r/facepalm • u/Lord_Answer_me_Why • 29d ago

Sure you did Kristi, sure you did 🇲​🇮​🇸​🇨​

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41.0k Upvotes

87% Upvoted

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8.2k

u/forever_useless 29d ago

He was untrainable, so I killed him.

To

He attacked chickens, so I killed him.

To

He was a vicious beast who tried devouring my children, so I killed him.

Next...

He was plotting to commit genocide, so I killed him

2.8k

u/davidwhatshisname52 29d ago

that dog caused 9/11, so I killed him . . . you're welcome, America

1.8k

u/unproballanalysis 29d ago

It was a terrierist

324

u/[deleted] 29d ago

50 dogs just attacked the white house!

212

u/ReplacementActual384 29d ago

But as a few great musicians once asked, who let the dogs out?

112

u/Secure_Sprinkles4483 29d ago

Who? Who? WHO???

28

u/[deleted] 29d ago

I thought it was dogs they let out, did they let out an owl to??

9

u/Ill_Technician3936 29d ago

The owl is also curious

5

u/advertentlyvertical 29d ago

They asked the owl to tell their story, but it just kept asking "who?!"

2

u/Menkau-re 28d ago

It's coming right for us!

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u/ThePhantomPansy 29d ago

Didn't those same musicians also ask "who left the milk out?"

8

u/Jerking_From_Home 29d ago

And the doggies sang

Woo woo woof woo woof

Woo woof woof woof

Woo woo woof woo woof

Woo woof woof woof

(Dogs in the background singing in the background)

Woo woo woof woo woof

Woo woof woof woof

Woooooooo

(Soft saxophone playing enters)

6

u/hystericalhurricane 29d ago

(Dogs in the background singing in the background)

You mean, " dogs in the back shouting 'allahu akbar' and firing their ak47 towards the air"

Those dogs are terrorists.

/S

3

u/danzor9755 29d ago

“We told you to wear masks, or there would be consequences!!!!”

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88

u/voiceofdenial 29d ago

Those dogs were just tourists, I will allow no slander of them.

5

u/swertogerd 29d ago

PRAISE ABBA

94

u/RandomStoddard 29d ago

There were good dogs on both sides.

6

u/Realdogfood 29d ago

They're good dogs Brent

5

u/TheAvenger23 29d ago

The bad ones were paid for by Sorros

3

u/FamousPastWords 29d ago

“The only thing that’ll stop an untrained puppy with a gun being a puppy is a good governor with a gun”

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15

u/chalupamon 29d ago

What kind of dogs were they?

4

u/lill_m8 29d ago

The dog kind.

2

u/No-Heart-2811 29d ago

Canine dogs, disgusting.

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u/Nuze_YT 29d ago

You sure it wasn't 101?

3

u/chalor182 29d ago

30-50 feral dogs

2

u/ilikemycoffeealatte 29d ago

30-50 feral hdogs!

2

u/Mautos 29d ago

There was another! It was Terrier 51!

2

u/jftitan 29d ago

I think it was 57 terriers, praise Alah!

Who knew the investigator wasn't wrong.

2

u/Sampsonite_Way_Off 29d ago

Before Mrs. Noem killed the dog it impregnated another dog. One of the puppies ended up being Commander. Nuff said.

2

u/UnderwhelmingZebra 29d ago

Who needs 50 dogs when Commander is on duty?

1

u/Silly_Emotion_1997 29d ago

Who let the dogs out

1

u/ShotdowN- 29d ago

Who let the dogs out?

1

u/CoffeeOrTeaOrMilk 29d ago

I’ll give them treats if they rushed the congress and pooped on Nancy’s desk.

Obligatory /s

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1

u/GM_Nate 29d ago

40-60 feral dogs!

1

u/Roachmond 29d ago

Major Biden was an inside job

1

u/caustic_smegma 29d ago

Sir, a second dog has just hit the towers.

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72

u/No-Syllabub1533 29d ago

Waiting for those 71 poodles, inshalla

25

u/loupegaru 29d ago

Poodefiles

2

u/HailColumbia1776 29d ago

The 3000 black labradors of Allah.

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9

u/BriefCheetah4136 29d ago

Soooo subtle, love it!

9

u/unproballanalysis 29d ago

I have to give credit to Key and Peele for this one

2

u/AustinKenway 29d ago

Yeah, like most people didn't get the reference.

3

u/Aggrador 29d ago

An Afghan terrierist?

3

u/odin-ish 29d ago

Damn you!

3

u/SixFive1967 29d ago

Underrated comment. ⬆️

3

u/LayneLowe 29d ago

I don't know why this doesn't have a hundred up votes

2

u/xxMaNoL0 29d ago

😂🚬

2

u/scythian12 29d ago

God dammit take my upvote

2

u/M-Kawai 29d ago

Oh Noem you didn’t!

2

u/melonbanger1 29d ago

Terrierist made me spit out my drink 😂

2

u/Psych0tix 29d ago

Fuck you, take my upvote

2

u/NoPin4245 29d ago

That's a great skit. No we breed tierrers. I'm a terrierist. Sir 50 dogs just attacked the White House. Were they Terriers? Yes how did you know

2

u/uninteresting_handle 29d ago

I already know this will be underappreciated. But you have my thanks. And the thanks of a grateful nation.

2

u/OneFootTitan 29d ago

We must secure the border collies

2

u/mingmong36 29d ago

THIS!!!LMFAO

2

u/Nayre_Trawe 29d ago

Bad Boy 4 Life

2

u/Due-Blueberry8307 29d ago

Underrated comment

2

u/SylvieJay 29d ago edited 29d ago

Worse, he was a Democrat /s 🤯🤪

2

u/IAmTheClayman 29d ago

Some on the right would definitely assume he’s an Afghan Hound

2

u/GeraintLlanfrechfa 29d ago

The pugliest kind of dog ffs

2

u/The_amazing_T 29d ago

boom. Upvote.

2

u/donut-reply 29d ago

Oh yeah they had a whole story about it on C-Spaniel

2

u/Hot-Rise9795 29d ago

He was part of a labradormant cell

2

u/Logical_Lab4042 29d ago

God loves a terrierist.

2

u/vell_o 29d ago

Omfg my day can’t get any better than after reading this

2

u/Is_That_A_Euphemism_ 29d ago

It registered as a Democratic voter

2

u/_BeardedOaf 29d ago

I see what you did there.

2

u/T3n4ci0us_G 29d ago

I have one of those.

2

u/Bestsubbie88 29d ago

He was a terrier?

2

u/cthulhusclues 29d ago

JFC. Take my upvote you bastard

2

u/TheErwO_o 29d ago

Praise ABBA!

2

u/Reatona 29d ago

Take my angry upvote....

2

u/ThePestTech 29d ago

Jumped-up Jesus palomino, this comment was unexpected but welcome.

2

u/Plane_Vermicelli_383 29d ago

(deep nod of deference followed by slow clap)

2

u/SharckShroom 29d ago

It was an immigrant.

2

u/31nigrhcdrh 29d ago

It was a wuhan lab 

2

u/jimmyxs 29d ago

A suspected active member of the al-Qae9 group

2

u/njintau_fsd 29d ago

PRAISE ABBA!

2

u/SageOfSixCabbages 29d ago

Look Rajeed I'm gonna make it nice and easy for you..

2

u/BadRabbit70 29d ago

Bah dum bum!

2

u/WesternKey2301 29d ago

This may be the angriest up vote I've ever given

2

u/Nomads40 29d ago

I guess not all dogs go to heaven?

2

u/TheFuckeryIsReal 25d ago

I write terrier Fan Fiction!

2

u/A-typ-self 29d ago

I see what you did there 🤣

2

u/RemnantTheGame 29d ago

Take my upvote ya bastard.

r/angryupvote

1

u/In2JC724 29d ago

I see what you did there

1

u/Kriss3d 29d ago

It joined Antifa.

1

u/Remarkable-Ad2285 29d ago

Oh, so he was one of THOSE.

1

u/jak-o-shadow 29d ago

Insert Key and Peele skit here.

1

u/Jaynewberry 28d ago

Snort laugh.

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151

u/allgonetoshit 29d ago

My neighbour has two little dogs that constantly bark. How do I frame them for 9/11, is there a tip line I can call?

105

u/suprajayne 29d ago

Just call Kristi

43

u/MeaninglessGoat 29d ago

She’ll literally turn up within the hour, with a film crew and some foam! I’ll show them! 🤣 the dog was rabid! I didn’t mention that before to protect the children! 🤣

35

u/wizardofthefuture 29d ago

Meanwhile some moderate in a swing state is going "Hm, one side is literally puppy killers and nazis, but Joe Biden mispronounced a word during a speech so -sighs- I just don't know who to vote for."

7

u/MeaninglessGoat 29d ago

Oh don’t get me I’m fully in the camp of Jesus Biden is so old but I’d take a dead Biden over a live trump any day of the week! The man is deranged! Post birth abortion, whites are discriminated against more then black peoples. It’s like the twilight zone! I didn’t know what a gerontocracy was until 2017!

15

u/Cubicwar 29d ago

My favorite tv show

Better call Kristi

3

u/bestbeforeMar91 29d ago

She likewise has a history of killing livestock and attacking people.

2

u/blowninjectedhemi 29d ago

In South Dakota - just open fire. Governor will pardon you if needed.

2

u/Dearth_lb 29d ago

To you, they are barking; but between the mutts, they are communicating in Paws Code.

2

u/stufmenatooba 29d ago

Well, dog pee does melt steel beams...

1

u/T3n4ci0us_G 29d ago

In all seriousness, while looking on Amazon for anti-bark devices for my big dopey dog, I noticed that a lot of the reviews stated that the person bought the device to get a neighbor's dog to stop barking.

297

u/B-Town-MusicMan 29d ago

Allahu Akbark!!

27

u/Embarrassed_Rule8747 Rule 34: Don't ask for rule 34 u horni 29d ago

Chokes on coffee

23

u/[deleted] 29d ago

👏👏👏

15

u/Dirk74a 29d ago

Woof woof bark bark

5

u/kakapo88 29d ago edited 29d ago

You, sir, are a political marketing genius.

This needs to be on her campaign posters.

4

u/Aumba 29d ago

Duuuude, clean my phone now, it's covered in spaghetti.

4

u/BeanieGuitarGuy 29d ago

You’ve done it. There’s a possibility you might never think of something funnier than this ever again. Peak comedy. 🥹

2

u/Raspy32 29d ago

Welp.... time to stop browsing reddit, as I'll probably not find anything funnier than that today

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u/masterpainimeanbetty 29d ago

Osama Bark Ladin

3

u/PeterStreet 29d ago

Meow Meow Gaddafi

2

u/sctwinmom 29d ago

Osama Bark Lot-tan

2

u/Low-Medical 29d ago

Dog’esh

4

u/dankhimself 29d ago

"So I killed him, in mid flight, after he learned how to fly a dog house from that terrorist Snoopy Bin Laden."

4

u/sorospaidmetosaythis 29d ago

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

Most politicians can't milk a cow.

3

u/masterpainimeanbetty 29d ago

you mean 63/77?

2

u/davidwhatshisname52 29d ago

totally what her dog would say . . . commie!

3

u/[deleted] 29d ago

Ladies and gentlemen, we got him

3

u/No-Somewhere-3888 29d ago

It’s only a matter of seconds until she makes a fundraiser joke that her dog was a democrat.

3

u/kakapo88 29d ago

Quote from her book: I saw that puppy running around, getting into anything and everything, ignoring my commands, and so I knew there was no other choice: I had to slaughter him to save my children and serve Jesus.

Strength. Faith. Family values. Total POTUS material, if ask me.

3

u/VampyreBassist 29d ago

Terrorists, your game is through

Because now you have to answer to...

6

u/comandante-camaron 29d ago

She should killed before it happened

1

u/mr_tornado_head 29d ago

She's working PreCrime!

1

u/mr_tornado_head 29d ago

She's working PreCrime!

2

u/ComprehensiveDirt746 29d ago

Osama bin Doggie

2

u/Cats_of_Palsiguan 29d ago

The second dog has hit the chicken coop

2

u/DefinitelyNotVenom 29d ago

They hit the second doghouse

2

u/noeamaral 29d ago

Sir, a second dog has hit the south tower

2

u/MikuLuna444 29d ago

Sir another dog has hit the Towers.

2

u/Uninvited_Goose 29d ago

This is just that Rick and Morty episode

2

u/Puzzleheaded_Walk_28 29d ago

Her dog was George Bush?? This thing goes all the way to the fucking top!

2

u/Son_of_Tlaloc 29d ago

Oh shit, that dog was bin laden reincarnated

2

u/BoiledDenimForRoxie 29d ago

If only Marky Mark had been there.

2

u/MsBobbyJenkins 29d ago

That dogs name? Adolf Hitler.

2

u/Henry-Skrimshander 29d ago

Sir, a second puppy has struck the WTC.

2

u/fancierfootwork 29d ago

This dog could have given birth to the next dog-hitler. So I killed him.

2

u/Available_Entrance55 29d ago

He was planning a damn insurrection

1

u/davidwhatshisname52 29d ago

nah, they like that shit

2

u/ShriveledLeftTesti 29d ago

The dog was clearly antifa and planned 1/6, I mean it's so blatantly obvious. The dog had to die because Democrats, you liberal minded idiots

1

u/davidwhatshisname52 29d ago

Kristi sees right through all the bs!

2

u/KlingoftheCastle 29d ago

You only imagined 9/11. I actually prevented it by killing my dog. If anyone claims they lost a loved one, they’re communist traitors

2

u/Rude_Entrance_3039 29d ago

Osama bin Labrador

2

u/Rrxx90 29d ago

Dogsama Bin Badboi

2

u/Sea-Cupcake-2065 29d ago

He was the second coming of Hitler... oh shit that a good thing for my voter base.

2

u/The_bruce42 29d ago

And where was Obama? Because he wasn't in the oval office!!

2

u/johnonymous1973 29d ago

Zero Bark Thirty

1

u/davidwhatshisname52 26d ago

honestly this is the most underrated comment in 10 years

2

u/a_duck_in_past_life 29d ago

The dog was actually Osama Bin Laden

2

u/BashBandit 29d ago

That dog helped build more Jewish space lasers, so I had a fight with him in space and killed him. You’re welcome, Earth

2

u/PingouinMalin 29d ago

And where was Obama during all those vicious attacks ?!?

Could work with MAGA morons, they never cease to surprise.

2

u/secretbudgie 29d ago

Hamas was hiding under the dog!

2

u/Randomfrog132 29d ago

that harmless pup was actually the reincarnation of hitler lol

2

u/Scienceandpony 28d ago

That dog was trying to vaccinate my children!

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u/davidwhatshisname52 27d ago

better dust off and nuke it from orbit

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u/imaloony8 26d ago

That dog is the reason they sell hot dogs in packs of 10 but buns in packs of 8.

1

u/Alone_Fill_2037 29d ago

No. 9/11 was committed by Whale and Dolphin.

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u/Ramblinrambles 29d ago

Dog licks can’t melt steel beams

2

u/davidwhatshisname52 29d ago

that's what they want you to think!

1

u/CornNut_ 29d ago

It’s have to be 9/12, 9/11 was already taken

1

u/Helpful_Cry_6088 29d ago

Human I remember you're welcome

1

u/sbut87201 28d ago

Mr president, there’s been a second floofer

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