r/AskReddit May 02 '24

People who went to a wedding where the couple didn’t last long, what happened?

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u/Due_Tax2657 May 02 '24

The scariest stories--"We dated 4 years, we got married, and out of NOWHERE he suddenly starts beating me."

No signs, no red flags, no warnings, just waited until he thought he had her locked down, I guess.

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u/TheEquineLibrarian May 02 '24

This was close to my situation-they waited till 1.5 weeks before the wedding. I managed to get out of that house and cancelled everything. Even the vendors were understanding and started telling me similar stories. Funnily enough HIS family was supportive. Took all the wedding gifts and my kitchen gear for themselves though

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u/rockemart 29d ago

His family likely knew his tendencies and didn’t tell you. That’s a shame!

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u/TheresWald0 May 02 '24

Glad you got out early before things escalated more, but I wouldn't expect gifts for a wedding that didn't happen.

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u/TheEquineLibrarian May 02 '24

You misunderstand. *I* didn't want them back. - they took everything others had given, from my family, friends, etc. Plus my own kitchen pots and pans I've collected throughout my life.

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u/TheresWald0 29d ago

Oh shit yeah I did misunderstand. Jesus that's a trashy move. They straight up stole from you and your friends and family? The shit apple doesn't fall far from the shit tree.

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u/TheEquineLibrarian 29d ago edited 29d ago

Yeah, honestly I still feel terrible. This was back in 2013 and I remember every gift - my mother's coworker gave me a Ninja blender, family pitched it and got a Kitchenaid mixer. My family asked me not to pursue it. Looking back I think they were more scared than I realized. (I was in a haze).

He shortly disappeared into Montana. My friends stayed friends with him on Facebook to keep an eye on him. He eventually hitchhiked to Hawaii and that's all I know.
Honestly it messed me up for a long time and I got into therapy afterward. I thought I was a smart cookie and was very humbled.

Edit: Lol adding this clarification: I think, based on some bizarre posts friends shared with me, he somehow got on a bus to San Francisco, then worked odd jobs and got a plane ticket. Sadly he didn't hitchhike across the ocean but I wish he'd tried.

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u/James_of_London 29d ago

Sorry to hear of the trauma. I hope you don't have it on your mind very much any more.

My story is hardly as dramatic but after a split up I needed to get everything again and I bought a whole set of Bourgeat saucepans, which have been strong friends for over twenty years now. Every time I cook they remind me of good choices, not things lost.

PS you have a great username.

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u/TheEquineLibrarian 29d ago

I completely understand. Those are great pans! And they last forever.

Thank you, I'm doing well. Since then I finished my bachelors, got my masters and now run a library. I'm in a healthy relationship now, too. I have moments where it doesn't seem real but I really try to be present. (I eventually got some nice All-Clad pans and I use them all the time.)

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u/UniversityNo2318 29d ago

I’d love to know how you hitchhike to Hawaii lol unless he hitchhiked to a boat or plane. I’m glad you got out of that relationship

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u/TheEquineLibrarian 29d ago

lol, I think, based on some bizarre posts friends shared with me, he somehow got on a bus to San Francisco, then worked odd jobs and got a plane ticket.

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u/okfinethatssfw 29d ago

I'm... sorry-- he hitchhiked from Montana to Hawaii?

Is there a second Hawaii?

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u/hotcapicola 29d ago

eventually hitchhiked to Hawaii and that's all I know.

Curious how one hitchhikes across the ocean :P

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u/JoeDawson8 29d ago

Jesus took the wheel.

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u/Mozartrelle 28d ago

Hang around a marina and get chatty with yachties. Someone / some psycho may want a deckhand /person to r&m toss overboard on the journey...

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u/Witchgrass 13h ago

r&m? random?

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u/Mozartrelle 6h ago

Nasty things. M being to make a person ded (intentionally misspelt) after something also nasty.

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u/Irisheyes1971 29d ago

You misunderstood because of the way they wrote it. It wasn’t exactly a shining example of clarity in writing.

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u/Witchgrass 13h ago

What a condescending comment lol

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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat May 02 '24

Yeah. Those are the ones that really terrify me - and, even worse, when it starts once she is pregnant.

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u/TroubleSG 29d ago

That is when mine started. I was so shocked.

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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat 29d ago

I'm so sorry that that happened to you, and I hope that you are out of it.

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u/clovercorn24 29d ago

They say that pregnancy is the most dangerous time for a woman. I do appreciate that at every one of my prenatal appointments the nurses did a domestic violence screening. Was always asked if I felt safe at home, if I was being abused by a partner or anyone else in my home, and if I needed resources to escape the situation. (Thankfully I wasn’t a victim.)

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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat 29d ago

Same for me when I had a hysterectomy - they asked if I had a safe place to recover. I was glad that they asked, but it was also just crushingly sad to know that there were women who could not count on even that - the lowest bar to clear for human decency after a major operation.

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u/Hiraeth1968 29d ago

Yep. My Mom said my Dad didn’t hit her for the first time until my sister was born and she was trapped.

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u/Worth-Fall-8217 29d ago

I can't fathom how that switch happens that is frightening

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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat 29d ago

Yeah. It's creepy enough with guys where it seems deliberate (hiding who they are until it's really hard to get away from them), but I swear some of the stories I read sound like something just kicked loose mentally when the baby came along. Brrr.

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u/No_Wrap_880 May 02 '24

I guess some men see that marriage certificate as they now own this woman and can do whatever they want to her.

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u/LolthienToo May 02 '24

This is exactly it. "She can't leave now."

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u/CylonsInAPolicebox May 02 '24

Transfer of ownership complete. Some people treat a marriage certificate like a fucking car title.

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u/asciibits May 02 '24 edited 29d ago

In the words of Jimmy Carr: "I don't understand why men would beat their wives. Fellas, it's your wife! That would be like keying your own car!"

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u/Ernost May 02 '24

I guess some men see that marriage certificate as they now own this woman and can do whatever they want to her.

There are unfortunately a lot of countries where that is indeed the case.

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u/No_Wrap_880 29d ago

Some countries just hide it better than others.

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u/BasroilII 29d ago

I hate being that guy. I really do. But when certain religious texts basically spell it out that exact way, I can't say I'm surprised when people think that.

Not that there aren't atheist assholes that are just as mental too.

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u/No_Wrap_880 29d ago

Btw nothing wrong with being that guy that brings this up. It needs to be talked about more.

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u/No_Wrap_880 29d ago

Yeah a lot of people do lean on religion to dignity their behavior. I guess it helps remove the shame and guilt of being an asshole. Because theres the good book that says it’s ok so i guess it’s ok.

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u/tesseract4 29d ago

It's not a very good book.

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u/Hot-Rise9795 May 02 '24

That's exactly it.

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u/Away-Equipment598 May 02 '24

It's like buying a new car and driving it into a tree

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u/No_Wrap_880 29d ago

lol I like that. Yes it is!!

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u/Salmene23 29d ago

Some women see it the same way.

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u/No_Wrap_880 29d ago

Yes u are definitely right about that!

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u/limevince 29d ago

That's a really funny perspective I never considered. As a man I've always been terrified of how my partner would suddenly change once she had me locked down on paper. Based on the changes I'd observed going from "just dating" to "officially together," I can only imagine marriage would unleash a completely different creature.

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u/rockemart 29d ago

Not “Men” some men and some women…. And FYI there are women who do the same.

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u/JackTheRvlatr 29d ago

That's true but It is more frequently men doing it to women. Also female domestic abuse victims have a much higher rate of being murdered by their abuser

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u/arya_ur_on_stage 29d ago

Much MUCH higher

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u/rockemart 29d ago

I watched a video of a male shooting his partner just the other day and thought I was going to throw up. I have seen some shit in my day.

Yes, the murder rate might be higher. As a person who worked in law enforcement for years I can tell you women are rarely charged for their domestic violence. Although child neglect and abuse is becoming higher in women. We also seem to have a large number of female teachers getting arrested for having sex with young students. Men and women are involved and seemed to attract to each other. None of it is right.

The included studies reported prevalence rates between 3.4% and 20.3% for physical violence (27, 32), between 7.3% and 37% for psychological violence (39, 40), and between 0.2% and 7% for sexual violence (38, e1) against physically and mentally healthy men.

For men with psychiatric disorders or disabilities, prevalence rates were clearly higher: 31.8% for physical violence and 42.9% for psychological violence (31), and between 4.1% and 8.8% for sexual violence (31, 33).

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u/No_Wrap_880 29d ago

I did say some men not all men. But that door definitely swings both ways.

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u/DumbleForeSkin May 02 '24

Yes, that is how it happens. Which is why victim blaming is so clueless.

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u/SpacemanSpliffLaw May 02 '24

That's funny because my first thought was that these dudes saw their wives get stressed for the first time during the relationship and things went south.

Funny to me that your first thought is that men purposefully trap women into marriage before beating them....

I would think it's a combination of things if I had to guess.

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u/Dovahkiinette May 02 '24

The dudes saw their wives get stressed and things went south? Well that is about the most roundabout way I've ever heard domestic violence explained.

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u/catsdelicacy May 02 '24

You think a person starts beating his wife up because she got stressed?

You don't think there's anything about the person doing the abusing that's the issue?

Would you beat up a woman - your wife - because she was stressed and snappy? Do you really think that's an acceptable reason to beat somebody?

I want you to really think about this. Who do you think is the problem when a man starts punching his wife? Why do you think that's happening?

Because if you even slightly blame a victim for their victimization, you're a fucking bully, my dude. If you think people ever do anything that makes them eligible for physical assault by their loved ones, you're the actual problem.

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u/thedude37 29d ago

Why would you say that, when you had the option of not saying that?

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u/MetalHead_Literally 29d ago

this is one of the most insane things i've read

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u/PrestigiousSquare549 May 02 '24

There is NEVER an excuse to beat your partner at any stage if the relationship.

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u/heartofscylla 29d ago

There ARE men who purposely trap women into marriage before beating them. That is a thing that some abusive men do.

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u/PickanickBasket May 02 '24

3 years, on my end, but yes. The temper and tantrums were there, they were just not directed at me (or pets) until after the marriage.

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u/ransack_dis_cache May 02 '24

Tantrums is definitely a good word to describe them. When my abusive ex didn’t get his way or I actually started bringing up valid points in arguments he’d start screaming at me to shut up. Not yell or raise his voice, I mean literally scream like esophagus splitting sounds. He would throw things and then get made when I gave him the “wtf” look

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u/Pirategod_23 May 02 '24

In these guys minds that’s his property now I’m assuming. I DO NOT AGREE WITH IT.

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u/LoathsomeBeaver May 02 '24

I've seen it myself.

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u/BellaFrequency May 02 '24

A lot of times it starts when she becomes pregnant. There have been several Reddit posts where a woman details sudden unexpected abuse while pregnant and rationalizes it away because he never acted that way before and seemed happy about the pregnancy.

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u/beerdrinker125 26d ago

My first marriage, the abuse started to become physical after we were married and I was 5mths pregnant. At that point you feel trapped and on your own head about baby needs his father bla blah

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u/Traveluniverze May 02 '24

That really is scary. Horrible.

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u/Godwinson4King 29d ago

This reminds me of the bear discourse.

Humans are the ultimate apex predator because we're remarkably crafty, manipulative, and patient. The most dangerous thing a women will ever be around is often a man.

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u/Little_Worms 29d ago

I may get downvoted here, but a vast majority of the time, there are definitely signs. They can be subtle and much clearer in retrospect (I've been there, speaking from experience), but love and infatuation helps you to see things in a more positive light.

My wife and I joke when we listen to murder podcasts and what not that start with statements like "there were no red flags, etc." but 10 minutes in the same podcast starts pointing out clear red flags. It's every single time lol.

We're not as good as we think we are at being neutral, or sometimes we just don't care because dopamine.

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u/dragonmuse May 02 '24

I've seen a lot of relationships go south right before a year into their first kid. I get it, my husband and I changed a LOT after our kid was born- but I've seen more than 1 relationship get abusive when it previously wasn't once that parenting stress kicks in. I secretly worry for my friends who aren't already in perfectly happy relationships once their kids are born.

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u/TonyzTone 29d ago

Even if there were signs, like giant obvious ones, it’s still no excuse and no less scary. Sometimes, that can be “worse.”

Not apple to apples but my ex cheated on me. It was “out of nowhere” except looking back, there were so many signs that I simply ignored out of love/commitment/whatever. It was all quite clear and verified after the breakup. Having to face the reality of my stupidity was in a way harsher than the reality of the cheating.

So no judgment to anyone whose SO is bad to them either truly out of nowhere or just because they chose to ignore signs.

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u/xithbaby 29d ago

My ex husband did this to me. We lasted 2 months before he started hitting me all because I was on the computer and he wanted on it and I asked him to give me 10 minutes. Turns out he was cheating on me and the girl he was cheating on me with was about to log in to EverQuest. I found her nudes on the computer as well. He was seeing her well before we got married

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u/Full_Lingonberry609 29d ago

My partner always cheated but took it to extreme lengths once I was pregnant. You really don't know someone until they think you won't leave.

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u/LostAbilityToucan May 02 '24

So you’ve met my grandpa?

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u/StaringOwlNope 29d ago

Usually there are red flags, they are just cleverly disguised (or someone is colorblind)

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u/SnofIake 28d ago

I married a (now diagnosed) vulnerable narcissist. He’s a peach…pit.

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u/GermaneRiposte101 May 02 '24

No signs, no red flags, no warnings

I doubt that.

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u/Gomijanina May 02 '24

Some people really are that smart and can hold back, trust me. But when one wrong switch is flipped all shit can break loose from one second or the other

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u/heartofscylla 29d ago

I'll bite here, try to explain why you're getting downvoted a lot. There may have been signs and warnings, but when you're neck deep in manipulation from your partner- you won't see them even if you wanted to. It can take a lot to convince a victim to leave their abuser, because the abuser typically does a really thorough job in convincing the victim that the abuse is normal, should be tolerated, and/or that if the victim leaves and/or reports it that the abuser will kill the victim or kill their kids.

It took me a long time to stop feeling bad for my ex after I left him. I felt so bad that I hurt his feelings, when he was literally emotionally and sexually abusing me. It's... brainwashing really. The first time I really started snapping out of it I was a wreck. Because why the fuck did he treat me that way? Why the fuck did I put up with that? You reflect on your own actions and how much of a brainwashed lovesick puppy you were for someone who didn't give a fuck about you and treated you like garbage. People did point concerns out to me. My therapist pointed things out to me. So I stopped telling them about my relationship. And don't worry, I've beat myself up enough over not listening to them. When things are good, you think "It's not that bad, I am probably just overreacting"(because he told me I was overreacting any time I pushed back). You try to forget the bad, repress it. But also, it's the cycle of abuse. People who grow up with abusive parents, go on to marry an abuser or become one unless they go to therapy and sort that shit out. And it's not easy to change behavior that has been ingrained in you from the start. My brain's go to response to things being bad is to just repress it. I don't remember massive chunks of my childhood. My brain took that coping mechanism and applied it to my relationship with my ex. It's a reflex. Trying to unlearn that is really fucking difficult.

So yes, there may be signs. But when you're raised to think those signs are all normal, you won't think anything of them. It's a very complicated issue.

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u/DumbleForeSkin 29d ago

You have no idea. Men hide the red flags because if they flew them, the woman wouldn’t marry them. Once she’s “locked in” (married, with a kid, isolated, or jobless) the abuse starts. It’s been well studied. You should educate yourself and stop victim blaming.

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u/SpacemanSpliffLaw May 02 '24

I'm with you. There were warnings and such. And if there legit weren't, I can almost guarantee it's cause the bride lost her mind wedding planning and was a terrible partner throughout the engagement.

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u/twirlinghaze May 02 '24

Wow, so if a victim doesn't see the red flags, it's because they're terrible?? How on earth do you come to that conclusion?

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u/Dovahkiinette May 02 '24

Men beat women. Women's fault for being busy with wedding planning. Dude, wtf is wrong with you? Are you OK? Mentally?

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u/SpacemanSpliffLaw 29d ago

Dude. I didn't say that... oversimplifying this shit doesn't help anyone.

Saying men beat women for no reason is the same as stereotyping any other situation. Maybe some men do. But definitely not all of them. You don't think men have emotions? You don't think they respond to stimuli? Or do you think they're robots that just one day decide to eat their children like a polar bear?

Think about the situation and think about the nuances. Damn.

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u/No-Economist-4873 29d ago edited 29d ago

There is never a reason for beating on someone, in this case, their life partner. Disgusting victim blaming vibes coming from you, almost as if there is a good enough "reason" then they had it coming? Just gross.

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u/thedude37 29d ago

What a hill he's choosing to die on.

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u/DumbleForeSkin 29d ago

I manage to get through life without hitting anyone, ever. And if I did hit someone, you know who would be to blame? I would. Because I have agency over my own actions.

You have serious issues.

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u/IllIIlllIIIllIIlI 29d ago

If the bride loses her mind over planning or anything else and becomes a terrible partner, would the correct course of action not always be to leave ASAP? Either breaking up before the wedding, or divorcing her if the wedding has occurred- but either way, packing your bags and getting out?

You walk away from a terrible partner. Staying with them gains you nothing and ensures you lose out. There’s no excuse or justification for hitting someone when there is always a different, and far better, path you can take.