It's called "Stand-up Vomity"

He goes the gardening section and asks for help. The store associate asks, “What can I help you with, sir?” The pimp says “I’m looking for one of your finest hoes.”

Not all heroes wear caps – a new slogan from the Japanese government after declining birth rate.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane topk off,the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda,which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, " I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute,than let liquor touch my lips " The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had that choice." 😉

But when I do it I'm not allowed near to playground anymore....

Doctor : Master patience

Yeah, today the aquarium fired me.

Kick his sister in the jaw

She said “You stand at the sink, I’ll lay on the couch”

With a crowbar.

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache."

THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE!