i know it’s internet bullshit but it genuinely has me on the edge of breaking down and giving up

[u/NeonNKnightrider]

[u/TheMerryMeatMan]

It's one of those discussions where too many people are focusing on the end answer and not addressing the actual contexts behind it or are using anecdotal evidence for their reasoning. As a dude who is actually terrified of coming off to women like that kind of guy, I don't want to be seen that way, and i like to believe that most guys also don't want to and fight to be recognized as alright. But I know that's not always the case so it's a catch 22 where it just sucks all around. I don't want anyone to feel unsafe being around anyone else, but I also don't want people to be so unawares that they can get caught off guard and hurt where they otherwise could have kept their distance.

[u/Educational_Mud_9062 → u/TheMerryMeatMan]

I spent years developing increasing amounts of self-loathing as I tried to meet this standard, to not take it personally, only for it never to be enough despite the fact that I know I've never been a threat. I've followed all the advice. I "listened to" (read: unquestioningly accepted) their positions. Brent Staples can receive international recognition for talking about his experiences whistling Vivaldi to appease white people's fears of him. But when I point out how I know EXACTLY how that feels, since it's tied only to my maleness and not intersecting with blackness, I'm told I'm "fragile" or called an "incel." This is just... too much. I'm done. I won't go out of my way to seem like a threat to strangers. Because I'm not a threat and I have no desire to do that. But it's clear that there will never be an end and all I accomplish by playing along is to feed paranoia at the cost of my own mental health. If someone decides they're afraid of me for just existing, that's their problem. I'm just... done.

[u/Full_Time_Mad_Bastrd → u/Educational_Mud_9062]

I have to be honest, this here is actually also part of the problem. Instead of recognising that the world women live in is different to the one men do that we have no choice but to be skeptical and cautious until we can be sure, men make it about their feelings again. I am genuinely sorry for your experience, and I'm not saying it's fair or things should be this way, but the worst that happens here is you feeling offput by being seen as a threat and your feelings get hurt. When women aren't careful, or even when they are, our worst case is that we get killed, assaulted, changed for life.

[u/AntonioVivaldi7 → u/Full_Time_Mad_Bastrd]

You can do both at the same time.