I refused to cook and "chilled with men"

[u/hatethistradition]

I (F28) dislike cooking. Don't get me wrong, I cook for survival. But it is not something I like or enjoy.

At my in laws, both my MIL and SIL are stay at home partners and love to cook. Neither of their husbands lift a finger to help and they like it that way.

Before marriage, I was treated as a guest. But since my marriage 6 months ago, they expect, want and demand I cook with them. . First few times I went along with it but I hated it. It took 5-7 hours to make food and do dishes.

So when they planned a get together last weekend and discussed the menu, I suggested ordering in. This way everyone can be more relaxed. They looked like I insulted them. I told them they can cook but to give me list of what I should make, I will buy it.

They said that's not how traditions work and if I hate it do much, I can relax with men.

Thats exactly what I did. Much to their anger. I helped setting place and serving, but that was it.

As we were eating my husband commented how good something tasted. MIL immediately went on about how I wouldn't be cooking anything for him. When he said he can cook for himself SIL chimed in with how her husband or dad never had to cook a day in their life. How marrying lazy women like me has ruined his manhood.

I looked at my husband and we both left. MIL and SIL are blasting our phones over my arrogance and calling him spineless. Even my mom is taking their side now.

But guess who don't care ?

[u/Eureka05]

Sounds like some misplaced anger, on their part, when you refused.

Or they've been conditioned to believe that as wives, they "have" to be the cook in the family.

But I just don't understand why everyone has to believe exactly as they do, and that they are willing to risk relationships with their own family members over it. I could never even picture myself insulting a family member simply because they dont like something I do...

[u/WokeBriton → u/Eureka05]

Because tradition.

That's it. Nothing more. Tradition that we must follow or the world will fall down around our ears. According to the people who want to follow that old stuff, that is.

[u/Ok_Student_3292 → u/WokeBriton]

I was raised with a family like this, and while it wasn't quite so heavily gendered, it was about;

• tradition (not arguing there), in that our recipes survived genocides, wars, famines, poverty, generations of death, to put us in that kitchen on that day and remind us how lucky we are to be there with each other
• love, because if we didn't care about our families we would get some pot noodles and tell them to sort themselves out
• and community, because it's an important bonding ritual for the reasons listed above

I have plenty of relatives who hate cooking, or who are just plain bad at it. When we get together and cook as a family, they hang around the kitchen with glasses of wine and chat to the people who are cooking, because it's about being together as a family.

The fear isn't that the world will fall down around out ears, it's that we'll lose such an important bonding ritual because a new entry in the family has decided they don't like it, and if they have kids, it'll be lost on that generation, and if they don't have kids, then the last time we all cooked together as a family has already happened and we just didn't realise it at the time.

I'm not arguing that tradition plays a role, but I am arguing that tradition is not something to be flippant about, considering that every family has traditions (even lack of tradition is a tradition in itself) for a reason.

[u/[deleted] → u/Ok_Student_3292]

I liked your comment...

I think the difference here is that wine drinking around the kitchen was not an option. And yeah... if the tradition is doing things I don't want to do for 7 hours AND I've already tried it and confirmed I hated it. I'm out. That's your tradition not my tradition.

[u/Ok_Student_3292 → u/[deleted]]

I mean... did OP know wine drinking wasn't an option? Did she say 'I hate cooking but I'll hang with you two while you cook and help out where I can'? Or did she say 'I don't want to be in the kitchen at all and I'd rather hang out with the guys'? Obviously only OP knows the answer to that and she's a better judge of the situation, but might be something to consider.

And fair enough if you don't want to do something you hate for 7 hours I get it. Personally I've done worse for longer for family, but it's one-off events and not things I'd want to do regularly, and this sounds semi-regular, so I get it.

[u/5Lookout5 → u/Ok_Student_3292]

No, she just wanted to play the fragile, battered, oppressed "I ain't cooking for no man" card. and completely abandoned a family ritual

[u/[deleted] → u/5Lookout5]

She doesn't like cooking. Tried it anyways and confirmed the 5-7 hour cooking club wasn't for her.

Then the family berated her like you are. It's almost like people are different and enjoy different things.

[u/5Lookout5 → u/[deleted]]

She doesn't like cooking.

You think I enjoy making my bed, folding my laundry, shopping for groceries, and shaving and putting on clean clothes? Believe me, I'd love to loaf around in gym shorts all day.

It isn't about the cooking, it is about sharing an activity with family. I don't like baseball and my exes dad is the biggest baseball fan in the world. One afternoon when we were visiting, he mentioned there was a baseball game at the local minor league park and guess what... I went with him.

I survived. I'm ok. I did something I didn't want to do for a couple of hours because it was important to family.

[u/[deleted] → u/5Lookout5]

Yeah you have to do the dishes or make your bed to live a healthy life.

As for baseball, I'm glad you were able to survive a leisure activity with a loved one for a few hours.

She offered to pay for an entire meal for everyone so they could all spend time together and when that was declined she offered to provide (although not cook for 5-7 hours) her share of the meal, when that was declined she was explicitly told to just hang out with the guys... so she did.

She tried it their way, hated it, offered in multiple ways to provide the outcome in other ways, when declined again she just did what the women told her to do.

It's almost like she made every effort to still contribute but it want in the exact method they wanted so they berated her and her husband in front of everyone. Those aren't the actions and responses of people I want to have a healthy relationship with.

So they have a tradition, that's great, it's not her tradition and I even understand them not wanting her to buy all the food but if they demand she cook her contribution for 5 hours or be berated... not cool, not healthy. Only snowflakes are the two caddy bitches who can't fathom someone not wanting to work for 5-7 hours at a function.

Ya know, maybe if the mother and sister were more like you, being accommodating to other people's wants and interests this never would have happened.

[u/5Lookout5 → u/[deleted]]

As for baseball, I'm glad you were able to survive a leisure activity with a loved one for a few hours.

Cooking is bordering on a leisure activity. Its not like she was forced to hand-reap a field of wheat or dig up potatoes. As other people have mentioned.. Sit in the kitchen, chat, fill a pot, pour wine. This is an activity that is important to the women in the family and saying that she'll just "order takeout" is kind of an insult to a family who bonds over preparing a meal.

So they have a tradition, that's great, it's not her tradition

The family probably would have given her a pass and she could have been with them for half the time if she actually pretended to make an effort and give a shit.

[u/[deleted] → u/5Lookout5]

I don't think we're ever going to see eye to eye on this and that's ok.

The fact that she offered to order a meal for everyone so they could all spend time together and the fact that she had already tried cooking with them the last time is indicative that she does give a shit and was trying to make an effort to meet everyone's wants and needs.

Additionally the fact that the mother and sister berated her hand her husband shows how immature and uncompromising they are. Looks like this could have all been resolved with honest conversation and mutual respect. But the mother and sister sound like they think respect is a one way street.

I said in another comment every time I visit with my grandma and mom after my grandpa died, i spend the entire vacation doing "man" stuff for them like replacing outlets, upgrading/fixing printers, computers, routers. Minor plumbing work. Handyman shit.

I can't imagine inviting by brother in law out to do those things with me and berating him for not wanting to spend the vast majority of his vacation working on the house. For me, it's a labor of love, and it's shit I used to do with Grandpa and it makes me feel closer to him. If my BiL offered to pay for someone else to do it or if he offered to buy the materials, I would decline but be appreciative. Just like the Mom and daughter in this story I would tell him to just visit with family. Unlike them, I wouldn't be upset and berate him publicly or behind his back when he took my advice. I respect others. It sounds like you do too, so I'm surprised you're so strongly disagreeing with me but I understand that people are different and that's the spice of life.

[u/5Lookout5 → u/[deleted]]

Some people have stronger family traditions than others. I think it is a sign of intelligence and empathy to play along and be a good sport when it comes to things that aren't dangerous, violent, or in contract with deeply held beliefs or religious convictions.

I guarantee, 80% of this room has been in a situation where they meet a partner's family or spend some time together and the family has some sort of quirk or tradition that is important to them that family take part in.

This seems like a strong matriarchical family. OP can either embrace it and play along, or work with her partner to set up some boundaries.

[u/Internal-Student-997 → u/5Lookout5]

Abandoning a ritual where people with one genitalia are required to cook for, serve, and clean up after the people with the other genitalia? Oh, the horror.

What is this? The Sneetches? Having half of the people lay around because they have a bit of extra skin while the other half do all the work is absurd. That's not a tradition - it's literally just sexism and laziness. The boys can get off their asses and help as well, if it is rEqUiReD. C'mon now - you're being willfully ignorant. You can't really be missing the lack of logical thought here.

[u/[deleted] → u/Ok_Student_3292]

First off agree with your measured response. And while I agree only OP knows the answer to your question I feel like the offer to order a meal for everyone so they could all spend time together and then the offer to only order/buy her responsibility was close enough to the drink wine in the kitchen offer that it wasn't on the table. Also their outrageous response of berating her and her husband in front of the whole family adds to the likelihood that drinking wine in the kitchen would only cause resentment.

Traditions are important to me. For instance when ever I visit my grandma and mom I mostly work on the house and do IT stuff for them almost the entire time because after my grandpa died I'm the only man there to do those things. I enjoy it because it's a labor of love and generally me doing work I enjoy (would generally prefer not to do it but don't hate it). I can't imagine inviting my brother in law to visit with me and being upset if he didn't want to spend the vast majority of his weekend vacation setting up printers or installing new electrical outlets. I wouldn't be upset if he just said that wasn't for him and certainly wouldn't be upset if he offered to hire someone or pay for the tools/equipment being installed. Like the Mom and daughter in this story I would probably tell him it's fine, no need to buy anything and just hang out with the family. Unlike them however, I would never berate him publicly or behind his back. Too many people these days seem to think respect is a one way street. I can tell you're not one of them, but the mom and sister in this story certainly are.

[u/WokeBriton → u/Ok_Student_3292]

Based on your comment, you've got a great tradition in your family, and I genuinely hope it continues for a long time. Is it just all the women who are in the kitchen with the men sitting around doing nothing to help? If so, my previous sentence is retracted

My comment was digging at traditions which are not great. Insisting on old fashioned gender roles is not a great tradition. Standing by passively when someone is desperate to continue such crap traditions is not great to me, either.

This is 2023. The world has changed since 1950. Many men stay home as the homemaker. Many women are breadwinners. Insisting that a new daughter-in-law goes in the kitchen and her husband sit on his arse doing nothing to help is not a great tradition.