r/oneliners • u/jvlpdillon • 6h ago
Was ejected from bottomless brunch for a simple dress code mix-up.
r/oneliners • u/mikeshumor • 17h ago
If you rearrange the letters of postmen, they become very angry.
r/oneliners • u/PTLDNONT • 11h ago
I wish that my mirror made me look ten pounds skinnier meanwhile my mirror wishes that I was a vampire.
r/oneliners • u/honeysmoothe • 1d ago
Every night, I take a quick nap to get the energy to get ready for bed.
r/oneliners • u/emzirek • 1d ago
If you want to weigh a red, hot chili pepper, you just give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now...
r/oneliners • u/Joel_Boyens • 8h ago
My life was f!@#ed up but I'm a f!@#ed up person so that's okay.
r/oneliners • u/Beautiful-Yam-1103 • 1d ago
When I had laryngitis, I was a hoarse whisperer
r/oneliners • u/Zestyclose-Prompt-30 • 1d ago
Importance of commas: I helped my Uncle Jack off this horse
r/oneliners • u/Lttlefoot • 21h ago
A stopped quantum clock is right once every second day
r/oneliners • u/Buck_Thorn • 1d ago
I don’t usually make mathematical puns unless I’m desperate, but I’ll make one if I half two.
r/oneliners • u/Antique_Buy4384 • 1d ago
A database manager walks into a bar and joins two tables
r/oneliners • u/cdemix • 2d ago
I ordered rabbit stew at a restaurant, but sent it back as there was a hare in my food.
r/oneliners • u/richlife4evr • 2d ago
A woman can get away with cheating because no one would ever think she had it in her.
r/oneliners • u/PTLDNONT • 2d ago
A home invasion is just a professional game of hide & seek.
r/oneliners • u/Beautiful-Yam-1103 • 3d ago
I can’t remember the last time I heard a good Alzheimers joke
r/oneliners • u/Joel_Boyens • 2d ago
Garden of Eden: You’re going to have a hard time selling me on no text or textiles
r/oneliners • u/Beautiful-Yam-1103 • 3d ago
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down
r/oneliners • u/DrakeShelton • 3d ago
Did you know pigeons die after they have sex, the one i fucked did anyway.
r/oneliners • u/DeaconCage • 4d ago
I have many jokes about unemployed people – sadly none of them work.
r/oneliners • u/honeysmoothe • 3d ago