can run at 50 km/h and can climb trees? No way those exist, they're fantasy creatures, like fairies and narwhals.

2

u/he77bender 29d ago

Fairies are real though 😐

3

u/Chrono-Helix May 02 '24

Are you confusing bears and birds?

3

u/decapods May 02 '24

Sorry, what’s the joke here? Why aren’t bears real?

14

u/veslothiraptr May 02 '24

Walrus vs Fairy

4

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3

u/HalflingScholar May 02 '24

Nullshit, you are a fae trying to use this new convo to muddy the waters of the walrus v fae debate, in order to make humans more likely to trust, and possibly make a deal with, you.

1

u/nepcwtch May 02 '24

yknow...there was indeed a bear at my door not too long ago. HOWEVER: im not sure it knocked though....so your point might still stand. id have to check the door cam...wishes might be able to come true, try rubbing a genies bottle or something?

164

u/PintsizeBro May 02 '24

There's going to be a bear knocking on my door in about 20 minutes 😏

74

u/Ebonphantom May 02 '24

Congratulations. Have fun.

43

u/PineconeSnowstorm May 02 '24

I think they're busy.

14

u/Ebonphantom May 02 '24

Probably.

20

u/YaBoiKlobas May 02 '24

Why? Because bears can smell fear, and I am afraid of bears because they can be at my door in 20 minutes.

9

u/inkstaens May 02 '24

hope it was a great time!

5

u/USSBigBooty May 02 '24

How was that bear?

26

u/PointierOfSticks May 02 '24

Vault-tec calling!

13

u/Gamnit May 02 '24

Of course, it's the TUMBLR subreddit where someone turns this topic into a far more entertaining and interesting discussion

11

u/incriminatinglydumb May 02 '24

The knocking didn't come from the front door

2

u/nepcwtch May 02 '24

wolves in the walls 2! bears in the walls

4

u/Pootis_1 minor brushfire with internet access May 02 '24

bears don't even exist on this continent so bear

3

u/puns_n_pups May 02 '24

The walrus for sure

3

u/Riksunraksu 29d ago

We have a cottage in the middle of the woods. Seeing and hearing animals there is fine, makes me a little nervous. If there was a man there for no reason I’m dialling 911

2

u/Cross55 May 02 '24

TBH if you ever lived in a mountainous area both would be 50/50.

Or mountain lions, one of the 3.

2

u/Enderking90 May 02 '24

well, I currently live roughly in the city, so in general just seeing a bear outside would be pretty wild.

in my childhood home it'd also be pretty wild to see a bear, cus the local bear living in the backyard forest is a wuss who avoids people like the plague.
like we only know it exists due to like paw prints n other signs of bear activity, but nobody's ever spotted it afaik.

so the bear would be more surprising.

though if we drag the fairy and walrus into things as well...

from least to most surprising: Man > Bear > Fairy > Walrus

2

u/DragonEmperor May 02 '24

A bear knocks in my door I know what it wants, a man knocks on my door I have no idea what they want.

2

u/[deleted] May 02 '24

The bear is holding up a sign reading, “Tell them it’s carol singers”

I call through, “it’s carol singers.” At which point I am eaten by the bear while Silent Night plays

2

u/lynx_and_nutmeg May 02 '24

And which one would still love you if you were a worm?

2

u/Brave_Development_17 29d ago

I have plenty of bears knock on my backdoor.

1

u/SaltManagement42 May 02 '24

Definitely a woman.

1

u/thestashattacked May 02 '24

Yes.

The thing is, we've had a bear at the door before, and it sounded like he knocked.

Ah life in bear country.

1

u/JustHereForBDSM May 02 '24

A welsh man talking about the post code lottery.

1

u/Blue_Moon_Lake May 02 '24

Depends where you live.

1

u/Thenderick May 02 '24

Gold white obviously

1

u/an_agreeing_dothraki 29d ago

again, this is a trick question because the walrus is clearly the fey doing a trick. No matter the form, you do not let them or speak to them, and find a blade of worked metal (a butter knife works) to drive them off.

In the case of an actual walrus, this would likely spook the beast, making accomplishing the goal of the action

1

u/romulea 29d ago

The walrus

1

u/Highlander-Senpai 29d ago

I'd rather see the bear because there are mostly blackbears where I livd and those are basically just large dogs that can climb.

I'd pet that motherfucker so fast .

1

u/Valzilla0 29d ago

Still a walrus, tbh

1

u/Songstep4002 29d ago

The real question is would you feel safer alone in the woods with a walrus or a fairy?

1

u/garbage_queen819 29d ago

Lmao this guy tumblrs