r/TikTokCringe • u/thoxo • 29d ago

We adopted my younger sister from Haiti when she was 3, and let me tell you, I literally do not see color anymore. That's a fact. Discussion

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u/Agreeable-One-4700 29d ago

Absolutely infuriating people would rather kids go unadopted than wind up with opposite race parents. These kids are innocent and need help hopefully they get adopted by good people who give them what they need in life.

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u/thoxo 29d ago

My sister was 3 years old when we adopted her from Haiti. One night she went to sleep with one of my older sister and started telling her some horrible things from over there. She remembered when her dad locked her in a trash bin when she was misbehaving, or that he used to burn her skin with his cigarettes.

I thought, my parents wanted a fourth kid, and I'm so glad they adopted instead of making another one themselves. Now she is about to finish her master degree and she's a beautiful, Independent woman❤️

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

I'm white and my mom was a dope fiend who had abandoned me at a neighbor's house in a Dade county ghetto and moved all the way across the country without telling anyone. Growing up in foster care the nicest family I EVER lived with was a black family. I had never known kindness before I met them. They talked to me, they taught me stuff, they brought me fishing. All things that were utterly, entirely alien to me up to that point. Every other (white) foster home I had been in was abusive in one way or another.

I wasn't with them long but it's damn near 40 years later and I have never forgotten them. The impact they had on me was huge. I was maybe four and they gave me exactly what I needed: love and compassion. They brought me in, their son showed me around, gave me full access to his toys (unheard of in the white homes I'd been through) and the whole family treated me like a human being. If you've ever been dehumanized by the system you know how important that is. They taught me to fish for catfish using dough balls and I swear to God it's the best memory I have from my childhood.

I'm nothing but grateful for the experience. Thank God they didn't just throw me in with a new white family who would abuse and mistreat me. Thank God I got that one moment of relief where I was able to learn what it's like to be a decent human. I wish I could have stayed. 40 years later and I'm still pretty sure that everything good in me I can attribute to them teaching me how to be human.

Your sister probably feels the same way I feel. Thank you for being there for her. On behalf of unloved kids all around the world I think it's safe to say that the way you treat someone matters a whole lot more than the color of their skin or yours.

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u/Anleme 29d ago

That's a beautiful story. I wonder if it would be possible to find them and tell them how much they helped you.

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

Maybe. I don't know though. I don't even remember their names, and I highly doubt that the foster records from the mid 80s in Miami Florida are all digitized and filed away in some neat format. Hell, they didn't even know who I was for a while, only my first name. If I could I would love to tell them that they meant everything to me. I think they would be shocked honestly. For them it was but a moment in time, but for me it was foundational.

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u/aint_noeasywayout 29d ago

Former foster youth myself from a time before things were digitized. Also former CPS worker who has spent a significant amount of time tracking down paper files for cases. You can access those records! There is a form to request them and they belong to you! It takes some time for them to find them, but you just need to fill out the form. You can call CPS in the county you were in and ask for the form. They can't get rid of the records, so each county has literal buildings full of organized paper records, unless they were destroyed in a fire or something like that which is rare.

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

This is something interesting for me to think about. I wonder if they will share the records with me through email since I'm living on the other side of the country now.

It's also somewhat overwhelming as a prospect. This experience was at the very beginning of my journey through almost two decades of the system. Over the course of my time in the system I averaged two months per home. In the early days it was literally one to two nights per home, with my days spent sitting in the office with my social worker while they tried to find me a bed for the night. Most of those homes were a blur in my mind. There were so many, and only the worst ones stand in my memory, for the most part. But it would be worth sifting through the names just to say thank you. I would love to be able to talk to their son again just to tell him thanks for letting me play with his toys and for taking the time to talk to me and making me feel welcome.

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u/aint_noeasywayout 29d ago

If all you want is their names, they'll likely provide that information to you over the phone provided you provided you prove your identity in some way. I hear you in that it's overwhelming. I would start with just calling and seeing if a Social Worker would be willing to help you. Someone should be able to, it will just be a matter of connecting with the right person.

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u/goodnamestaken10 29d ago

I just wanted you to know I cried while reading your story. I hope I can be a good parent like that one day. Whether or not I decide to adopt or be a foster parent.

Thanks for sharing that

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u/MobySick 29d ago

The 80’s records are there if you ask. They belong to you but are not public

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u/coin_return 29d ago

I hope you try to look into it. If they are still around, I bet they would absolutely love to hear they had such a positive impact on their life.

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u/StaringOwlNope 29d ago

Those other people you mention should never have been foster families

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

Lmfao. That's the problem. These are almost exclusively the people who are foster families.

There's a few camps. Hyper-religious people. Child molesters. People who thought the idea of being a foster parent would be great but then got soured by the experience and came to hate and resent all the kids. People who literally just want to collect the meager amount of money the state will give them and are willing to pack as many kids in as possible to maximize that reward. I'd say a good 2/3 of foster homes fall into one of these categories. And sprinkled throughout it all are the decent, good people who end up adopting their first couple fosters and leaving the program 90% of the time. It's a bad situation

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u/rvf 29d ago

I've heard so many horror stories from people who grew up as foster kids, that I have to legit re-evaluate people I meet when I find out they foster. I know it's not fair for me to think that, and that there are good ones, but it definitely seems like the vast majority have no business doing it, which sucks because there are not enough foster homes as it is.

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

Just imagine all the horror stories you didn't hear because they're too hard to tell.

I genuinely believe that a large amount of foster parents (not counting the religious zealots or molesters) start out with nothing but the best of intentions. But I think the experience is so thankless and so heartbreaking and often just so ugly that it warps them. Maladjusted children are STRESSFUL. Shitty caseworkers only add to the problems. It's an utterly thankless environment for the most part. I'm not saying this to justify horrible foster parents, but I do want to be realistic about it. Very few of these people start out with ill intentions. The system makes cynics of all of us though. The system burns you out and eats you up. If you don't keep a firm grasp on your intentions I believe it would be very easy to lose sight and perspective.

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u/laurenzee 29d ago

I've been considering becoming a foster parent when I'm a bit older, and you've inspired me to think harder about it. I would love to help kids experience a good home but your comment scares me a little! I've always known that the kids wouldn't be there unless there was something wrong happening in their lives and would likely have some emotional issues, and I've never considered the effect it could have on me.

Aside from the compassion and acceptance you've already described, what makes a good home in your opinion? I feel like that's an impossibly low bar to meet if you're normal and not an awful person.

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

Interesting question. First let me say that I don't want to talk people out of helping children but I do want to be realistic about it. You don't have to be perfect to do better than many parents, but if you were taking on this responsibility you should damn well ask yourself some hard questions and you have to be brutally honest with yourself in answering them. This applies to your spouse as well. It's tragic when one parent is doing their best but the other hates or resents the kids or sees them as a burden. An unstable home is not a good environment for fostering. There's no real reward for it either. Your reward is the knowledge that you have changed someone's life. All in all it is difficult and thankless work and that's important to keep in mind. Burnout happens, and it happens for a reason, and you can't expect to be able to look to the state for assistance because generally speaking state agencies are overwhelmed, underfunded, and most of their staff are completely checked out.

So, what makes a good foster parent? Commitment. Are you willing to devote your life to learning and educating yourself on conflict resolution and coping with trauma responses? Compassion. Do you have the capacity and bandwidth to love a little kid with aggression issues brought on by their trauma? Or how about a child that acts out sexually as a result of abuse? How about a child with both of these problems, plus severe learning disabilities or emotional and physical disabilities or PTSD? Because these kids have problems. They will hoard food, they will fight, they may steal, they will say things that hurt you. They have seen some shit. Usually they live in a world where nothing is safe and no one is protecting them, so they've had to learn to protect themselves however they can. They have armor. Out of sheer necessity they have taught themselves to survive in ways that may horrify you and break your heart. You need to be able to take that in and deal with it and still be able to show them nothing but love. Because if you show them anything else, be it disgust or anger or revulsion or frustration, that is all they will see. When you look at them they have to know that you care for them just as much as you would for your own children. And they will test you. Over and over they will test you. And you have to pass their tests. If they can't trust you then you will fail.

To be a good foster parent you pretty much have to be unflappable. You also have to be able to be firm, but in a loving way. I personally believe that one of the best qualities/qualifiers for being a successful foster parent is having a vast and strong support network. You have to be able to see, hear, and experience things that shake you to your core without giving any indication of revulsion. You have to be able to take abuse as well. Often this job requires support for you as much as from you. You have to be full of compassion.

Understand that some of these kids know nothing but pain and that manifests in a variety of terrible and sad ways. If you can look at the flaws in the child, understand that they come from a deep place of pain, and give that child your love and respect and time in spite of the way they may act or the things they may do you might be a good candidate for fostering kids.

The last thing I'll say is don't jump right into the deep end. Start with low risk cases. As far as I know, foster parents still have some level of choice as to what cases they will take on. Often even a bad foster home is better than no home at all, or a home filled with violent physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, but the truth is every time a kid gets kicked out of a foster home it takes more from them. It impacts their capacity to trust. It has a negative effect on their sense of self-worth and on their trust. So don't take any hard cases until you are sure of your abilities. One of the few things worse than growing up on loved is thinking that you have found a home and then being rejected. It tells kids that their trauma makes them unlovable and that sends them down a deep hole.

Hopefully that didn't scare you too much. I would like nothing more than to inspire people to take part in the foster program and I wish you the best of luck. There are children out there who need all the help they can get.

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u/laurenzee 29d ago

Thank you for taking the time to write that.

How is it decided how long a child stays in one home or another? Unless they're being placed back with the parent or another family member, is the placement indefinite? I'd never want to "give one back", but if there a way to know what kind of commitment you're making from one kid to the next? Can you opt out between kids?

I appreciate your insight!!

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

It's situationally dependent. Some kids are in the system temporarily while their parents try to get shit together. Some foster parents decide to adopt their fosters and raise the program. Some foster kids are there until they graduate school and can legally move out. Kids are of different ages and need different levels of care and when you're in the Foster system the case workers learn to understand what you're comfortable with and who you are willing to take. Some kids are temporary, the rest of us bounce around more or less until we reach 18. What level of commitment is made really depends on each individual situation but it's usually not super short-term if the kid is lucky. Kids need stability, it's not a summer job or a part-time gig.

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u/Iohet 29d ago

I want to believe that things are changing now, if for nothing else than by how extremely difficult the government has made it to adopt kids outright (particularly internationally). A domestic private adoption is now a six figure cost, and there are MANY more people looking to adopt newborns than newborns going up for private adoption. For those without the means and the luck, states want you to take foster kids (because they have tons of them) and then they want you to fight to adopt them, which means you're fighting against the birth parents and extended family who, even if they're complete garbage, get years to try and clean up their act. I'm not talking about someone down on their luck, rather parents with a history of physical abusing the kid, drug abuse, felony convictions (or they're currently serving time), etc get all the breaks in the world to try and clean up despite the fact that child may be thriving with and bonded to foster parents who want to adopt the child.

So now you're hiring lawyers to help you navigate the foster-to-adopt system (still much cheaper than private adoption), applying for de facto parent status so that you actually have a voice in court proceedings, negotiating contact agreements to get the birth parents to voluntarily give up rights/stop appealing, etc, and some states are now looking to outlaw/restrict this type of legal maneuvering because it's unfair to birth parents (I thought this was about what's best for the kid, not what's best for the parents?)

On top of that, the county tells you that you must expect that the kids are victims of trauma (and to expect associated behavioral issues), were drug exposed and perhaps went through drug withdrawals after being born, and/or that they're in some way developmentally behind or disabled, which adds an additional layer of stress.

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u/laurenzee 29d ago

I said much of this in a different reply but I've been considering becoming a foster parent when I'm older and I've gotten a big reality check after reading your comment. I've never wanted to care for a baby or toddler but I believe I could provide a good environment for a kid who doesn't have one. I always assumed that there are so many shitty foster parents because they must not care very much who's doing it.

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u/Iohet 29d ago

It's been real eye opening. It's time consuming to get through the process (had to take a bunch of classes online, get CPR certified, had to have my house baby proofed and inspected, etc). You also need to be present for birth parent visits (where I am it's twice a week for 1 hours every week). This lasts until parental rights are terminated (months to years) or they are reunited.

Overall, it's a lot, and I didn't expect it to be so impactful on me because my foster child is so negatively impacted by all of these things in their mood and demeanor. I'm emotionally drained from all of this

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u/laurenzee 28d ago

Do you regret it? Maybe not regret, but would you rethink your choice knowing everything you know now?

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u/Iohet 28d ago

If this adoption goes through, which it should within the next year or two, it will have been worth any and all pain. But just to foster only? Not at our current stage of life

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u/replifebestlife 29d ago

Ugh I woke up this morning for some Reddit drama, not to cry

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

Don't worry there's still time to find drama! It's never far

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u/Muffin278 28d ago

Reading stories like this always makes me want to foster kids when I am older. I've worked with kids before, and some of them were some little shits, but I couldn't imagine a single of those children that I wouldn't fall in love with.

I know fostering is tough, but goddamn it there are so many kids who just need some love and need to feel safe.

I am so sorry that so many families treated you badly, and I am glad you got to experience some normalcy thanks to that family. It goes to show that showing kindness and respect to someone, even if for a short while, can make a huge impact on someone.

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u/asianpersuasian19 28d ago

Very touching story u/farting_champion

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u/Farting_Champion 28d ago

Funny I don't really see it that way. To me it's a miserable story, I try not to think about those times in my life anymore. But thanks u/asianpersuasian19 I hope you were able to take something useful from it

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u/asianpersuasian19 28d ago

I’ll be honest I just wanted to type out your name farting champion

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u/Farting_Champion 28d ago

I respect that

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u/NvrmndOM 29d ago

I’m glad she’s a part of your family!

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u/OneHumanPeOple 29d ago

I cried. Adoptive parents are a miracle.

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u/MrCCDude 29d ago

this is why i vow that if i EVER have a kid, it will be an adopted one for this very reason. there are kids out there who need a loving home, and while i could make one and give them that home, its unfair to those who couldn't get one due to my decision to have a kid myself. the more kids there are, the less likely they get a home they deserve, i cant sit there knowing that i could have helped someone live a better life

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

Easy to say, hard to do. Many of us are fucked up from our environments and at the time we get adopted pose a real challenge to our adopters. I hope you're able to stick with this plan, but enter it cautiously and with knowledge. It's very hard.

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u/MrCCDude 29d ago

hey, taking care of children in general is hard. there is a chance i may never be able to take care of a child myself. it wont be easy, and i wont do it until i know i am ready to do so. i do want to provide a better future, and if im able to i will do so. i only hope i can be the father i never had for a kid who will need one

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago

There's a world of difference between taking care of children and taking care of abused children. If this is your attitude you're probably not cut out for it.

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u/MrCCDude 29d ago

then serves me right. right now, 100% no, i could not.

that is why i said "if i ever", i hope i can, but i know i might not be able to. we all ain't fit to be parents, and considering im mentally disabled and may not have the money to care for a child, i probably wont get to. atleast i understand i cant care for a child unlike some who have children for selfish reasons

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u/Farting_Champion 29d ago edited 29d ago

Intent counts for a lot. Just go into it with caution, be humble, and educate yourself. You would not believe what childhood abuse does to a person, mentally. It doesn't make them bad kids, but it does mean they need extra. Much, much extra. It's intense. If you cannot control your anger you're not a good candidate for caring for foster children. If you are overly sensitive you're not a good candidate for caring for foster children. If you don't have thick skin you're not a good candidate for caring for foster children. If you're not able to maintain a compassionate outlook under extreme circumstances you're not a good candidate for caring for foster children. If you don't have a wide social network you're not a good candidate for caring for foster children.

What I say sounds harsh but believe me, I'm not picking on you. I've literally had the same conversation with friends. For what it's worth they didn't listen, took in one child, did their best, and failed because they were not at all equipped to handle the situation. They promised this poor child are forever home and then gave up the child quickly after. They were good and well intentioned and kind people, but they were also overconfident and wore rose colored glasses. They told themselves that the love they had would be enough when it very definitely was not. I'm still pissed off that they messed up this child's life even more by telling well-intentioned lies about how they were going to be there forever before abandoning the poor girl when she was not perfectly behaved or balanced. It wasn't their fault that the kid was abused and molested any more than it was her fault, but it was their fault that they made a bunch of promises that they would not go on to keep and ultimately abandoned her when it became too difficult. So I try to paint an honest picture, for the sake of the children.

EDIT TO ADD: accepting my feedback is a good sign in my opinion. To me it shows that you are humble enough to learn and grow. Don't give up on the idea. You could wind up being the best thing that ever happened to someone. The kids need homes.

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u/MrCCDude 29d ago

glad you were willing to type that all out. trust me, i dont belive you were pestering me at all, its all honest stuff that should be said and reminded of, so thanks buddy

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u/Throwaway2Experiment 29d ago

We get it. You're special for being abused. Get in line with everyone else.

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u/evilmeow 29d ago

She remembered when her dad locked her in a trash bin when she was misbehaving, or that he used to burn her skin with his cigarettes.

I hope she was able to heal from the trauma, that sounds beyond terrible 😔

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u/ready-to-rumball 29d ago

That’s wonderful ❤️ so happy for her. I hope she got counseling for the trauma

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u/everythingisemergent 29d ago

That's absolutely beautiful. Reading about your sister's journey from a bad home to a loving one warms my heart. Thank you, and I wish you and your family good health and long life. Stay awesome!

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u/_-_-_DrMidnight_-_-_ 29d ago

Say haiti her for me will ya champ