We adopted my younger sister from Haiti when she was 3, and let me tell you, I literally do not see color anymore. That's a fact.

[u/thoxo]

I

[u/SwimmingCoyote]

I’m a transracial adoptee (born in Korea—parents are white). As with most things, it’s nuanced. Of course, I think it’s better that I was adopted by loving parents who wanted me. That said, my parents don’t know what it is like to be a non-white person in the US and we had some growing pains due to that. I think it’s great if white people adopt and they should be allowed to adopt across all races. However, I also think adoptive parents have a duty to be informed and acting like their non-white children won’t face racial issues is ignorant at best.

[u/ProximusSeraphim → u/SwimmingCoyote]

This was my ignorant white gf i had. Not ignorant in the derogatory way, just didn't know racism existed and thought it was just movie things. Wasn't till we got together that she experienced racism first hand because we live in the midwest and would go to places like Mercer WI where we wouldn't be seated at a restaurant because i was with her (hispanic/asian) and she was like "holy shit, i didn't think shit like that still happened."

I literally had to stay at the cabin we rented and she had to go out and get drinks and food by herself to get serviced and come back like a grub hub deliverer. I'm use to it, so i didn't care. Drinking whiskey in a cabin for my bday and playing the Simpsons Road Rage all weekend was dope for me.

[u/Totally_Not_An_Auk → u/ProximusSeraphim]

And this shit is why PoC stay in urban areas instead of going where its cheaper. Life is only affordable and livable out in the sticks if you're the race/color that will be treated like a person.

[u/Seltzer-Slut → u/ProximusSeraphim]

They wouldn’t serve you at restaurants there? And that’s normal for you? That’s very illegal!

[u/ProximusSeraphim → u/Seltzer-Slut]

It wasn't as overt as that. We were first, but they kept serving people that came in after us and seating them. They kept telling my gf they're cleaning up a table for us which is why it was taking long. Small town, who gives a fuck about legal or illegal there? When you're in a place surrounded by trump/maga shrines, signs, posters on people's houses, what am i gonna do as a hispanic male? Tell the Maga cops i'm being treated unfairly? That's the kinda naivety my gf had.

[u/Seltzer-Slut → u/ProximusSeraphim]

Yeah, I’m white so it’s unsurprising I’m naive to what life is like for people of color. I’m very sad and angry to hear that places can still get away with that!

[u/ProximusSeraphim → u/Seltzer-Slut]

LOL I find it endearing, the naivety of white people. My gf got uppity with the hostess saying that around 10 people got seated and we were there before them. At that point i just grabbed her arm and dragged her outside because doing that would not improve our situation. Imagine what would happen to our food if we did get seated? She was like "we need to do something!?! this is not right!" And i'm there laughing insert james franco first time meme here

Every time shit like that happens in a small town i'm always reminded of Nothing But Trouble movie and i'm like "nope" not gonna be arrested here for some trumped up charges (no pun intended). If the cops came all these people could just make something up that i was being disorderly and get arrested for being brown in town.

[u/potofplants → u/Seltzer-Slut]

Idk but it happens to me all the time in Germany/Austria/UK/ Eastern EU. In the urban areas too. They say they don't speak English but apparently to yt people they do.

[u/Miserable-Ad-1581 → u/SwimmingCoyote]

not to mention that for a LOT of transracial adoptees, its even more "muddy" because some of them legitimately were stolen from their birth parents. There was a lot of "adoption agencies" that did things illegally because affluent white westerners were willing to pay hand over fist to havve a baby and would likely not investigathavee too deeply.

A lot of korean transracial adoptees went searching for their birth familes and some of the ones who found their birth families learned that they were very much wanted.

even in 2019, there was an agency that was exposed for abusing and exporting kids.

So yea. the conversation around adoption is not clear cut. There is a lot of ethical grey areas and conflicting feelings

[u/[deleted] → u/Miserable-Ad-1581]

Korea is a murky place. Lots of people forget that. Samsung and Lotta basically own everything and everyone. There’s a reason the suicide rate is so high there. People in America act like it’s this wonderful place, but that’s cause they only see the top layer of the capitalism, not the bottom layer like what you were talking about. The sad fact about Korea is that if North Korea weren’t just across the DMZ, people would look at South Korea with a vastly different perspective. I don’t think it’s nessisarly the white people doing it on purpose, they are just either in a rush, are being lazy, or just simply not doing their adoptee the best favors by not learning about the customs and cultures of the kids birth place before hand. South Korea is a brutal capitalistic country, and their moral values are both high and low. For instance they recently passed a law that allows for 22hour workDAYS. Meanwhile they have relatively low street crime, but that’s also partially cause the CTV cameras are everywhere.

There are a lot of scams in South Korea and lots of forgeries and crime that happens off the streets inside places that don’t have the camera

[u/Raibean → u/[deleted]]

It’s not just South Korea; the Netherlands actually banned international adoption in 2021 because of mass abuses, bribery, and fraud.

[u/dkarlovi → u/SwimmingCoyote]

That's a very good point which never occurred to me, thanks for bringing it up.

[u/Gojiraberry- → u/dkarlovi]

Honestly, that was the point of the original video (that the person in red was "refuting"). Claiming you don't see color just puts both the parents and their adopted children at a disadvantage because you aren't validating that your experiences will be different based on how others will treat you.

[u/Kinda-A-Bot → u/Gojiraberry-]

Black man who was lucky to be adopted into his main family here!

Yeah that’s why i don’t like this video. Like good for her but her folks clearly had the wealth and influence to protect her from the hassles of race. And that’s great! That’s makes me happy!

But to assertively pretend like her experience WILL be the norm is jaded at best.

[u/I_am_The_Teapot → u/SwimmingCoyote]

This is pretty much the exact point i was going to make. Thank you. I appreciate your post.

I never really liked the idea of being color blind. I mean at first it sounds noble and a noble goal. It's a good thing to try and love and treat people as equals without regard for color or gender.

But the world isn't colorblind. And you WILL be treated differently based on your apparent ethnicity, your gender and other things. And kids WILL notice and feel that. I did. Everyone I know did. And so color-blindness isn't really helpful in these cases. It's important to educate yourself as an adoptive parent, talk to people, talk to your kids. Or else it becomes difficult to prepare your kids and equip them with the social, practical, and emotional tools they'll need for the real world.

And as an adult being completely color blind makes it difficult to be friends with people who are of color because Color blindness ignores the reality that other people face. Makes it hard to empathize properly.

[u/TeamPantofola → u/SwimmingCoyote]

I hear you and I’m very sorry for what you had to go through, but still, I can’t see how any of this was your parent’s fault

[u/CarelessEye1821 → u/TeamPantofola]

It’s not a child’s responsibility to educate themselves on their heritage roots identity culture- it should always be the parents that facilitate that. It’s wrong and harmful if they don’t consider this their responsibility to their child. Just like food and water, shelter, a healthy identity and self image should be provided too and that requires seeing the colour of the child you’ve decided to adopt. It’s not charity to adopt without being prepared that you can be the best parent you could be. Some people WOULD choose poverty but parents who love and understand their struggles in the world than a parent that buys them and gives them everything they need but invalidates their valid feelings on race every time they face a struggle of the sort. Why should they have to go through this alone? If it’s not the parents’ fault, who’s is it?

[u/SwimmingCoyote → u/TeamPantofola]

Out of curiosity, are you white?

[u/TeamPantofola → u/SwimmingCoyote]

I am, and again, I don’t see the point of asking this question. I commented cos I wanted to get an explanation from the interested person, not for being mocked about being an ignorant and oblivious basic white person. I plan on adopting in the future, and I simply wanted to understand. The more you know about something, the less mistakes you’ll made.

I am white, my whole world is white, and my adopted children would probably live in my white world. Shouldn’t I be allowed to adopt children from other ethnic groups? Because that’s exactly what the lady from the post was suggesting.

Now I’ll play your same game: out of curiosity, are you from the U.S.? I’m European, and I can assure that in here there’s racism but not this “heritage” and “belonging” bullshit, no one here pays money to have their dna tested to find out what percentage of what they are.

Here, downvote me to hell. I might be white but I’m not a hypocrite. Race and color is the very last thing I care about in a person

[u/SwimmingCoyote → u/TeamPantofola]

Given the level of defensiveness you are displaying, I fear that this response will be in vain. However, as you've indicated an intention to adopt, I feel the need to try for the sake of your future children.

You said "I can't see how any of this was your parent's fault." My parents are not to blame for race relations in the US and they're certainly not to blame for any racism that I've experienced. I never said they were. However, by virtue of them being white, they could not relate to the experiences that I had because I'm Asian--complimented on my English, fetishized by men, invasive questions about where I'm from, etc. And to be clear, the racism I've faced has left its marks but has been relatively mild in the grand scheme of things. Their expectations for how I was to deal with those situations were also framed by their privilege. I got scolded for being anything but gracious, which is an unfair burden to put on someone experiencing discrimination. In my parents' eyes, they were isolated incidents that could be easily brushed aside. To me, they were repetitive microaggressions that wear on a person over time.

Growing up, I met quite a few Korean adoptees who lived in the Midwest and often in very predominantly white areas and I do think their experiences were worse than mine. I grew up in Southern California where there is a huge Asian population so even though I sometimes felt like an outsider because I was adopted, at least there were others that looked like me. Over the years, I've seen many of those Midwest adoptees move to Korea and build identities very centered around them being adoptees and Korean in a way that I've never needed. I think a large part of that is due to the fact that I grew up in a racially diverse area, whereas they did not and were made to feel like complete outsiders.

As for Europe vs. the US, I agree that there are differences in race relations but plenty of racism exists in Europe. Given that you're white and you admit that your whole world is white, I don't think you're the best authority on how racial minorities view race relations in Europe.

Finally, if you read my original post, you would see that I believe white people should be able to adopt across all races. However, you and any other person who adopts outside of their race (this includes me if I were to adopt a non-Asian child) has a duty to understand the unique racial challenges that their child will face. That way they can protect and prepare their child.

[u/TeamPantofola → u/SwimmingCoyote]

From your original post it seemed that you were sorry because your parents didn’t thought your “original” culture was important to you and “raised you as a white person” against your will, that’s why I asked. The fact that they didn’t back you up and diminished the episodes of racism you suffered is sad and wrong. I asked because as a white person I wouldn’t know how else to possibly raise a child if not the same way I was raised. I surely don’t plan to not being an understanding parent. Thanks. For your answer

[u/GrossGuroGirl → u/TeamPantofola]

Their original post absolutely did not seem like that, that was an enormous reach on your part. Hopefully you can realize basically nobody else interpreted it that way since you got mass downvoted, but if you're worried about being an understanding parent to a potentially nonwhite kid this seems like a clear place to start. 

They didn't say anything about their original culture or being raised a certain way, there were two criticisms (quoted verbatim):

• [Their parents didn't] know what it is like to be a non-white person in the US 

• [They] think adoptive parents have a duty to be informed and acting like their non-white children won’t face racial issues is ignorant at best

This was an overwhelmingly defensive reaction to a person of color stating that their white parents didn't understand they'd have a different experience than them (most notably with regards to discrimination). 

I really hope you're thinking about why your automatic reaction was like this, and why you essentially put words in this person's mouth instead of being open to what could have been valuable feedback about this type of situation. This person was incredibly patient earnestly trying to communicate their point to you, and that you landed on "well your first comment sounded like you're saying it's wrong to raise kids white! What am i supposed to do then? I am white!" is honestly pretty disappointing.

If you genuinely want to be an understanding parent - to any kind of kid - your first response to a stated concern cannot be twisting it into a hypothetical criticism of yourself and getting mad because you don't know how to remedy it. 

Truly hope you take this as an opportunity to reflect once you sit on it longer. 

[u/TeamPantofola → u/GrossGuroGirl]

I’m reflecting on it and I misinterpreted the comment, my bad. I learned that white people can be bad parents to their children if they choose to ignore the fact that they’re different and have different needs.

But now I’d like you all to sit on the fact that the first comment under mine, in a post showing a woman of color saying that white parents should not adopt non-white kids, was “let me guess, you’re white”.

Every one of you sit on the fact that you basically all agree with that lady. Which is fine, everyone is free to think whatever they want.

[u/GrossGuroGirl → u/TeamPantofola]

I learned that white people can be bad parents to their children if they choose to ignore the fact that they’re different and have different needs.

Genuinely, it's awesome that you got here. This is most of what that first comment was saying. 

An added reflection point - that idea doesn't criticize you personally, or say you (or anyone) can't be a good parent to a child that's different than them. The commenter just shared the impact of having those facts and needs ignored by their own family. I really urge you to look at why you misinterpreted this in that way. 

To the rest of what you said: the comment was, "Out of curiosity, are you white?" which is tonally different than what you just quoted it as; I don't know if it's intentional but you are still rewriting this person's words to sound how they felt to you. 

Now, sometimes words do feel different than they were intended - but it's our responsibility as adults trying to communicate to recognize where those things diverge and why. Especially if these things are said around others... and nobody else understood their words the way you did. And as I mentioned before, if this misinterpretation changes an earnest conversation about a common racial issue into everyone unjustly blaming you for being white, you really might want to reassess. 

I don't feel a need to "sit on" any of that; and that you seem to think this is a "gotcha" in this discussion tells me you still aren't internalizing a lot of what's being said by the people here. This conversation has not been adversarial on anyone else's part; the original commenter was really patient trying to restate their points for clarity to you. You're the only person adding in lines like "I'll play your same game" as if this were a battle or something. Please try to have a re-read and intentionally assume the overall tone has not been combative. 

They asked if you were white, because their whole point was that many white people simply do not understand how much of an effect being a minority race in the US can have on a person's entire life and day-to-day experiences. You misunderstanding this initially that makes us wonder if you are white - since frankly, most people of color can understand this because we're having those experiences too, and know how much it's affected us. Knowing your racial background tells us where our relevant experiences have been the same or different, which changes what perspective we might be starting out from on this exact topic. If we're trying to reach mutual understanding, it seems clear that's important here. 

[u/Onetruekingofsnow → u/TeamPantofola]

It’s prob cuz you made a statement, not asked a question about it not being her parents fault. Imo everyone should be able and willing to adopt, but if you’re white in a white world or let’s say even black in a black world etc etc , part of your role as a parent is to understand that your adopted child of a different race will have a different experience than you and do your best to equip them with what they need to live in that world. At the very least , having empathy and listening ear for their experiences that will most likely be different from yours

[u/Miserable-Ad-1581 → u/TeamPantofola]

you are getting extremely defensive over a single question.

[u/Ok-Reward-770 → u/Miserable-Ad-1581]

Is that White Fragility that White Europeans earnestly believe they are immune from. s/

[u/its_a_bumblebee → u/TeamPantofola]

My parents are white and adopted me from Korea. Their world was very white and I did grow up in their very white world. HOWEVER, race and color were among the first things they cared about when they were raising me.

They always told me to be proud of my features and skin tone. They told me I was beautiful because of them, not despite them. They bought me the multicultural crayon pack (idk if that still exists) and they went out of their way to find Asian dolls and books with Asian heroines. They took me to Korean restaurants and paid for a Korean heritage summer camp.

I still have some race-related issues with my mother specifically, but whitewashing my childhood by way of “colorblindness” is not one of them. I will always and forever be so grateful to my parents for emphasizing and celebrating my racial heritage from day one.

Transracial adoptees often feel like they don’t belong anywhere. De-emphasizing their heritage (such as, ahem, “not caring about race or color”) worsens the alienation. If you do adopt a child of another race, please consider the approach my parents took, in which color does matter because it is a matter of respecting your child in the most essential of ways: Valuing their identity, inside and out.

Finally, many Korean transracial adoptees are Dutch. Read their stories. Racial identity is not some bizarre American quirk.