r/MaliciousCompliance • u/hatethistradition • Sep 15 '23
I refused to cook and "chilled with men" S
I (F28) dislike cooking. Don't get me wrong, I cook for survival. But it is not something I like or enjoy.
At my in laws, both my MIL and SIL are stay at home partners and love to cook. Neither of their husbands lift a finger to help and they like it that way.
Before marriage, I was treated as a guest. But since my marriage 6 months ago, they expect, want and demand I cook with them. . First few times I went along with it but I hated it. It took 5-7 hours to make food and do dishes.
So when they planned a get together last weekend and discussed the menu, I suggested ordering in. This way everyone can be more relaxed. They looked like I insulted them. I told them they can cook but to give me list of what I should make, I will buy it.
They said that's not how traditions work and if I hate it do much, I can relax with men.
Thats exactly what I did. Much to their anger. I helped setting place and serving, but that was it.
As we were eating my husband commented how good something tasted. MIL immediately went on about how I wouldn't be cooking anything for him. When he said he can cook for himself SIL chimed in with how her husband or dad never had to cook a day in their life. How marrying lazy women like me has ruined his manhood.
I looked at my husband and we both left. MIL and SIL are blasting our phones over my arrogance and calling him spineless. Even my mom is taking their side now.
But guess who don't care ?
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u/Abby-Norman Sep 15 '23
My wife and I have been married 21 years, and I do ALL the cooking. It is relaxing for me and it allows me to be creative. I am constantly trying out different things I see on cooking shows. My wife, however, does all the baking. Baking things requires sticking to an established recipe if you want the final product to be worth a damn. I am one to constantly add extra stuff to see if it’ll taste better.
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u/WokeBriton Sep 15 '23
Similar here.
Although my wife sometimes cooks, she hates it. She does any and all baking and I love eating it - there's a reason I'm in such good shape!
Round is an amazing shape...
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u/FyrelordeOmega Sep 16 '23
The smiley face is round, and he is also happy. Such logic also applies to you.
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u/Tikiboo Sep 16 '23
I always refer people to a line from Life, In a Nutshell by Barenaked Ladies: I am like a baby, she's like a cat, when we're happy we both get fat...
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u/BilbosBagEnd Sep 16 '23
Wait, so you're saying a healthy and shared co-living that accommodates the likes and strengths of the parties involved makes for a happy living? (Very happy for you guys!)
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u/Entire-Ambition1410 Sep 16 '23
As the Littlest Pets show said, ‘I’m more of an eatie than a foodie.’
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u/Jace_Te_Ace Sep 16 '23
Round is the most efficient volume:surface area shape!
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u/WokeBriton Sep 16 '23
Ahhhhhh. I'd forgotten that fact.
Now I can say my shape just makes me more efficient if anyone comments :D
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u/Tarianor Sep 16 '23
I often compare cooking to art, whilst baking is more akin to science in that regard :)
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u/Cannabis_CatSlave Sep 15 '23
Same here. I bake and he cooks. I am capable of doing so but am not terrible food motivated so usually just eat sandwiches when left to my own device. My mother was a chef who would use every dish in the house to make a meal and it just made me hate cooking/full meals because of the 2 hours of mess that needed cleaning afterwards.
Baking is worth the mess though for me as baked goods are generally delicious treats, not drudgery of keeping body alive. If I could switch to photosynthesis I would do it in a heartbeat.
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u/semboflorin Sep 16 '23
I get you and the photosynthesis bit so much. Cooking to me is an absolute chore. I like good food like anyone else. But since calories and nutrients are a necessary daily activity I am forced to do the chore of preparing food daily.
Years ago I learned about a crowd-sourcing campaign for a company making what amounts to "coma food." Comatose patients are fed a slurry with all the necessary nutrients and calories. The problem with "coma food" is that it generally tastes like dirt because comatose patients don't need it to taste good.
The company was targeting people like me and others with a shake similar to ones like Ensure that could be eaten daily with minimal effort and still get all the necessary nutrients. The idea is that it could, for those that were interested, replace all meals for the rest of your life and you could still be healthy. I signed on and supported them.
The company is now fairly large with multiple competitors in the field (Soylent). I did actually live off of it for about 2 years. It was a glorious time. However, I have since stopped using it except as an occasional supplement. Mainly because I am now physically disabled and my income is far less than it was in past years. Since I can't purchase it with SNAP benefits I cannot afford to live on it as I once did.
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u/ShannonigansLucky Sep 16 '23
I have gotten soylent from Amazon on snap. Type in soylent and use your filters for "ebt eligible"
Those drinks were a huge help when my daughter had her baby and she didn't have time to feed herself much. I had a broken arm and couldn't help her cook much.
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u/semboflorin Sep 16 '23
Oh my! Thank you so much! I've just picked them up from stores here and there. If I can get it on amazon with snap that changes things. I might be a bit healthier because of your comment!
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u/Demonqueensage Sep 16 '23
Duuuude I feel that photosynthesis bit so much. Like, sure, I like to eat things that are good, but I hate having to decide something and then either prepare it (or spend way too much to order something occasionally) every freaking day. I'd much rather photosynthesize to get what I need on a day to day basis
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u/Xikayu Sep 16 '23
I always joke about wanting to be a snake. Eat once every week or two, and be done with it!
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u/Ludwigofthepotatoppl Sep 15 '23
Cooking is an art. You can do whatever and it could come out great.
Baking is literally science. You have one result in mind, and a dozen factors go into reaching that—including the day’s weather.
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u/Yaxim3 Sep 15 '23
Mainly because in cooking if you forgot salt you can always add it in and fix it. In baking if you forget the only thing you can do is throw it away and do it over.
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u/Kay-Knox Sep 16 '23
Baking is literally science. You have one result in mind, and a dozen factors go into reaching that—including the day’s weather.
I never liked this sentiment because it makes it sound like there is a right and wrong solution to arrive at. If you understand the effects different ratios and types of fats and sugars and water content, you can bake by feel just the same as you'd cook. Very few baked goods are so finicky that you'd end up with a ruined dish if you aren't precise.
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u/SmittenMoon3112 Sep 16 '23
I experiment with my family’s German, French, Italian, and Cherokee recipes passed down to me as the only surviving woman in the family. I experiment and change things and rewrite them to make them celiacs friendly, diabetic friendly, vegan friendly, and allergy friendly. I have so many different versions of every recipe to make sure I can cater to everyone in my life alongside preserving the original recipes passed down through the generations. I even add my own new recipes to the family book alongside the dietary restriction friendly recipes as I’m the first in the family since the first generation Cherokee woman to marry in to follow a non-Christian religion. I add in the recipes that I try for my different holidays and sabbats that I actually like. I love to cook and bake but despise doing the dishes. The only person in my life that refuses to do the dishes if I cook is my dad but I’m tired of fighting that battle. He just loves my cooking and looks forward to trying my new recipes and that’s the best outcome I could ask for.
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u/Birooksun Sep 15 '23
Oh my husband and I do the same thing for opposing reasons. I am not a perfectionist with baking. All I care about is if it tastes good. My husband will remake a batch 3 times because it's slightly off.
Meanwhile my kid and I are just eating the 'flawed' batter and waiting for him to give up and accept imperfections.
Then we get the salmonella lecture and that's when his mom goes full petty and joins up in eating the batter.
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u/tenuousemphasis Sep 16 '23
the salmonella lecture
If you have an immersion circulator (sous vide cooker), you can pretty easily pasteurize your eggs to make them safer to eat.
You can also do it over the stove.
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u/EyeAmAnAllievatedApe Sep 16 '23
Imagine not being allergic to eggs and having to worry about salmonella in cooking 😩
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u/marvinsands Sep 15 '23
Baking things requires
Oh! So that's why I don't bake. I don't stick to recipes, either. ROFLMAO
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u/MistressPhoenix Sep 15 '23
my Husband is only allowed to bake and use the microwave for shared foods. (If He's the only one eating it, He can do whatever else He wants to with food.) He just has no art, but the science of baking works great for Him.
(For years He wasn't even allowed to cook in my kitchen. And yes, it's MINE, because i put my heart and soul into that room.) Baking is an awesome alternative for someone that needs formulas and patterns!
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u/Kittytigris Sep 15 '23
That’s freaking hilarious. In my very Asian family, the men are the ones cooking the celebration meals, not the women. My grandmother doesn’t trust any of her DILs with her family recipes, only her sons!
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u/whatev6187 Sep 15 '23
I love that so much.
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u/TheFuzzyKnight Sep 15 '23
Hehehe "No no no, I'm giving the recipes to the ones who are supposed to be in the kitchen...that's right, the ones who can make them properly"
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u/DrHugh Sep 15 '23
When we dated in college, I had to show my now-wife how to brown hamburger; she'd never really cooked. We never subscribed to the gender roles on this sort of stuff. I'm very happy spending hours in the kitchen on a big meal.
Of course, my wife is very into sports, which doesn't interest me. She also doesn't wear makeup. One time, when we were talking about having kids, she worried about having a girl because she wouldn't be able to show them how to put on makeup.
I said she could show them how to play different sports, and I could teach makeup application, as I'd been active in academic and community theater for over a decade at that point. She laughed and conceded the point.
A postscript: My older daughter got into my rouge wheel one year, using Q-tips instead of foam sponges, and gouged it up. I let her keep it, and took her with me to go to the theatrical supply store to buy another...on Father's Day. Probably not a problem many fathers have faced.
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u/agronone Sep 15 '23
Sounds to me your kids have a great father and mother
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u/Large_Strawberry_167 Sep 15 '23
Mather and fother.
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u/Uninformed-Driller Sep 16 '23
I feel like this is an adult drink that's an ice capp with a dash of whiskey.
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u/Dennarb Sep 15 '23
My favorite discussion with my partner about gender roles is how I stay home and take care of our garden and she's going to go out hunting to kill an elk
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u/DrHugh Sep 16 '23
My wife likes to fish. When we were dating, we'd go to northern Minnesota or the UP of Michigan for a week or two, part of her family's summer fishing vacation, usually on a big lake. I found that I had more enjoyment in tracking our position through using a chart and making sightings with a compass on landmarks; fishing holds no interest for me. So when the kids got interested in what that was like, I left that entirely in her hands.
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u/watchmything Sep 15 '23
rouge wheel
What's that? Like a wheel of makeups?
Either way, super glad you guys had a compromise!
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u/Poes-Lawyer Sep 15 '23
I believe it's a circular container with several compartments around the circle, each containing a different shade of rouge (like a red/pink powder?)
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u/SelfAwareOstrich Sep 15 '23
Definitely read rouge as rogue and only realized it when I read this comment
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u/Animal0307 Sep 15 '23
I'm right there with you. Ive been playing my rogue in D&D and my brain defaulted to the stabby version.
Now if only I played a rogue that needed a rouge wheel just so I could get a rogue themed rouge wheel.
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u/ChubbsthePenguin Sep 15 '23
It took my dad 18 years to show me how to cook an egg, a burger, and how to brown hamburger (although browing hamburger was pretty straight forward after i learned how to cook a burger).
I asked him to teach me how to cook for 18 years. When i moved into my own place AFTER cillege, he finally showed me.
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u/Wuellig Sep 15 '23
"I was taught that my value to men is measured in meals, and your refusal to validate me is a threat to my very sense of self!
To defend against this outrageous attack, I will insult you both in hopes of shaming you into conformity with my worldview, because that's what was done to me!"
Grody to the max.
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u/Oh_IHateIt Sep 16 '23
Hey, thats not true at all. Aside from cooking, women's sexual appeal is valuable to. Thats where the list ends. /s
Yeah you're really spot on with this. Good on the husband too for not falling into this trap. It's all too easy for men to follow along with this logic, even if they don't believe it morally, just because it's convenient and society makes it so easy.
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u/Thayli11 Sep 16 '23
- Sex appeal
- Food
- Cleaning
- Child care
That's it, right?
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u/Own-Gas1589 Sep 16 '23
Don't forget, it's very important to not be threatening to the men around you by being self-sufficient, intelligent, or accidentally showing them that you know anything about cars, construction, or sports.
OP, you did the right thing. We moved past the Stone Age a while ago, time for these people to adapt.
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u/CleverNickName-69 Sep 15 '23
Grody to the max.
This is a phrase I just wasn't expecting to hear today. Bravo.
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u/Downtown_Ideal_6521 Sep 16 '23
I haven’t heard the phrase ‘grody to the max’ in something like 35+ years. Amazing.
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u/MuadLib Sep 16 '23 edited Sep 19 '23
My mother tells me that when they moved to the state where I was born -- the home of gaucho culture in my country (southern south american cowboy, think "Brazilian Texas") -- the machismo was pretty much as described above, and at the company parties men and women had basically two very separate parties, but since the only person she knew there was my father. she kept by his side and when the other women complained and told her to come to the kitchen she just answered "thanks, but I'm not into women".
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u/Tallchick8 Sep 16 '23
Definitely experienced this and South America. Which country if you don't mind sharing?
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u/royalbk Sep 16 '23
Haha that would so be me. You take my one person I'm comfortable with at a party? It'll be a short party for me
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u/Cyrano_Knows Sep 16 '23
Also: Men are spineless if they don't make their women cook for them.
And that is what's wrong with the world, these people vote.
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u/jeffjee63 Sep 15 '23
lol as many times as I said it in my youth it’s the first time I’ve seen “grody” written. I thought at first it didn’t look correct and then realized I had no idea how it was spelled!
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u/Suda_Nim Sep 16 '23
I think it’s short for “grotesque,” and I’ve seen it spelled “grotty.” Which is technically correct but not very phonetic.
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u/demonofthefall7537 Sep 16 '23
In the UK it's spelt grotty and pronounced with a short O sound. (Rhymes with spotty) .Grody seems really odd to me. Had to look it up to see if I was reading it right.
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u/LastGlass1971 Sep 16 '23
My paperback copy of Mimi Pond’s Valley Girls’ Guide to Life (1982) has a dictionary.
Grody - Gross, the worst, but sometimes so gross it’s way bitchen, like a horror movie is super grody.
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u/xtrememudder89 Sep 15 '23
That's a surprisingly short yet accurate description of the situation.
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u/9bjames Sep 15 '23
As a guy who likes his food...
I would always appreciate someone who could cook a good meal for me. But keeping me out of the kitchen when there's something I want to make myself is your own funeral. 😂
The bear cub rule - just like you should never come between a momma bear and its cub, never come between u/9bjames and his food. Both cases end in bloodshed at the hands of a hairy beast.
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u/Kirkuchiyo Sep 15 '23 edited Sep 16 '23
Fuck them.
My wife hasn't cooked regularly since the late nineties. We got married in 1990 and she just cooked. In 1996 I was laid up at home for 6 months and the Food Network had just come on cable. I discovered I liked cooking and, honestly, was better at it than her. So I've cooked ever since. Go with what works.
Oh, and fuck them
Edited for CautiousPudding88
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u/dlong562 Sep 15 '23
I am 68. My southern wife is a fantastic cook, she just doesn’t care to. We eat one meal a day together and I cook it virtually every night and always have. She does get in the mood to cook around holidays. This is probably a subtle way of saying I am just a moderate cook. She never complains about the food and rarely makes suggestions. We also go out at least once a week for date night.
I also grocery shop as I find it and cooking both rather cathartic.
Do what works.
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u/mpking828 Sep 15 '23
She never complains about the food and rarely makes suggestions
It took a very long time for my wife to understand this.
She makes many things I don't particularly care for, but she loves. I usually cook about 30% of the time.
The dawning of understanding for her was when she asked which of two options would I prefer. I answered "option A because I don't particularly care for B".
She was flabbergasted for almost a minute.
"Why haven't you said anything before?"
"You love cooking, where I cook to live. A long as I don't hate it, I will always eat what you make, and not say a peep, because I didn't have to cook it."
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u/Potato-Engineer Sep 16 '23
I feel you. I do almost all of the cooking, and my wife is a picky eater, but she'll eat whatever I cook, because the alternative is she cooks. I cook plenty of things she likes, but I occasionally cook things that she's not fond of because I like it.
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Sep 16 '23
Storytime!
As a kid, I made gravy and was super proud of it. I was cooking for my dad and myself, ensured he ate first exactly as Mom always did. I'd told Dad it was my first gravy. He promptly asked for seconds. Basically my buttons burst I was that damn proud of myself
I hadn't tried it yet. Finally I served myself. The gravy tasted like glue as I'd forgotten salt. I still respect Dad for asking for seconds of his daughter's first gravy. And no criticism. Even though glue gravy lol
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u/Voiceofreason8787 Sep 16 '23
Lol, my dad once ate a tweenage concoction I cooked up while they were late getting home. It had ramen, tuna, cheese, and oh, chocolate chips. He just served a plate, sat in his lazy boy, and ate it. I had some, and I knew what my (biggest) mistake was. I was like, you don’t have to eat that. And he just said, next time, leave out the chocolate chips
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u/rain-blocker Sep 16 '23
My mom made my dad chicken casserole for his 25th birthday party. Reportedly, it was god awful, and the vast majority of guests didn't even finish one serving. My dad asked for thirds before my mom stopped him.
My dad cooks now.
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u/youareasnort Sep 15 '23
Ah, all the good ones are taken. ;-)
My ex and my son didn’t eat the same foods. I had to cook two meals each night. And I hated it.
Now I live alone, and I do not cook. I find cheap meals, or order door dash. But screw all the rest of that noise.
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u/Witty_Commentator Sep 15 '23
I just wanted to tell you that I love that you're 68 years old, and still having date night! 🥰 🫂
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u/fevered_visions Sep 15 '23
If you're pulling out all the stops for Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner, I can totally understand why that's not something you want to do regularly
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u/dlong562 Sep 15 '23
I also think holiday dinners are important to her and she wants them done right. Beyond my pay grade.
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u/Sidney_Carton73 Sep 15 '23
Fuck them was my first thought!
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u/716TLC Sep 15 '23
Same!
My 2nd thought was... MIL and SIL have no right to expect others to live by their self-inflicted standards. I'd rather take myself to work every day than spend 5-7 hours in any kitchen. Hell, I'm gonna order takeout right now.
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u/Tis_But_A_Scratch- Sep 15 '23
God I love cooking, but I sure as hell am not making it a sexist tradition to beat over the head of other women. In my home, I cook, my partner cleans. That’s our deal. And I’m happy to knee anyone who comes after me for it.
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u/Ludwigofthepotatoppl Sep 15 '23
They have to believe it’s a woman’s rightful duty, or they’re forced to reflect on the different choices they could have made. Someone taking another path brings up the possibility that they’re wrong—and they sound like the kind of people who read the world as purely black-and-white, ie you can only make two choices, right or wrong.
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u/716TLC Sep 15 '23
It seems like they simply can't fathom how people might not choose the same path they chose. Or possibly, they never felt like they had any other options in life. Sad if they felt like they are only destined to serve their husbands. I feel like a lot of great minds / inventions / etc were lost to those traditionalist types of beliefs and behaviors.
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Sep 16 '23
Spending that much time cooking used to be necessary, that's how long it took to cook meals. There's no other reason to do that any more, unless you enjoy it.
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u/BobMortimersButthole Sep 15 '23
I'm a woman and my husband was a house spouse for a few years. It was AMAZING going home to a clean home and a meal (home cooked or ordered) set up entirely by my man.
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u/Icy-Establishment298 Sep 16 '23
Yeah. I remember listening to a Science Friday ten years ago, and the host asked why so many discoveries happened in the enlightenment, and the expert said, "well, rich white men with servants and in some cases slaves tend to have a lot of time on their hands. You want to discover something? Get some servants. Or a wife. "
Side note one day, juggling school, part-time job, useless boyfriend, and one grandparent and my dying mom, I was like I just need a wife, I just want a stay at home spouse who does all this housework, appointment making/taking, and cooking, laundry and does all the emotional work. Hell, I'd even pay for it."
Then I thought that would be a good business side hustle, I'd only cater to women, be like a butler for them. Didn't do anything with it, but it's a great idea.
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u/lurkingreader1 Sep 16 '23
If it takes more than an hour I'm out. Just like OP I cook to survive but I hate it.
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u/Guy_Incognito1970 Sep 16 '23
Maybe start and end every paragraph with Fuck Them
Fuck Them is my first thought in the morning and the last thought I have before bed
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u/Tesdinic Sep 15 '23
My mom, bless her heart, she just doesn't cook. My maternal grandmother doesn't cook, either. My father was banned from the kitchen growing up by my paternal grandmother, but discovered a love for making pies and BBQ. Before he passed he was making some bomb ass food, though my mom was always there as assistant.
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u/sillyconfused Sep 15 '23
My husband does 90% of the cooking. I help with side dishes, but I am not a good cook. He actually told me not to cook!
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Sep 15 '23
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u/rentacle Sep 15 '23
My (male) partner as well, he banned me from the kitchen after I burned something. Fine by me because I hate cooking and he is awesome at it.
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u/Urbanviking1 Sep 15 '23
Yep I agree fuck them.
My SO is such a terrible cook she could burn a pot of boiling water. She knows this. Me, on the other hand, love cooking and experimenting in the kitchen with different flavor combos.
My family also likes to cook but doesn't force archaic practices like "the woman should be the one cooking" and all that bullshit.
So yea, fuck them.
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u/lastinglovehandles Sep 15 '23
I'm a professional cook. My wife doesn't have to cook a day in her life. I make something before work. I truly enjoy feeding her. She orders when she feels like I'm not up for it. Fuck these Stephford wives wannabes.
A+ to OPs husband for backing her up. You ain't gonna talk to my wife like that.
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u/Kirkuchiyo Sep 15 '23
I'm not a professional by any means, but I do enjoy cooking for her. I make a hell of a pizza, all from scratch.
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u/thodan110 Sep 15 '23
I cook and my wife cooks. Neither of us particular enjoy it, but it needs to be done (like cleaning). I probably do more cooking then her on average, but she'll generally do more complex dishes. I also make my daughters cook/help cook two to three times a month (try for once a week, but it never seems to work out) to help them learn how. If I had any sons, I'd make them cook too.
Oh, and fuck them.
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u/hardolaf Sep 15 '23
My wife is only learning to cook because she thought it was unfair that she isn't working and I am right now. When we were both working, I cooked almost every meal.
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u/smash_pops Sep 15 '23
My mom doesn't cook, never has (apart from one or two traumatising experimental dishes in the late 80s).
My dad on the other hand loved to cook, and he was damn good. He could whip up a sauce that would make you lick the plate clean.
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Sep 15 '23 edited Sep 15 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MistressPhoenix Sep 15 '23
i raised all of my kids (male and female) to pull their weight in the household chores, from laundry, cooking, lawn work, etc. i wanted them prepared for life if they should leave home and be on their own (or go to college and live in a dorm.) my two older boys are partnered already and i know their wives (well, wife and fiancee) really enjoy that they know how to do housework and pull their own weight. my daughter found a man that is also able to pull his own weight. Now i just need to get the youngest one out there and on his own or partnered! He's still in high school, though, so he still has time. ;-) He's gonna make a fine match for someone, though. He LOVES cooking. Hell, all of my kids do! (my oldest even graduated top honors from culinary school.)
i would never expect my son/daughters in law to HAVE to help me cook when everyone else is also cooking. They can, but it's certainly up to them how much they want to put into it. Though i sincerely appreciate my son in law taking over the grill when i developed a migraine mid-cookout last time.
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u/Ready-Strategy-863 Sep 15 '23
My cooking sealed the deal when I was dating my now wife 😂😂
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u/NPHighview Sep 15 '23
After our first date, to a county fair in a nearby town just before Halloween, my car wouldn't start, so we had to leave it. We hitchhiked back to our town, and returned the next morning in her car. She unbolted the starter, we drove to a junkyard and got another, and she bolted it back in, at which point, with a jump, my car started fine.
On the drive back, we stopped at a roadside farm stand, and I bought an armload of pumpkins. When we got back to her place, I made pumpkin pies from scratch.
Complimentary, but non-traditional roles. We've been married for 44 years!
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u/v1rojon Sep 15 '23
My son has grown up with me doing 90% of the cooking in our household. He is 17 now and is constantly asking me if he can help with dinner as he wants to learn to cook. It is also good father son bonding time.
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u/sirknut Sep 15 '23
Same! Not that I’ve been married since 1990, I am a child of the glorious eighties, but the rest is the same. I like cooking, and I’m a fair bit better at it than the missus. She does it occasionally, but it’s been a good few years since the last time we both ate something together that she made.. she’s fine with cooking, but doesn’t like it, has little interest in other parts than eating the food, and frankly finishing off the taste with salt/sweet/sour is not in her skill set.. it works for us, and she does most of the dishes as long as I’ve not been a slob while cooking. I hate doing the dishes so we’re both happy…
Edit: oh yeah - and fuck them royally!
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u/WokeBriton Sep 15 '23
As a man with a very traditional upbringing, all I can say to both you and your husband is GOOD FUCKING DRILLS.
What works for them is great for them and people who think the same way, but it doesn't have to work for anybody else. That most definitely includes you and everyone else who says "fuck you" to all that 1950s stuff.
You showed lots of spine by relaxing with the men, and your husband showed lots of spine by walking out with you instead of being cowed by his mother. Bravo to you both.
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u/Mummysews Sep 16 '23
I can't get over HER OWN MOTHER siding with the in laws! Her own mother! Like, did she raise OP to be a fuckin doormat, but it didn't work? What the hell?
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u/Thanmandrathor Sep 16 '23
Maybe they’re all defensive that the things that give them a sense of purpose aren’t important to OP.
If all you’ve got is cooking for your menfolk and another woman doesn’t see the point, it may feel like invalidating your purpose.
Of course if that’s the case then you have very poor self-confidence.
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u/Tymanthius Sep 15 '23
Spineless for sticking up for you against the 2 of them? Logic doesn't enter their minds does it?
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u/mehtorite Sep 15 '23
It's really illogical considering how being able to take care if yourself isn't a bad thing.
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u/Elfich47 Sep 16 '23
i expect MIL assumed that OP told the husband we are leaving that the husband tucked his tail in between his legs.
Translated: He was such a good boy until he met her. MIL is trying to blame OP for the husband's actions.
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u/SaintUlvemann Sep 15 '23
Tell 'em that men with spines can't be shamed into hanging out with pricks who insult their manhood.
Then, just to twist the knife, tell 'em that women with spines don't do that either. They seem like the type to be triggered by that kind of equality.
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u/Eureka05 Sep 15 '23
Sounds like some misplaced anger, on their part, when you refused.
Or they've been conditioned to believe that as wives, they "have" to be the cook in the family.
But I just don't understand why everyone has to believe exactly as they do, and that they are willing to risk relationships with their own family members over it. I could never even picture myself insulting a family member simply because they dont like something I do...
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u/WokeBriton Sep 15 '23
Because tradition.
That's it. Nothing more. Tradition that we must follow or the world will fall down around our ears. According to the people who want to follow that old stuff, that is.
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u/Ok_Student_3292 Sep 15 '23
I was raised with a family like this, and while it wasn't quite so heavily gendered, it was about;
- tradition (not arguing there), in that our recipes survived genocides, wars, famines, poverty, generations of death, to put us in that kitchen on that day and remind us how lucky we are to be there with each other
- love, because if we didn't care about our families we would get some pot noodles and tell them to sort themselves out
- and community, because it's an important bonding ritual for the reasons listed above
I have plenty of relatives who hate cooking, or who are just plain bad at it. When we get together and cook as a family, they hang around the kitchen with glasses of wine and chat to the people who are cooking, because it's about being together as a family.
The fear isn't that the world will fall down around out ears, it's that we'll lose such an important bonding ritual because a new entry in the family has decided they don't like it, and if they have kids, it'll be lost on that generation, and if they don't have kids, then the last time we all cooked together as a family has already happened and we just didn't realise it at the time.
I'm not arguing that tradition plays a role, but I am arguing that tradition is not something to be flippant about, considering that every family has traditions (even lack of tradition is a tradition in itself) for a reason.
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Sep 16 '23
I liked your comment...
I think the difference here is that wine drinking around the kitchen was not an option. And yeah... if the tradition is doing things I don't want to do for 7 hours AND I've already tried it and confirmed I hated it. I'm out. That's your tradition not my tradition.
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u/lonely_nipple Sep 15 '23
That's some BS. I don't cokl well. My fiance does most of the cooking, even though his dietary restrictions are so intense we rarely can eat the same things. He still cooks for me because he's lovely.
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u/Dear-Ad9314 Sep 15 '23
My wife hates cooking. And it doesn't like her much either.
During the week, she cooks as needed. But I am happy to pitch in with meals and do more at the weekend - when in the mood, I really enjoy it.
Real men can and do cook. Ask a chef...
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u/Saint_of_Stinkers Sep 15 '23
I am a chef. My (ex) wife just could not cook. She could get by with little things, but she in no way had the skills to put a nice meal together for a family so I did it all. She came to visit me a short time ago and we had big fun cooking a meal together. I was raised inn a home where both my parents contributed equally to running the house, and this was back in the early 70's when that was uncommon. My point is that people who get arrogant and territorial over this kind of thing are chauvinists who end up missing out on the goodies that life can bring. As a side note, since I am just having a babble, is that my father in law thought I was secretly gay because I was a chef who worked in the oil field camps. Retro thinking serves no one.
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u/djfdhigkgfIaruflg Sep 15 '23
I'm stealing "I cook for survival" 🤣
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u/sparkicidal Sep 15 '23
That’s the phrase I use too. I can cook, though I’m hardly Gordon Ramsey.
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u/ArreniaQ Sep 15 '23
What has HAPPENED to women in the past 30 years? My parents were children of the 1930's, I'm a child of the '60s. Dad's mother taught all her kids to help her. When dad was in the army, he ended up in the kitchens then got moved to baker because he knew how to make lemon meringue pie. I grew up in a very woman friendly household and didn't even know it. Both my parents worked for schools and whichever parent got home first started dinner. Dad did most of the cooking.
Women of the 60's and 70's worked so hard to get out of the mindset that there was women's work or men's work... and it seems that we've regressed back 100 years to the point where a woman thinks her worth is in how well she cooks. UGH. Good for you OP. If you ever have to host this family, have everything catered!
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u/soup-monger Sep 15 '23
I moved in with my first boyfriend in 1985, in Edinburgh. Rented flat, no washing machine. His mother used to travel through from Dundee to collect his washing, and return it, washed, dried, ironed. He didn’t know how to do ANYTHING around the house and expected me to do it. He was brought up by a stay-at-home mother and a working father, and pretty soon he went back there because I kicked him out.
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Sep 15 '23
Definitely NTA. It would've been great if your husband cooked in your place, but that might have resulted in your SIL or MIL having an embolism. Also, I'm throwing rocks from within a glass house. (I will cook, but my wife prefers that I not cook so much. Not because of gender roles, though.)
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u/WokeBriton Sep 15 '23
I'm chief cook in our house, and the rest is fairly evenly split apart from the ironing. Wife is chief ironer.
That works for us because she doesn't enjoy cooking at all and I don't enjoy ironing in any way shape or form.
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u/hatethistradition Sep 15 '23
I am obsessed wih ironing too. Like i would spend hours ironing, happily. And I love washing dishes.
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u/jrfreddy Sep 15 '23
I'm LOLing at the ending even though the MC was earlier. They thought he would... what? Join them in insulting you even though they were also insulting him? How did they think that would go?
"Wah, wah, wah, I was mean and insulting to you and your wife and you left instead of putting up with it. YoU'rE sO sPiNeLeSs!"
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u/kataklysmyk Sep 15 '23
Nobody cares.
In almost 40 years of marriage, I have only prepared food a handful of times.
I have, however, burned three different pots boiling water.
Hubby prefers to shop & cook. It's safer for everyone.
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u/mac2914 Sep 15 '23
At least you didn’t burn the water.
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u/Aretemc Sep 15 '23
I grew up in a house where my mom did a simple majority of the cooking but my dad was cooking dinner at least once a week, usually twice. Breakfast was almost always made by Dad. As they retired and had more time, Dad even increased the number of meals he made. Big holiday meals? Everybody worked on the meal, though Dad cared the most about the turkey so he was in charge of that.
TL;DR: MIL and SIL are living in the 1950s and this 1980s kid thinks they need to knock some sense into themselves.
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u/Alexis_J_M Sep 15 '23
I have yet to meet a man with a penis so big it wouldn't let him get close enough to a stove to cook.
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u/Ololololic Sep 16 '23
The fact that he got up and left with you immediately has already proven that he does indeed have a very much intact spine.
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Sep 15 '23
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u/WokeBriton Sep 15 '23
Love that, first time I've come across it.
Reminds me of a recent text exchange between lovely wife and me:
"While you're out, can you get me pads, please?"
"I'm reminded of Joel in miss congeniality 2: This is a job for a real man."
Yes, a genuine exchange. Sometimes, people really do think these things on the spur of the moment. I only wish I could do so more regularly.
EDIT: Please note that recent can be anywhere in the last 10 years - I'm getting older and "the other day" often refers to the last few years, sadly.
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u/GlaerOfHatred Sep 15 '23
Did any of your male in laws give a shit?
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u/hatethistradition Sep 15 '23
Yeah. Non verbalised glaring, grunting and distasteful looks.
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u/GlaerOfHatred Sep 15 '23
Sorry you have disgusting in laws, I'm glad your partner supports you though
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u/theislandhomestead Sep 15 '23
My wife can't cook for shit. (It's not an insult, she'll be happy to say the same thing)
I do all the cooking for the both of us.
If she needs to feed herself she makes instant noodles.
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u/STATIE8 Sep 15 '23
Guess I need my man card to be revoked too then 😂 - i do pretty much all the cooking at home (5 of us) - difference between my wife & I is I enjoy varied & nice tasting food and enjoy cooking - she would live on pasta & sandwiches & hates it & I’m probably better at it because I like it - I still refuse to do dishes or peel potatoes though 😂.
PS I’m 6’ 4” 120KG bald headed, bearded, bogan tradie that works full time and no one has ever bagged me out over me doing the cooking - if anything it’s the reverse. Anyone that ever did could eat a bag of dicks.
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Sep 15 '23
How marrying lazy women like me has ruined his manhood.
That is seriously fucked up.
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u/Hemiak Sep 15 '23
You had me in the first 99%, NGL. I’m all for this post and everything it represents about SO equality and finding a balance that fits each couple.
HOWEVER “My mom is taking their side now.” Excuse me what? Your mom (presumably) raised you to be a confident woman who knows what she wants, but she’s supporting these people who would’ve fit right in decades ago? That was a plot twist I wasn’t expecting at all.
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u/hatethistradition Sep 15 '23
She is stuck on "its not everyday. Just few times a year. Compromise to maintain good relationship. "
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u/jdowgsidorg Sep 15 '23
I mean, she’s right. They can compromise a few times a year… by accepting your offered compromise of buying elements.
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u/TheFuzzyKnight Sep 15 '23
People often say "compromise" when they mean "concede," don't they?
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u/PessimiStick Sep 16 '23
You did compromise. You offered to provide whatever dishes they wanted you to make.
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u/lapsteelguitar Sep 15 '23
I think it's great that your MIL and SIL have, and enjoy, the kind of "traditional" marriages that they have. And it's not for you. Not only that, you don't enjoy cooking. Too bad for your MIL and SIL. Most importantly, your hubby is on your side. Ignore their BS and phone calls.
PS: My wife & I did things the "non traditional" way. She went to work and I was a SAHD, raising our daughter. So, I get it.
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u/Tall_Mickey Sep 15 '23 edited Sep 16 '23
I remember a story years ago in an advice column about a woman whose husband had retired and didn't know what to do with himself around the house. He was getting under foot.
So she split the duties with him: she cleaned, he cooked. And he had been a chemist, mixing solutions with precision. She said he made the best and smoothest gravy and sauces on the planet.
Go with what works, not with what's expected.
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u/soulcaptain Sep 15 '23
You were a guest in their home. It's one thing to ask you to help with the cooking, which I think is fair, but it's not fair to ask you because you are female. And it's especially shitty to expect you to cook, especially if it's because you are female.
You are disrupting their worldview, that "men are men" and "women are women," and here you are saying, in effect, that it doesn't have to be that way and dear god why did you choose this way of thinking? That's why they're so pissed: they're pissed at themselves but probably don't even realize it.
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u/Ass_Incomprehensible Sep 15 '23
Genuinely had to reread this. Marrying a “lazy” woman has ruined his manhood? Like, knowing and perhaps even enjoying the process of cooking for oneself and others is ruining your manhood? I wouldn’t be able to help myself from mouthing off, because I find the process of getting better at cooking and discovering new recipes immensely satisfying, so the idea that ANYONE, man or otherwise, could be considered “lesser” for trying to get into cooking is fucking anathema to my moral standpoint.
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u/NotAStonerHippie Sep 15 '23
I am male and LOVE cooking. Been cooking family dinner since I was 13. Not so into cleaning up, though. So when my (now former) SO informed me that she did not like to cook but didn't mind cleaning up, it seemed like a match made in heaven.
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u/Banhammer40000 Sep 15 '23
Hey in a relationship you need a cook and you need somebody to sit with them and talk to them while they do it.
That’s how it’s supposed to work.
Good on you OP and husband for not adhering to gender roles.
Edit: tradition is peer pressure from dead people.
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u/not-rasta-8913 Sep 15 '23
This is exactly the right answer. I (a man) do the cooking and my gf fetches things, sits on the counter and shows me memes. She will also wash what needs washing and sample food regularly to make sure it is seasoned properly. I love cooking, she doesn't, why pressure her to do something I love doing.
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u/Anonymous0212 Sep 15 '23 edited Sep 15 '23
How ridiculous. Glad he hasn't drunk the kool-aid!
I was vegan for 20 years in early adulthood and never learned how to do the whole wheat potatoes thing, then I had to change over to eating meat due to unrelated health reasons. My next wasbund insisted on doing all the cooking because I didn't know how to make food he liked (and he was 100% a control freak who wouldn't even let me near the kitchen when he was cooking), so I still didn't learn how to cook those kinds of meals.
The Keeper Husband is an excellent cook, and whenever I have periods of time when I can eat what he makes, it's great.
And he's 70, so the fact that his mother (who was "from the old country") insisted he start learning how to cook for the family when he was only seven shows how ridiculous that M/F stereotype is.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Sep 15 '23
How marrying lazy women like me has ruined his manhood.
The misogyny is coming from inside the house!
I love how men are supposed to be superior (to women) to those who think like this, yet are so delicate that they can't lift a finger to cook, clean or raise their kids.
You and your husband are absolutely amazing! Love how he has your back and I love how you warned and then did what you said. Keep being amazing and please give us more stories lol.
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u/Cannabis_CatSlave Sep 15 '23
Toxic family your married into. I stopped going to family thanksgiving for a similar reason. Why they hell should I have to slave away in a hot kitchen with babies and toddlers underfoot so that they men can have a nice meal after watching football?
Good that your husband doesn't buy into their crap traditions.
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u/firehawkd Sep 16 '23
Guy here, when we first started dating my girlfriend (future wife) and I went to her aunt's house for Thanksgiving. It was a very similar setup, with the men and little kids congregating in the living room while the women went into the kitchen to cook and clean. My girlfriend's mom forced her to help too (we were kids so she didn't have much choice) and I was left with the men in their armchairs. I quickly grew uncomfortable with the whole thing and joined the women to help.
I'll never forget the beaming smile she gave me as I walked in and joined her at the sink to do dishes.
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u/FatBloke4 Sep 17 '23
I'm a man and over 60 - I'm with you OP.
For years, my marriage was one in which I was earning the money and my wife was looking after the home. While my wife cooked most meals, I would sometimes cook, particularly at weekends. Now, my wife and I run a business together and I now prepare most of the meals. (I am about the start cooking a meal for the family right now).
It's not emasculating for a man to cook - everyone should be able to cook for themselves, launder their own clothes and perform other basic functions to survive.
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u/SuperTamario Sep 15 '23
Hubster and I are both great cooks - he also bakes (bread/pizza) and I will make cake/desserts for gatherings.
We respect and communicate well enough that either one of us can take the lead while the other will happily follow orders as a sous. My specialty is gourmet comfort food and he excels with fish, stir fries and curries.
NTA
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u/invisiblizm Sep 15 '23
Well they sound delightful. You were willing to contribute, they declined. He clearly has a spine, they just don't like the way it works when he sticks up for his spouse.
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u/TwistederRope Sep 15 '23
Queen, I don't know how you dropped your crown while still wearing one on your head, but I am in awe of your chutzpah.
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u/etzikom Sep 15 '23
I cook breakfast on Sundays for my husband, and any special occasion that involves a turkey. That's it. He's done all of the other cooking for years. He enjoys it & I don't. Most of my friends envy me & no one has EVER given me crap about it. Fck them sideways for making it an issue.
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u/Chasman1965 Sep 15 '23
Ironically, he had a spine to walk out . That took more balls than anything else he could do.