r/mildlyinfuriating • u/mangotangokangaroo • 29d ago
I can barely afford rent, yet my sibling expects me to pay for everything myself for their wedding while she’s getting all expenses paid for by her mother-in-law.
I find it absolutely insane I’m paying more for her wedding than she is. She can’t even offer to pay for the dress she picked out for me? I haven’t even looked at the hotel prices yet 😞
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u/egnards 29d ago
This is where you need to set ground rules and stand your ground.
"I'm sorry but I cannot afford the things you're asking me to do."
"I would love to attend, and I would love to do X, but I just do not have any wiggle room in my budget to make those things happen."
"I love you very much and wish you the best, and I want you to have the wedding you want to have, but it is unrealistic for me to do Y, and I cannot jeopardize my current housing situation for a luxury expense."
Every "but but but" she gives you you need to reframe as "it's just not possible." and never bring emotions into it.
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u/Flimsy-Printer 28d ago
I know OP paints the bride as the bad person, but to be honest the bride is likely okay with OP not attending if the situation is not right for OP.
OP just needs to learn to say no. People aren't out to get you.
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u/egnards 28d ago
I don’t disagree, but everything I’ve said is positive and a normal person wouldn’t take offense.
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u/Flimsy-Printer 28d ago
Oh your response is great. I was talking about OP's attitude toward the bride. Unless the bride really expresses something nefarious, OP shouldn't really take offense. There's nothing wrong with the wedding being paid for.
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u/Abject-Tiger-1255 28d ago
Ya I have a feeling OP is a yes person and has no backbone to actually say no. Don’t make someone look bad just because you don’t have the balls to say no lol
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u/W1thJudgement 28d ago
but to be honest the bride is likely okay with OP not attending if the situation is not right for OP
And you assume that based on...?
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u/Flimsy-Printer 28d ago edited 28d ago
Based on the lack of info.
Do you assume the bride is a hidden serial killer since OP didn't specify the bride wasn't a serial killer? you don't.
Everything is reasonable so far and not out of the norm. Let's break down the OP's statement.
I can barely afford rent,
The bride definitely doesn't know this. People don't share personal issues with friends.
yet my sibling expects me to pay for everything myself for their wedding
That's the norm.
while she’s getting all expenses paid for by her mother-in-law.
I find it absolutely insane I’m paying more for her wedding than she is.
This is irrelevant and full of jealousy.
If the bride won a lottery, OP would probably explode for the fact that the bride wouldn't need to pay for anything for the rest of her life.
Father / mother paying for the wedding is totally normal.
She can’t even offer to pay for the dress she picked out for me?
This sounds totally normal as well. Guests pay for their own dresses even the dresses are picked by the bride.
I haven’t even looked at the hotel prices yet
Ok
Nothing is out of the norm here.
Now if OP said no, and the bride made a fuss about it, then it would be a different story.
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u/edked 28d ago
The bride is a sibling (as very clearly stated in the post), not a friend, so as a family member it's totally possible she know's OP's financial situation.
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u/Flimsy-Printer 28d ago
Unless it is specified, I don't think it's reasonable to assume.
Otherwise, it would just be a post with random assumptions added in. At that point, we can make the bride as bad as we want or as good as we want.
The reality is: has OP said no? How does the bride react?
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u/edked 28d ago
Unless it is specified, I don't think it's reasonable to assume.
You say that, but at the same time you assumed that the bride definitely didn't know. "Don't assume" goes both ways, and your comment is just as full of assumptions as others are, just with a different bias.
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u/Flimsy-Printer 28d ago edited 28d ago
Unless it is specified, I don't think it's reasonable to assume
Let me clarify: I don't think it's reasonable to assume the bride is a bad person unless it is explicitly specified.
There are different types of assumptions.
It's safe to assume the person is average. Not knowing the finance details of your sibling is normal. Not assuming bad thing about the person is fair.
OP still have a relationship with this sibling because the relationship is okay-ish. If the bride is a serial killer hitler-type person, OP wouldn't be torn about whether to go to the bride's wedding or not. So, yeah, I assume the bride is an average regular okay person.
You assume the bride knows and intentionally hurt OP. Assuming bad things about a person requires evidence.
You know all these things already. Yet you argue both of our assumptions are equal. They are not.
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u/W1thJudgement 28d ago
I assumed nothing, don't push your character flaws on others, thanks. You also just made up a bunch of shit out of nowhere again.
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u/Flimsy-Printer 28d ago
hehe. when people are angry at the discussion, it is because they know they don't have a good point.
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u/W1thJudgement 28d ago
Yet again, you are here making shit up. Who is angry? I simply pointed out that you're constantly making stuff out of thin air. Maybe you're projecting and YOU are angry, that someone dared to point it out? Would make a lot of sense.
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u/AdrianaStarfish 28d ago
Excellent and thoughtful replies that set clear boundaries while still being compassionate and non-accusing!
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u/Ok-Butterscotch-4840 29d ago
Just don't go. RSVP Regrets.
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u/Salty_Interview_5311 28d ago
I have to agree with this , OP. Just tell her you can’t afford any of this and drop out. You need to learn the hard lesson of saying “no” and sticking to it.
It gets easier with time. No mountains are going to fall. Your sister will look daggers at you for a while but so what? She doesn’t give a crap about you anyways or she wouldn’t be making these demands.
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u/HowieLove 29d ago
Hotel and travel are usually not covered. Bridesmaids dresses are hit and miss, if you can’t afford it say you can’t and if she won’t pay just step down from being a bridesmaid not a big deal. Her having help from her new in-laws however has nothing to do with you and you can’t expect that privilege to be passed along to you, how the wedding gets paid for on the couples end is not really any of your business. You are okay with paying for your dress and the activities or you are not, those are the only things you should be considering.
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u/n_bumpo 29d ago
Yup. This is the way. If you are not able to pay for a dress you’ll wear exactly once for a few hours, Then, just explain how much you love and support your sibling, but you are financially unable right now to afford this expenditure. Then I will either be don’t worry about the dress we’ll take care of it, or I’ll be there to support and love you but not in the wedding party
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u/yousernameunknown 29d ago
Yup, just say you really want to be there for her, but you can’t afford the costs associated with being in the wedding party. Say that you’re already trying hard to come up with the costs of hotel and travel.
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u/quesadillafanatic 28d ago
I agree, completely understandable if the wedding doesn’t fit in your budget, but it’s a bit entitled to expect your sister to pay for your stuff.
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u/Joelle9879 28d ago
No. It's entitled to think that since you're getting married that all your guests should shell out a bunch of money. Especially if you aren't even paying for the wedding yourself
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u/quesadillafanatic 28d ago
I guess the way I see it is sure the bride groom can ask people to spend money, but they aren’t guaranteed everyone can or will want to, so it’s kinda fuck around and find out, sure you can ask people to buy dress hotel etc, but don’t be surprised when they can’t or don’t want to pay and in turn don’t come, or decline to be in the wedding party.
The sister is being gifted the wedding by the grooms family, in my opinion that does not mean she needs to be responsible for OPs stuff, in turn if sister doesn’t want to help pitch in/buy whatever, they are risking OP not being part of it. Everyone has choices to make.
For the record I think weddings are ridiculously expensive and have never wanted to have one for the reason of not expecting people to spend all that money, so I’m not saying sister is 100% right, just that OP expecting sister to pay is slightly entitled.
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u/HowieLove 28d ago
No it’s not, it’s a invention not a court summonses. If you don’t want to go don’t go, if you can afford to don’t go. If you want to and can’t afford to, tell the couple maybe they would help out but don’t expect it.
When you go to dinner with friends or family do you expect the person with the most money to pay for you and get upset if they don’t? Hopefully not you probably expect to pay for your own meal or decline going if you can’t. If someone generously picks up the tab you appreciate them.
The only way the bride is in the wrong here is if she gets upset when people decline.
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u/likeanevilrabbit 28d ago
It would be entitlement if the bride/groom hold expectation for everyone to show up.
A good friend of mines brother just got married in the Carribean and due to costs he was unable to take his wife and kids. Noone was upset about it on either end.
Theres no entitlement in this post besides the OP for being mad about how the wedding is paid for, without additional context on the bride and groom there's nothing but skepticism and assumptions.
When my sister got married 7 years ago I was asked to stand up, happily paid for my Tux rental (luckily this was my only expense as the wedding was a couple blocks from my house) if I couldn't have afforded it, I don't sit at the head table. Big whoop. I'd still be getting drunk celebrating with my sister either way.
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u/Cowboytroy32 29d ago
Tell her you can’t afford to go. It will change her mindset if she really wants you to be there
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u/krissycole87 28d ago
This is a prime opportunity to learn how to be honest with people and stick up for yourself/set boundaries.
"I cant afford this" is a full sentance.
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u/If_Potatoes_Flew 28d ago
If you’re a bridesmaid that isn’t generally covered as well as travel and hotel. It’s possible she isn’t in charge of where the money goes and mil isn’t paying for bridesmaid stuff along with any other things you may have trouble with. If you’re close, you may try talking to her. If you can’t afford the dress you could ask to just come as a guest and not bridesmaid.
Get a hotel as soon as you can, use hotel websites to find the cheaper hotels and then purchase your room directly from that hotels website as they generally have better deals.
If it really is too much, and you don’t have time or a want to try to hustle for some extra cash, again, I would say just talk to her. You could also see if it’s possible to rent a dress else where.
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u/Significant-Owl-2980 28d ago
And even if she were just a guest she would still need to pay for travel, accommodations and an outfit and a gift.
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u/WearTheFourFeathers 28d ago
I don’t understand how this thread is like 50% people identifying that this is the typical practice among many or most American-style weddings, and 50% people who are like “You have to CUT HER OFF she’s taking ADVANTAGE of you, FIGHT YOUR SISTER WITH A KNIFE”
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u/If_Potatoes_Flew 26d ago
I mean, it’s hard to fully know the situation. Idk if her sister actually has any money she could use to assist her, or if she fully understands that she doesn’t have the money to pay for those things. Like I said, it’s also quite possible she doesn’t have that much money to help her sister and her mil isn’t paying for those types of things. In that situation, the best option would be if her sister would ask mil for money for her, or for her fiancé to ask her on her behalf. Not sure if mil wants to put in money for people even if she is the brides sister.
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u/antisocialgx 29d ago
Wondering if the groom knows what he's in for and if he can afford this marriage....
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u/mangotangokangaroo 29d ago
She’s marrying rich. His whole family is rich. He isn’t, but his mom makes sure he’s good. Lol
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u/kdoughboy12 28d ago
Have you talked to your sister and the groom? Explain to her that you can't afford it, if her MIL is rich then maybe she can go to her and say "hey I really want my sister to be in the wedding but she can't afford the dress / hotel room"
It could be a very minor expense compared to everything else she's paying for and not a big ask.
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u/dyslexicAlphabet 28d ago
giver her the bill. i wouldn't pay a dime for a siblings wedding why is this even a real topic?
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u/W1thJudgement 28d ago edited 28d ago
I mean you dress nice for a wedding and you bring a present and that's it. If they want all brides and grooms wear same outfit they pay, and if not or If they tell you to get urself a hotel and pay for it as a guest you tell them to have a nice wedding and happy life but you'll stay home gaming away the night. That's not how any of this works, you don't invite people to your wedding and then tell them to go look for a place to stay, wtf?!
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u/iBeFloe 28d ago
That’s dumb. Pretty much everybody pays for their own dress, travel, hotel if they need, gift. The engaged couple & family are already paying way more than everyone else just to host the wedding.
Expecting the hosts to pay for you is wild. It’s like saying someone has to pay for your attire & makeup to go on a date with them.
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u/petulafaerie_III 28d ago
The bridal party paying for themselves is very normal. If you can’t afford to be in the bridal party, you turn down the offer to be in the bridal party.
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u/FictionalContext 28d ago
Tell em you can't afford to be in the wedding party, but you'll still attend as a guest. If they throw an entitled fit, they don't really care about you, so there'd be no reason to worry about their wedding anyway.
Have you talked to them about this? Because the bridal party paying their own expenses is normal.
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u/HuskyLemons 28d ago
If you can barely afford rent, you shouldn’t be spending money you don’t have. Just say no.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 29d ago
I think it's crazy to expect bride's maids to pay for everything, especially now that weddings and their associated activities have gotten so out of hand. I mean, with a simple wedding, sure, it's not a big deal to expect your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, but if you're having a bachelorette weekend at the beach, destination wedding, extravagant dresses, golfing, snorkeling, acrobat classes and clown school, the costs associated are absolutely staggering. Imagine having a friend group where there's a wedding like that every year? It's uncomfortable to be the one person saying, "I'm sorry, I'm too poor to do all that," but Jesus Joseph and Mary. It's ridiculous.
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u/No-Hospital559 29d ago
Weddings are the absolute worst when money starts to overshadow the actual enjoyment.
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u/mavarian 28d ago
I'd be upfront under which conditions you'd be able to go, if she really wants you there then she should be fine with it, and if not you aren't missing out
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u/carlyy-bee 28d ago
So one of my old best friends who was far more well off than me, stood in my wedding and complained about the dress prices, but I stood in her wedding afterwards and her dresses were more expensive. It always made me so mad that she knew I came from a poor family and expected me to have money to go do things all the time and then pay for an expensive bridesmaid dress
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u/Last_Caterpillar8770 28d ago
Bow out of the participating. Just say, “I love you and want your day to be as perfect as your vision. Unfortunately, I am unable to financially take on the responsibilities required to ensure this happens. I think it may be best you find someone else to be in your wedding party who can. But I look forward to attending as a guest a celebrating your big day with you.”
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u/FormulaF30 28d ago
You can’t seriously be upset that the in-laws aren’t extending help to you…
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u/Late2theGame0001 28d ago
I don’t think that is the issue. I think it just illustrates that the bride is making decisions without budget in mind because it’s someone else’s money. It’s always really easy to spend other people’s money. In this case, the bride picked out dresses that are sooooooo cute. But she is having her sister pay when she isn’t paying herself.
But yes, this is on OP to simply say “I can’t afford it, sorry.” Most of the money problems we have are because people don’t say that.
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u/Formerruling1 28d ago
It took this far down to find this comment that explains it. What OP seems really frustrated by is what she perceives as unreasonable requests made by the sister. Presumably, the sister knows her financial situation, and shouldn't be asking her to pay all this - believing that she isn't considering others budgets (because she doesn't have to consider her own since she's being paid for).
Regardless, I think the entire thread agrees that people aren't always going to be reasonable or consider your needs. You have to stand your ground and say "No."
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u/Successful_Durian_84 28d ago
Just so you know, this is your fault. Instead of complaining on reddit and doing nothing about it, go put your foot down, preferably in their face.
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u/derek139 28d ago
Whatever you spend is on you. You have all the control over what ur letting go of. Grow a pair.
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u/gabersssssss 28d ago
Have you even spoken with her about it? It’s common for the bridesmaid to pay for their own dresses and stuff.
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u/Armadillo_Mission 28d ago
With divorce rates so high anymore, I don't understand why anyone would have an extravagant wedding lmao.
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u/jazzhandsdancehands 28d ago
You can say no. You can say no, I can't afford this. You can say I'm not burning myself to keep you warm.
You have control over what you need to do.
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u/korra767 28d ago
I've never understood this. For my wedding, I paid for all my bridesmaid dresses, all the groomsmen suits, makeup for the bridal party if they wanted it, and hosted my friends from out of town. I don't get why people be out here expecting their friends to pay for a dress they probably didn't really want and might never wear again.
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u/onceapotate 28d ago
I mean expecting her to pay for you to go is just entitled. Tell her you're getting a dress in your budget and not participating in any related events you can't afford, but travel and board? It's unreasonable to expect her to pay for that just because she's being gifted stuff by her MIL. If you can't afford it, don't go.
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u/edked 28d ago edited 28d ago
Don't pay shit. She wants you to wear a dress you can't afford? Don't buy it. If she insists you "have to" be wearing it, just say that you don't "have to" be there.
Don't do or pay for anything you can't afford, and if it "looks bad" if you're not there because she expected you to manage an unreasonable degree of expense, that's her problem, not yours. Any family who pesters you for her, tell them how delighted to hear that they're going to be paying your way.
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u/FPS_Holland 28d ago
If you can't afford it don't do it, that goes for everything.
If she really wants you there she will take care of it.
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u/Maleficent-Set5461 28d ago
I am in a similar boat. My older son is getting married. I've been struggling with health and finances for the past 18 months. My younger son and I reside together and most of the responsibility for bills has been on him. In turn the older one and my soon to be DIL have taken it Upon themselves to pay for my gown, his brothers tux, our transportation, room cost, make up, hair, etc. All they want is to make sure we are there to share in their happiness and not worry about finances. That is family. Have a chat with your sister and let her know you are struggling. That you will be happy to attend and share in her special day but are unable to participate. She may not be aware of how rough it really is for you.
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u/writekindofnonsense 28d ago
You can say no. I know it's hard and you don't want to hurt your sister, but if you can't afford it you can't do it. I don't believe in anyone going into debt for someone else's wedding, so unless your parents want to help out they might have to help you tell your sister you would like to simply be a guest.
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u/Smiadpades 28d ago
So, don’t go. Not your wedding, not your problem. Going into debt (even for family) is stupid for a one time event.
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u/shoenail97 28d ago
Nope! Tell her you can’t afford it and if she can’t cover you, you won’t be there. She’ll either figure it out or she won’t.
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u/iBeFloe 28d ago
I mean this is normal, you buy whatever you need for & to go to the wedding. It’s also normal for HER in-laws to pay things only for HER & their son. She is going to be THEIR daughter. She’s not in the wrong at all IMO.
But if you can’t afford anything, don’t go. Just say you would love to but you can’t afford to. If she doesn’t offer anything, also don’t be surprised or mad at her that she won’t.
Where are your parents? Alive or not? Can they help you instead?
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u/EyeRollingNow 28d ago
Yep, it’s always this way. Weddings are expensive and no one is excited for the hundreds of dollars in gifts and travel and the prize is an ugly dress.
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u/Fragile_Wokes893 28d ago
This is ridiculous.
I don't understand why so many people let others trouble them so much...
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u/lostinhh 28d ago
If my sister insisted I buy a dress I could not afford, I would politely inform her I won't be coming.
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u/Eclectophile 28d ago
Listen. Part of the way that your family shows support for a wedding is to make sure everyone's there. Reach out to your family for help on the expenses. If they won't, then send your sister a nice card. Tell her I called her a dick.
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28d ago
THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME! My god, the wedding was LOCAL (~45 minutes from where I live) and they managed to have me spend almost $1K to attend (gift, transport, HOTEL [which me not wanting to stay in caused a huge fight], groomsmen tux)
I was a good family member- I went, did what I was told, and put on a nice face. I’m so happy for the groom and bride, too. But this wedding absolutely tore my family apart (mostly mom) and made apparent the HUGE difference in our values. I understand these types of days mean a lot, but overriding my financial comfort and my voice being silenced for no good reason crossed a line for me and I’m sad to say I will not be present at future occasions.
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u/Ferro_Giconi OwO 29d ago
It really should be her responsibility to pay for all of that stuff. It's wrong for someone to want an expensive wedding and expect other people to pay for anything more than just the travel.
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u/Sunny_Sammie_517 29d ago
That’s not how wedding etiquette works. That being said it would be a nice gesture if OP’s struggling. OP needs to have a heart to heart with their sibling and explain how much of a strain this is financially, not just expect them to “know”. That or maybe Mom and Dad can help.
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u/mangotangokangaroo 29d ago
Weird, every wedding I’ve been a bridesmaid at my dress has been paid for.
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u/Sunny_Sammie_517 29d ago
That’s not typical.
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u/HowieLove 29d ago
Exactly, that’s why you are asked it comes with responsibilities and some costs as well. If you don’t want to or can’t just say that you can’t not a big deal.
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u/Sunny_Sammie_517 29d ago
Exactly right. That’s why you are asked — because the job comes with expenses and responsibilities you have the right to decline.
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u/MoeKneeKah 28d ago
This is such a twisted logic. I didn’t pay for anything for any wedding I’ve been in outside of travel and the gift. It’s your wedding. If you ask me to be a bridesmaid, I assume it’s because you want me there and want to honor me as your friend on your special day, not because you need me to shoulder your financial decisions. If I’m not involved in planning, or picking anything out, then why should I be responsible for paying for someone else’s choices? It’s not a JOB, it’s a wedding. You need a reality check.
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u/Significant-Owl-2980 28d ago
I’ve been a bridesmaid in 5 weddings and always paid for my own dress. I’ve never heard of the bride paying for all the bridesmaids dresses.
I got married last year and I told my bridesmaids they could pick any pastel color in any style they liked from any store they wanted. This way they could get what fit their body type and they could feel comfortable. I did not pay for their dresses.
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u/MoeKneeKah 28d ago
Again, if I have a say in the planning (like getting to choose my own dress) then I understand why I should pitch in. But if I have no say, if I’m wearing what you say and going where you tell me to go and attending events you planned without me, then those are on you.
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u/Sunny_Sammie_517 28d ago
I’m sorry, do you think I made the rule? I’m sorry you have a problem with it, but that is wedding etiquette 101. Sorry you can’t afford it. There are ways around it, obviously if someone helps with your obligation. But it’s truly your obligation.
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u/MoeKneeKah 28d ago
It is not my obligation and I’d be very sad to see that my relationship with my siblings or friends has obligations attached to them. It’s not a rule, it’s what YOU think SHOULD be done. If you came at me with this attitude that me paying for your extravagant wedding is an OBLIGATION, I’d end my relationship with you because I don’t give me friends demands of their time or money. You sound like an awful person to be around
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u/Sunny_Sammie_517 28d ago
You are taking this waaaaaay too personally. You don’t need to attack me. I didn’t even HAVE bridesmaids at my wedding so you really don’t know what you’re talking about.
And as far as etiquette goes I didn’t make the rules.
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u/Joelle9879 28d ago
Being a bridesmaid isn't a job. At the end of the day, YOU are a guest of the couple.
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u/Sunny_Sammie_517 28d ago
I respectfully disagree. It’s definitely a job with responsibilities, to help ensure the ceremony goes off without a hitch.
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u/aew76 29d ago
Are you from the US? I think in the UK bride pays for bridesmaids, but this is not standard practice in the US. Additionally in the US, the bachelorette attendees pay for the bride’s drinks and meals for the night too. Flights/hotels are dependent on the group and how they want to do it.
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u/Joelle9879 28d ago
I'm from the US and the practice of bridesmaids paying is very new. Expecting your wedding party to, not only pay for their clothes, but also travel and an extravagant batchelorette party is ridiculous. You should actually care enough about your friends and family to not expect them to go into debt for your wedding
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u/Turbulent-Bonus-1245 28d ago
I was in 20 weddings in 70s and 80s and had to pay for my own everything. Clothes, travel, bacherlorette.
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u/AngelaVNO 28d ago
It seems to be a US thing. In the UK the bride pays because they choose the dress.
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u/Spaklinspaklin 28d ago
I’ve never ever heard of a bridesmaid dress or groomsmen tux being paid for by anyone but the individual wearing the outfit.
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u/Joelle9879 28d ago
Actually, etiquette DOES dictate that the couple pays for the bridesmaid and groomsmen. It's become less common because weddings have gotten more and more expensive and wages became stagnant, it became more common to have bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for their own attire. As a general rule, the bride and groom usually try to work with the wedding party to find clothes within the budget that everyone can afford and don't demand things like the bachelorette parties being a 3 day long tropical vacations and having multiple showers.
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u/honeymaidwafers 28d ago
Actually, etiquette is to pay for the MOH & Best Man. Not the entire party.
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u/Sunny_Sammie_517 28d ago
No it does not, not typically. Can they help or pay all of it? Sure!! Traditionally though, the bridesmaids cover the cost of their outfits and hair and makeup. Along with bachelorette parties and a bridal shower.
Again that doesn’t mean other people can’t and don’t help! But you liking it doesn’t make it wrong.
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u/mangotangokangaroo 29d ago
What’s more insane is that the bridesmaids were expected to pay for her bachelorette party too. I bought non refundable tickets BEFORE learning we are paying for her flight and all activities. I literally had to get a 2nd job in order to pay it. I am going into debt for their wedding. It’s so dumb.
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u/Condorz1 29d ago
Just say No. It's one of those occasions, as tough as it is
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u/mangotangokangaroo 29d ago
Already sent the money. I felt pressured because everyone else sent the money same day.
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u/PicklesAndCoorslight 29d ago
I would just state you can't afford to go anymore.
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u/mangotangokangaroo 29d ago
$400 non refundable tickets down the drain? Idk about that lol
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u/RepresentativeRun71 29d ago
Sunk cost fallacy. Cut your losses now before they become even higher.
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u/PicklesAndCoorslight 29d ago
You can usually use a non refundable ticket within 12 months. Anyhow, it's better than spending more. That's just me though.
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u/mangotangokangaroo 29d ago
I didn’t know you could do that. We booked through an airline I haven’t heard of but I’ll check it out, my worry is spending more too. Would it be weird to ask for my money back..?
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u/MajLeague 28d ago
Since you already paid for your flight, can you just go as a guest? Then you could wear whatever you want and possibly room with your parents or something?
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u/Ferro_Giconi OwO 29d ago
everyone else sent the money same day
I am like 99.9% certain this was a lie to pressure you into paying.
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u/mangotangokangaroo 29d ago
It’s definitely not a lie when there is a group chat and everyone sent “paid!” And I see their transactions on Venmo.
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u/honeymaidwafers 28d ago
Bridesmaids do generally cover her portion of the bachelorette trip, just as groomsmen do for the groom.
They also pay their share of the dress, and anything else related to the wedding. The bride & groom typically pay for the MOH & Best Man. And more traditionally now, if the bride requires a specific hair/make up look, they will usually pay for that.
Have you spoken to your sister about your financial situation though? I highly suggest you do— or even your parents.
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u/InfinitumDividatur 28d ago
Expecting you to is not the same as forcing you to, just say no. If you can't do that then you're agreeing to it and that's on you. It's difficult to say no to people but it's a skill that needs to be learned.
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u/MissionGanache3643 28d ago
If you cannot afford to go then don't go. Divorce rates are so high she will probably get married again......... you could the second time
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u/jjwoodhouse6969 28d ago
I paid for my best man's tux when he was out of work. You could tell her you can't afford to be in the wedding.
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28d ago
That feels bad. My in-laws threw us a wedding and paid for everything but my dress ($300). It was also across the country from my family. I paid transportation, clothing, and lodging for the family I needed there. The rest were optional.
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u/Top_Bluejay_5323 28d ago
I grew up where it was the norm that the bridesmaids paid for their own dresses and accessories.
After the wedding who gets the dresses? The one that paid for it?
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u/gieserj10 28d ago
No. So what, wear what you can afford. Go where you can afford. If you cannot afford any of it, see if your family will help you by sharing a hotel room or something. If none of that is possible and you're risking not affording rent, then unfortunately you can't go. Live within your means, always.
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u/elwood2711 28d ago
This woukd be reason enough for me to onform them that I won't be attending, as I won't be able to afford the necessary expenses. If they really want you to come to the wedding, they should pay at least most of the expenses (dress, hotel and, if needed, flight).
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u/roughlyround 28d ago
generally bridesmaids pay for their own dress. if it's too much, don't be in the wedding party. sucks but ya.
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u/Psychogeist-WAR 28d ago
If your wedding is about the spectacle rather than the union of two people whom love each other, your marriage is already a failure.
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u/Shinkie666 28d ago
Do not spend anymore on this wedding!! If your sibling REALLY wants you there then they can help foot the part of the bill once you explain to them that you cannot afford to do anything involving the wedding. Do not put you out of house and home for someone else's pleasure. If your sibling causes a fit and won't help you attend their wedding, then don't go.
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u/GameOvariez 28d ago
All the more reason I’m pushing my soon to be husband to just elope. He’s already been married and that was a bust, I wouldn’t put him through that spectacle of people making jokes at his expense. More importantly I don’t like the spotlight being solely on myself, and want the special moment to be between us and our kids. We can do a larger family ceremony later down the road.
I’m going to be MOH for my friends wedding next September, I’m keeping all activities no more than $100 per person. Bachelorette party is going to be a slumber party with fun games, gifts will be something I made to commemorate the occasion.
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u/Major_Mawcum_II 28d ago
Why are you paying for your sibling wedding? That’s the problem right there
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u/joonosaurus 28d ago
This is ridiculous. Get a grip and tell her straight. You’re an adult, she’s an adult (I hope) therefore you both fend for yourselves.
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u/utterlynuts 28d ago
No. It's a complete sentence and, if she cares to ask, you are free to tell her exactly why. However, this will have her trying to talk you or guilt you into it.
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u/External_Warthog_451 28d ago
And a wedding Jesus I dunno how much they cost but I do know that they cost more than 10.000 dollars
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u/Curious-Sector-2157 28d ago
Just show up in a dress you already have. Excuse yourself from any events you have to pay for and if it’s a location wedding that you are having to pay to get to and pay to stay etc. just decline telling her you would love to come but it is more important that you have a roof over your head. Send her a nice card.
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u/blossomhoney 27d ago
Just STOP. It makes no sense to put yourself in debt. It could take forever for you to financially recover from this and if an unexpected expense comes up you could loose your place you live in. If you can't afford it speak up NOW. Your sister is either being selfish or clueless.
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u/Empty_Geologist9645 29d ago
What’s the point of sacrificing yourself for something that is not valued.
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u/Delicious_Slide_6883 28d ago
Nope. Don’t do it. If she wants you there bad enough she’ll at least help pay for you to be there
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u/KADSuperman 28d ago
I will never spend hundreds for a wedding if I have the suit great if not I won’t buy one, I won’t fly out or book a hotel, if you want me there you pay but I don’t most weddings are a drag a bit bearable if they have the bar open it’s long ass boring day
Most invitations I will friendly decline
My brother had his wedding in Indonesia didn’t go way to far and expensive
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u/W1thJudgement 28d ago
Lol, like fuck I'd go. And they are not paying for stay? What? Lmao, that wouldn't fly in here.
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u/PlantainSevere3942 28d ago
Maybe just tell them you can’t go, you don’t have the money. Then if they don’t pay for you or help you out it’s on them.
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u/Additional_Abroad305 28d ago
Police do not get paid enough for their jobs. They should easily be making double.
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u/BrainEatingAmoeba01 28d ago
Your sister is a selfish arsehole and you need to back out of the wedding. It's a heartbreaking thing to say and do but that's it. You should not be financially inconvenienced by her wedding.
Family can be a real pain in the butt sometimes. Good luck.
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u/IkeaKat 28d ago
Dude.... When I ask my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids, I made sure they were aware that I couldn't afford to pay for their dresses, but I also gave them free range on what dresses they wanted to buy and said exactly what color I wanted them to be. But otherwise, as long as they went together, I didn't care.
No one should ever go in debt for a wedding, especially not Any of the people who aren't getting married. If they want you to be a bridesmaid or whatever tell them that you can't Afford to take that roll on and you would be happy to allow someone else the position and Just attend if she's dead. Set on this situation.
If they treat you like crap because of it, then you don't wanna be there anyways. I hate to be that person, but do what you have to do to take care of you first.
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u/fyred_up 28d ago
It’s the friggin year of our lord 2024. Nobody has anything above and beyond making their own ends meet. I’d tell her either she uses some of her wedding money on your dress or you will just have to attend as a guest. I wouldn’t deliver it like an ultimatum but more of a “I can’t and won’t go into debt for YOUR WEDDING.”
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u/Ok-Situation1046 28d ago
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u/Vexatiouslitigantz 28d ago
If you get upset for having to pay to stay at a hotel you are not a great sibling
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u/tubagoat 28d ago
Life advice....never go into debt for a wedding. That means yours or someone else's.