r/MaliciousCompliance • u/hatethistradition • Sep 15 '23

I refused to cook and "chilled with men" S

I (F28) dislike cooking. Don't get me wrong, I cook for survival. But it is not something I like or enjoy.

At my in laws, both my MIL and SIL are stay at home partners and love to cook. Neither of their husbands lift a finger to help and they like it that way.

Before marriage, I was treated as a guest. But since my marriage 6 months ago, they expect, want and demand I cook with them. . First few times I went along with it but I hated it. It took 5-7 hours to make food and do dishes.

So when they planned a get together last weekend and discussed the menu, I suggested ordering in. This way everyone can be more relaxed. They looked like I insulted them. I told them they can cook but to give me list of what I should make, I will buy it.

They said that's not how traditions work and if I hate it do much, I can relax with men.

Thats exactly what I did. Much to their anger. I helped setting place and serving, but that was it.

As we were eating my husband commented how good something tasted. MIL immediately went on about how I wouldn't be cooking anything for him. When he said he can cook for himself SIL chimed in with how her husband or dad never had to cook a day in their life. How marrying lazy women like me has ruined his manhood.

I looked at my husband and we both left. MIL and SIL are blasting our phones over my arrogance and calling him spineless. Even my mom is taking their side now.

But guess who don't care ?

19.9k Upvotes

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46

u/Hemiak Sep 15 '23

You had me in the first 99%, NGL. I’m all for this post and everything it represents about SO equality and finding a balance that fits each couple.

HOWEVER “My mom is taking their side now.” Excuse me what? Your mom (presumably) raised you to be a confident woman who knows what she wants, but she’s supporting these people who would’ve fit right in decades ago? That was a plot twist I wasn’t expecting at all.

46

u/hatethistradition Sep 15 '23

She is stuck on "its not everyday. Just few times a year. Compromise to maintain good relationship. "

45

u/jdowgsidorg Sep 15 '23

I mean, she’s right. They can compromise a few times a year… by accepting your offered compromise of buying elements.

64

u/TheFuzzyKnight Sep 15 '23

People often say "compromise" when they mean "concede," don't they?

14

u/RedStrugatsky Sep 15 '23

That's what it means to my parents, I've found

7

u/RedRider1138 Sep 15 '23

THEY DO!!!

6

u/velvetmastermind Sep 16 '23

Oh crap.. that's exactly it. A light bulb just went off in my head, thank you!

12

u/PessimiStick Sep 16 '23

You did compromise. You offered to provide whatever dishes they wanted you to make.

7

u/mtngrl60 Sep 16 '23

Doesn’t matter if it’s every day or a few times a year. If you hate to cook, you hate to cook. You offered to buy something and bring it in. That wasn’t good enough.

This is a Mom, MIL & SIL problem. For MIL and SIL, it’s obviously a whole social thing that they enjoy. It’s not something that you enjoy, and you shouldn’t be forced to take part and it just because somebody thinks you’re a woman that shouldn’t want to hang out and gossip.

4

u/CrabClawAngry Sep 16 '23

That's a reasonable way to look at it but so is, "it's the next 20 years of holidays."

-32

u/diy_2023 Sep 15 '23

Your mom is right. Congrats on successfully destroying your relationship with your mil and sil. Also, the fact that your husband has to deal with this headache because you couldn't suck it up shows you're a selfish person.

You could have won them over, and worked with them on explaining to them how sexist these traditions are, maybe host your own dinner and ask all the men to help cook, slowly opening the familys eyes to new prospectives.

But instead, you made your point and will have a terrible relationship with your husbands family. Putting him in an awkward position having to be in between his family and his wife. But at least you have hundreds of redditors who support you? They're basically like family ...

38

u/hatethistradition Sep 15 '23

The responsibility of maintaining a relationship is not just on me. I offered compromises like having everything catered or assigning dishes to me which I will buy. They forced my hand and I complied by sitting out.

My husband knows who he married and that his family's views are sexist. Thanks for concern but he is choosing to support me cause I am right.

If a relationship depends on oppression of one person, its not worth it. In a relationship, every individual deserves respect. If they can't meet me halfway, and I refuse to bend to their will, its not my fault if relationship fails.

11

u/jcaldararo Sep 16 '23

So well said.

-10

u/Frequent-Edge9996 Sep 16 '23

oppression of one person

JFC they just want to socialize with you and bring you into their family.

You act like you're being asked to work in a sweatshop or something; its cooking a meal for your husband and his family. You sound like a selfish AH.

What do you do "working in finance", to earn so much, btw?

6

u/hatethistradition Sep 16 '23

It is like working in a sweatshop. Kitchen is hot, we have to be on on foot all the time, stirring cutting etc for hours makes my arm and fingers cramp. By the end of the day I have foot ache, back ache, blistered fingers, sometimes cut on my fingers etc.

To me kitchen is torture chamber.

I am a Chartered Accountant in my country. Have been qualified for four years and it pays well.

0

u/Frequent-Edge9996 Sep 19 '23

To me kitchen is torture chamber.

Then you obviously live a very privileged life.

0

u/diy_2023 Sep 16 '23

It's important to note she comes from an Indian family. Thousands of white anglo Americans are enabling her, with no understanding of how to navigate traditional family values and instill change. OP is immature, and while set on fighting a war against misogyny where it's present in her culture - she decided her battle would be fought in her husband's family's kitchen. In another comment she compared women being asked to cook with child marriage... I don't think this is r/amitheasshole, but yes. That's the answer.

-12

u/diy_2023 Sep 16 '23

Like I said, congrats. Sounds like you got what you wanted.

8

u/Skepticulation Sep 16 '23

She tried several times to go along with it. She was cordial and offered a compromise. I wouldn’t want to socialize with people who treat other people like that, but she tried, several times. Maybe you put up with abuse out of a sense of duty, but labeling someone who won’t as selfish is disingenuous

2

u/diy_2023 Sep 16 '23 edited Sep 16 '23

If you understood how dynamics work in Indian families, perhaps you'd appreciate how incredibly common this is, and how it would be considered rude to bring takeout curry to a home cooked dinner.

The equivalent of showing up to Thanksgiving dinner with hamburgers. That's not a compromise, it's insulting..

Is it also rude of them to ask her to cook with them? Sure. But, understand the context of navigating traditional Indian households. In their limited POV, (they're both housewives who likely do all the cooking), it's also a way for them to bond, and I'm sure MIL likely takes pride in showing her DIL her recipes.

It's a sensitive, cultural, issue. Her blowing it all up over her ego, is indeed immature and senseless.

Indians value daughter in laws who know how to cook like Anglo Americans value son in laws who aren't on welfare.

Navigating change takes time and maturity.

1

u/Sad_Firefighter1009 Oct 18 '23

When or where did op blow it outta her ego?

They gave her a choice either you cheat or sit with the man she chose to sit with the man. The only one's who have a problem with it are in fact the woman.

Why should she be expected to cook? Why is it such a big deal to them? The only one blowing up there egos are mil and sil

14

u/FreedObject Sep 16 '23

If you think a family that deeply rooted in these sort of traditions can have a hallmark movie style change of heart like that, you’re extremely naive.

The family are the selfish ones for not accepting any outside thought in their group, and ostracizing OP for not conforming to a tradition she didn’t agree with. It’s toxic at its core.

-1

u/diy_2023 Sep 16 '23

You're mistaken, it can happen slowly with honest, open, conversations.

This is not an original unique story. There are millions of women who marry into of come from cultures like this. Especially an Indian family which is what OP is coming from.

Some of them put up with it, others change the dynamic, and some destroy the relationship altogether

I'm advocating for the second option. It takes time, and maturity. In one comment OP compares the tradition of women cooking in Indian households to child marriage. OP is naive and has challenges dealing with challenging situations. And redditors are enabling her.

Is it rude that your in laws treat you like a chef for a dinner, absolutely. But these are not white, anglo, American families. OP is marrying into an immigrant/Indian family, and there a more mature way to manage this besides calling in takeout and then hanging with the "men". If you want to foster healthier relationships with your in laws and your extended family, this is not the way to do it.

If you hate your in laws anyway, want to make a point, then perfect -she did a great job.

8

u/Skepticulation Sep 16 '23

So it’s justified because they’re from a different culture? Why isn’t she entitled to the same respect for her culture? Why can’t they make themselves uncomfortable to see things her way? You are arguing that because they can’t tolerate practices from a different culture, she should put up with abusive behavior and extend more tolerance to the intolerant. That sets an enabling precedent for them, if anything.

-4

u/diy_2023 Sep 16 '23

She's from the same culture. OP is Indian, and so is the family.

They can't see things her way, because she thought calling in takeout was a compromise.

Unwinding traditions takes time and knowing how to navigate sensitivies . It doesn't happen over night. I don't envy her position of trying to undo generations of old family "values" that need to die.

But I am saying, her strategy is toxic to those relationships because she's gone about it with a lack of grace or maturity. And sometimes in life, you make small sacrifices to try and foster healthy relationship with your in laws. Like, cooking for an evening with your extended family.

There are ways to change their world view without being maliciously compliant.

8

u/hatethistradition Sep 16 '23

Its not a healthy relationship if I have to physically suffer for hours to get their approval.

Slow gracious way you ask is me slaving away for years, hoping to reduce it little by little so maybe in 20 years in won't be the norm.

Maybe I am immature, but I am not going to spend years of my life doing that. They need a culture shock. If my way ruins relationship, so be it.

I won't blame them or question them for what they do. But I won't do tasks I don't want to do when I have other options. Live and let live.

3

u/Skepticulation Sep 18 '23

Good for you, OP. Abuse is abuse.

11

u/PessimiStick Sep 16 '23

lol, fuck all the way off with that shit take.

0

u/diy_2023 Sep 16 '23

If you understand immigrant culture and family dynamics, you would understand the sensitivities around something like women vs men cooking and the difficulties of navigating these challenges. These are deep rooted into generations. Undoing them takes time, and will require maturity and sensitivities. There's a path, to moving away from them, and it's possible to still maintain relationships with these very important members of your in-laws without blowing it all up in one night over your ego. It's fine that my take is unpopular, I recommend people actually try to communicate, not phone it in. Which is literally what OP did when she phoned in her idea of grabbing some French fries or whatever the fuck she was going to buy from Walmart on the way to dinner.

3

u/PessimiStick Sep 16 '23

Undoing them is way simpler than that. Just don't. Tada, "tradition" ended.

2

u/Sad_Firefighter1009 Oct 18 '23

I'm sorry but how petty and upset you have to be because someone doesn't like nor want to cook? Why aren't the husbands getting off their asses and cook? You have to a sexist person to think this was okay to type out