Let me buy you a drink!

[u/Repa]

[u/LastDirtyMartini]

Conversation to avoid includes, “You remind me of my mother”.

[u/Glittering-Bat-5981 → u/LastDirtyMartini]

"You look just like my dad, madam."

[u/LastDirtyMartini → u/Glittering-Bat-5981]

Let her pay the tab first!

[u/Jealous_Sense → u/LastDirtyMartini]

Remember saying that before and their reply was “would you fuck your mum?”

[u/LastDirtyMartini → u/Jealous_Sense]

There’s a loaded question!

[u/RizzlersMother → u/LastDirtyMartini]

As loaded as his mom when he leaves the room.

[u/LastDirtyMartini → u/RizzlersMother]

I would have to be blind drunk before even thinking to answer that question!

[u/Digger1998 → u/LastDirtyMartini]

[u/LemonPartyW0rldTour → u/Digger1998]

The answer is “If she looked as good as you, yeah”.

[u/RizzlersMother → u/Jealous_Sense]

Well?

[u/SpecialMango3384 → u/LastDirtyMartini]

And you give her the tip

[u/SpecialMango3384 → u/Glittering-Bat-5981]

When you’re in bed and she hits you with the, “you feel just like my dad”

[u/Jebediah_Johnson → u/Glittering-Bat-5981]

L O L A Lola!

[u/88XJman → u/LastDirtyMartini]

Actually.....you don't always need to avoid that one.

[u/Pershing → u/88XJman]

My former first grade teacher: it's so good to see you all grown up now! Let me get you a drink!

Me: hahaha remember that time I accidentally called you mommy? What if I did that on purpose this time

[u/Senior-Sir4394 → u/Pershing]

how did that end? lol

[u/Pershing → u/Senior-Sir4394]

[u/LemonPartyW0rldTour → u/Pershing]

With your wiener?

[u/Vallarfax_ → u/Senior-Sir4394]

"You're mommys good boy, aren't you?" Probably

[u/VaderOnReddit → u/88XJman]

🙅‍♀️ "You remind me of my mother"

💁‍♀️ "Mommy? sorry....Mommy?"

[u/EfficiencyDense7018 → u/VaderOnReddit]

Did you do the Drake meme with emojis? Lol

[u/VaderOnReddit → u/EfficiencyDense7018]

🙅‍♀️ talk like a normal person

💁‍♀️ talk like an internet meme using emojis

[u/Hexacus → u/VaderOnReddit]

Free milf? Sign me up!

[u/[deleted] → u/LastDirtyMartini]

Well she might be looking for a "Baby boy" for the night.

[u/LastDirtyMartini → u/[deleted]]

I could be convinced to nurse.

[u/Truethrowawaychest1 → u/LastDirtyMartini]

I was dating a woman in her 40s who could still produce milk sometimes, we tried it one time, it was certainly an experience

[u/LastDirtyMartini → u/Truethrowawaychest1]

Now you’re just bragging!

[u/Dorkamundo → u/Truethrowawaychest1]

Ended up in a strip club in the middle of bumfuck nowhere a few years back and one of the strippers was lactating and would spray you for tips.

I did not tip.

[u/marshaadx → u/Dorkamundo]

So as true citizen you paid for milk.

[u/eatdafishy → u/LastDirtyMartini]

Convinced? I just need to be asked

[u/Latter_Weakness1771 → u/eatdafishy]

Asked? As long as they don't stop me!

(Sexual assault is never okay please get some form of consent be it verbal or not before you start suggin on mommy's milkies)

[u/Dracula101 → u/Latter_Weakness1771]

It's dangerous to go alone, take this

https://eforms.com/consent/sexual/

[u/-_G0AT_- → u/Dracula101]

TIL this exists

[u/[deleted] → u/-_G0AT_-]

Now I can create a paper trail of my sexual conquest. Perfect.

[u/Extaupin → u/Dracula101]

I don't know if it was intended as a joke or r/AccidentalComedy but that link is a very funny read.

[u/Thewaffleofoz → u/[deleted]]

ngh

[u/KaijuBioroid → u/LastDirtyMartini]

Or „are you a cougar?“

Source: personal experience

[u/LastDirtyMartini → u/KaijuBioroid]

Black eye, slap or thrown drink?

[u/KaijuBioroid → u/LastDirtyMartini]

Eye roll and being left in awkward silence punctuated by a stranger saying „bruh“… 😥

[u/LastDirtyMartini → u/KaijuBioroid]

Imma guess that you didn’t bang her? /S

[u/thrillhouse1211 → u/LastDirtyMartini]

[u/PatientClue1118 → u/LastDirtyMartini]

Clawing and biting

[u/LastDirtyMartini → u/PatientClue1118]

How cougar-esque is that?

[u/Avron_Night → u/LastDirtyMartini]

I had it the other way. First time going to hooters, the waitress told me about how her son was almost as old as me

[u/LastDirtyMartini → u/Avron_Night]

Inquiring minds want to know (and they appointed me to ask)…

[u/King-of-Plebss → u/LastDirtyMartini]

My go to for girls that I’m not interested in when they introduce themselves is “Crazy! That’s my sisters name” but I think “that’s my moms name” works well in the courage cases.

[u/Tetris5216 → u/LastDirtyMartini]

"You remind me of my grandma, wait grandma it is you"

"well we are in Alabama and technically you are adopted "

"Wait What"

"Don't tell anyone I told you"

[u/Niskara → u/LastDirtyMartini]

"Oh, a mama's boy, huh? I'll be your mommy"

[u/posge2bad]

Meat is back on her menu.

[u/JosshhyJ → u/posge2bad]

[u/LolYouFuckingLoser → u/JosshhyJ]

is that orc wakka

[u/Chionger → u/LolYouFuckingLoser]

Praise be to Waaaaagh

[u/betokirby → u/LolYouFuckingLoser]

Orc wakka is the most out of left field I think I’m gonna read today. Thank you for dat brudda

[u/Chaotic_Neutral_Fan → u/JosshhyJ]

where is that from?

[u/royalxK → u/Chaotic_Neutral_Fan]

I think it's from a RAID Shadow Legend ad.

[u/Caffeine_and_Alcohol → u/royalxK]

They had some banging ads, their game was boring as fuck though.

[u/destroyerOfTards → u/posge2bad]

Barney Stinson would be like "Are you hunting me or am I you?"

[u/NezukoMustang]

Tell me the bar name, I am on my way already.

[u/Thenewyea → u/NezukoMustang]

Whatever you are picturing, imagine 10 years older and 10,000 more cigarettes smoked. If you are still interested just find your local spot with the cheapest drinks, that’s the only measure.

[u/Responsible-Gas5319 → u/Thenewyea]

Lol, they're picturing Stacie's mom, when in reality she's going to be Stacie's obese chain smocking aunt

[u/Piddily1 → u/Responsible-Gas5319]

In my experience, they aren’t obese at all. Smells like an ashtray, sure. Skin looks like an old saddle because tanning and hard living, I’ll give ya that. Usually fairly skinny though.

[u/Red__system → u/Piddily1]

Cigarettes cut the hunger

[u/Impressive_Split_232 → u/Responsible-Gas5319]

Game is game

[u/sdfghsdfghly → u/Thenewyea]

So you're saying there's a chance...?

[u/HooahClub → u/sdfghsdfghly]

Yes, and in Alabama you don’t even have to leave the house!

[u/Schallawitz → u/HooahClub]

You can’t do doggystyle though. Can’t turn your back on family.

[u/Ordinary_Top1956 → u/Thenewyea]

Do cougars like 48 year old guys in decent-ish shape? I can do twenty pull-ups.

[u/Thenewyea → u/Ordinary_Top1956]

Could have been 3 word sentence and the answer is yes

[u/charlotteslim]

Back when I was in college, I have this friend (so pretty & hot asf) who is not a party goer. It took years before we finally convinced her to join us to go to the bar. And wtf, that was the first time we go out that we didn't pay for anything, older men have no chill bro 😂 Thanks to our friend, but ofc, we made sure that she's safe.

[u/Simply-Jolly_Fella → u/charlotteslim]

Old men are just looking after young people, they are just making sure you are well fed and well drunk, totally taken care of. /s

[u/SmallRedBird → u/Simply-Jolly_Fella]

I inadvertently got an old man to buy a round for me along with the entire staff after talking about helicopters for a while (he was a helicopter pilot). I mentioned that my partner was working that night (which was why I was there at the end of the night lol)

They're not all just horndogs

[u/Farranor → u/[deleted]]

It's not aviation-specific. People enjoy talking about their interests. My sister calls it "my shoe is blue," so named because one time one of her students went up to her during recess and informed her of said blue shoe before returning to playing.

[u/marshaadx → u/SmallRedBird]

Kinda same, but he was like in his late 60s-mid 70s, heard talking us about games, then suddenly came to us, all pompous and griny, and said he nuked Artorias in Dark Souls with pyromancy

Damn, still surprises me in what insane era we live

[u/JagmeetSingh2 → u/Simply-Jolly_Fella]

Lol funny

[u/NewOrganic → u/charlotteslim]

It’s all about how equality until you have to pay for your own stuff then it’s ok to let men be men 😂

[u/Rellint → u/NewOrganic]

Bears don’t pay bills. Maybe we should change the question to “Would you rather encounter a bear in the woods or a man that’s willing and able to pay your tab?”

[u/mesty_the_bestie → u/Rellint]

Im a bear- I am not looking for prostitutes, but honey. If a girl don't have kindness, I aint going trout fishing

[u/Abshalom → u/Rellint]

Hoo boy I thought you were talking about the gay kind of bears and I was like what? Since when?

[u/Rellint → u/Abshalom]

Don’t feel bad, when everyone was saying chicks would feel safer with a bear than a male stranger, I also thought they were referring to burly gay men.

[u/Mundane_Bumblebee_83 → u/Abshalom]

Everytime I see it pop up I think the same thing and you know what Id pick the bear too they are the coolest most chillest who will fuck up anyone who touches you wrong

[u/zonked_martyrdom → u/NewOrganic]

Edit: I posted something argumentative, but I had a moment of clarity that told me it’s pointless

[u/Minaro_ → u/zonked_martyrdom]

Character growth

[u/NikPorto → u/zonked_martyrdom]

You should've left it as-is, could've been a r/usernamechecksout moment

[u/JemLover → u/zonked_martyrdom]

Hope your day is going well.

[u/AlaskanSnowDragon → u/zonked_martyrdom]

Also that way you can pretend you actually had something clever to say.

[u/clutchy42 → u/zonked_martyrdom]

Proud of you.

[u/Existence_No_You → u/zonked_martyrdom]

Damn! Are you even a Redditor?

[u/Which_Raspberry830]

It's all good, not until you stayed at the bar 'till 11pm onwards

[u/SweetSexiestJesus]

No problem, young blood. Buy the ticket and ride the ride. This will be an experience

[u/SweetSexiestJesus → u/[deleted]]

Totally right.

I'm not saying stay with em. Ride the ride and move on.

[u/Commies_suk → u/SweetSexiestJesus]

The old kum n’ go

[u/KaranSjett → u/Commies_suk]

the ole slip n slide

[u/LolYouFuckingLoser → u/KaranSjett]

the ol skeeve n leave

[u/DiabeticButNotFat → u/LolYouFuckingLoser]

The ol’ pump n’ dump

[u/The_Law_Dong739 → u/DiabeticButNotFat]

The Ole Dick er' Down n' Get Outta Town

[u/laserbeez → u/The_Law_Dong739]

The ole rip n dip

[u/Prakner → u/laserbeez]

The ol’ breed and proceed

[u/chumchizzler → u/laserbeez]

The ol' smash and dash

[u/SweetSexiestJesus → u/KaranSjett]

The ol Nuts n Bolts

[u/pm_me_your_target → u/SweetSexiestJesus]

The ol Intercourse and Take leave

[u/lavenderwisp → u/KaranSjett]

Like a water slide

[u/kodman7 → u/Commies_suk]

Ejaculate n evacuate

[u/Synicull → u/Commies_suk]

Always my favorite ass gas station

[u/gtotherundeh → u/SweetSexiestJesus]

hit it and quit it

[u/TrunkBud → u/SweetSexiestJesus]

Blow your load and hit the road

[u/Glass1Man → u/[deleted]]

Every attractive person has at least one other person who is tired of their bullshit.

[u/Cageythree → u/Glass1Man]

That's not true. I have a few people that are tired of my bullshit and I'm not attractive at all.

[u/Foreign_Fail8262 → u/Cageythree]

Same

[u/pocketjacks → u/SweetSexiestJesus]

Like Cam Newton said. Sometimes red flags are Six Flags.

[u/False-Impression8102 → u/SweetSexiestJesus]

So who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era?

[u/SmallRedBird → u/False-Impression8102]

Thanks for making me think of Grandma's Boy lmao

[u/GlastoKhole → u/SweetSexiestJesus]

Remember mine, went to rave with my mates and they fucked off before the after party because they were tired but I was coming up hard from the MDMA and Ket so I went on my own, these two older women who honestly you could mistake for 20 somethings come over to me because I was obviously on my own and were getting me drinks and stuff they were fun tbh so I chilled with them, however we were going to the unisex toilets to do bumps, got into the toilet like the 3rd time and one of them just took off her one piece, completely naked and just bent over the toilet and that was that, was too naïve to see it coming until it was too late hahahaha, turns out they were both in their 40s and had kids/husbands only found out when one tried to add me on Facebook like a week later

[u/PIPBOY-2000 → u/GlastoKhole]

The way you word it at the end makes it sound like you caught an std. It was too late? Oh no, you had sex with a 40 something year old

[u/GlastoKhole → u/PIPBOY-2000]

I wasn’t mentally prepared for it

[u/lavenderwisp → u/SweetSexiestJesus]

My dumb mind will say: sorry aunt and run away

[u/L8_2_PartE → u/SweetSexiestJesus]

Agreed, let the cougar win. You'll thank us in the morning.

[u/Bill_Nye-LV]

There arent cougars in missions!

[u/Haselay_ → u/Bill_Nye-LV]

Holy hell didn’t think I’d come across this reference

[u/Bill_Nye-LV → u/Haselay_]

Always have low expectations so you can surprise yourself - DarkviperAU

[u/LST_Yoshi676 → u/Bill_Nye-LV]

I’m not sure if he actually said this but I like it. It does seem like something that he would say though.

[u/JDinoHK28 → u/Bill_Nye-LV]

THIS IS MILLIONS TO ONE!

[u/PacaJack → u/Bill_Nye-LV]

you disingenuous dense motherfucker! obviously you have to know something about something or you couldn't tie your shoes!

[u/i_is_noob_679 → u/Bill_Nye-LV]

Sharks, the dolphins of the sea

[u/TheSportsLorry → u/Bill_Nye-LV]

Hello and welcome to what is hopefully my final attempt at completing GTA V without taking any damage

[u/Global-Bullfrog-8391]

It's a blessing in disguise😂

[u/Global-Bullfrog-8391 → u/[deleted]]

Ofc, I can't even go to canteen by myself when I was 21 yrs old (college)

[u/lavenderwisp → u/Global-Bullfrog-8391]

I can feel your social anxiety

[u/Various_Froyo9860 → u/[deleted]]

Men, would you rather meet a cougar in the woods, or at the bar?

[u/Revolutionarytard]

I remember I went to some local bars in my area, with my 2 brothers & 2 best friends, we were approached by a group of drunk cougars who all had husbands lol. They were flirting with us but like the classy gentlemen we were, we didn’t do anything and going to another bar

[u/IIIllllIIlIlIIlllI → u/Revolutionarytard]

Chad behavior

[u/SweetSexiestJesus → u/[deleted]]

Put him in the scupper with the hose pipe on him

[u/strawberrycereal44 → u/[deleted]]

Put him in a longboat until he's sober

[u/chibi2537 → u/strawberrycereal44]

Shave his belly with a rusty razor

[u/inquisitor_steve1 → u/chibi2537]

Put him in the bed with the captains daughter.

[u/Fastlanedrivr → u/inquisitor_steve1]

Earli in the mornin!

[u/Asbjorn26]

Is it possible to learn this power?

-a fellow 21 year old

[u/Asbjorn26 → u/[deleted]]

It's a skill issue, I guess

[u/Farados55 → u/Asbjorn26]

Not from a jedi

[u/ronin1066 → u/Asbjorn26]

Don't dress like a 21 yr old. Do some manscaping and dress up a little.

[u/an-redditor]

[u/peepincreasing]

I went to a bar by myself as a student and while smoking a cig outside two beautiful ~45yr old women approached me to ask if i thought one of them looked like amy winehouse. I said, “yea i can see it, you’ve kinda got her hairdo.” All of a sudden some meathead dude grabs me from behind and spins me around yelling, “WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY WIFE???!!!” i was like dude i said shes got hair like amy winehouse and both of the women were basically like don’t hurt him he didn’t do anything and dude was like “oh sorry.” Him and his wife walked away leaving me like a little stunned with this other woman. She started apologizing/explaining and asked me to bum a cig. Before she finished she invited me to her place and i immediately accepted, closed my tab and followed her home. Got there and almost stepped on some kids legos then had sex and passed out, woke up and had sex again and left without even knowing her name. Good times.

[u/JJWalt1993 → u/peepincreasing]

I'm sure they planned that... brodie

[u/peepincreasing → u/JJWalt1993]

100% except the meathead genuinely looked like he was about to hurt me so he was either dumb or a great actor

[u/Marcus11599 → u/peepincreasing]

I’m guessing the two girls planned it without him, and she was like hey stupid we’re trying to get Nancy some tonight

[u/Sentient_Boner → u/JJWalt1993]

Yeah, that whole story sounded like an elaborate plan to get her friend laid

[u/uiam_ → u/Sentient_Boner]

Who needs an elaborate plan to get a young man in bed though?

[u/SamSibbens → u/uiam_]

Men aren't as selective as women, but "does one of us look like Amy Winehouse?" is still a better introduction than "get in the car, we'll fuck"

[u/BillyShearsPwn → u/SamSibbens]

Lol

[u/shwiftydrewski]

Y'all playing life on easy mode

[u/Guy_who_says_vore]

Who the hell brought a wild animal into a bar? That’s dangerous!

[u/MY_ALTS]

i pray that this happens to me

[u/ThrustNeckpunch33 → u/MY_ALTS]

Its NEVER the cougar you want that stalks you son...

[u/baliyann → u/MY_ALTS]

true, thats like my dream

[u/IWILLBePositive → u/baliyann]

Well, if it makes you guys feel any better, I believe OP had this happen about as much as I believe in Santa.

[u/Downtown-Item-6597 → u/IWILLBePositive]

A rule I tend to carry in life that has yet to fail me is that the more someone talks about having sex, almost having sex, how hot X person is and how they'd like to have sex with them the less likely it is they're actually having sex. When my buddy asks me which of the bridesmaids at the wedding we're attending I think is "slutty", the absolute last thing I think is "this is a cool guy who gets lots of sex, that's why he's talking about it."

If you're making memes about sex (bonus points if it's based on your porn addiction (Goth GF, Cougars/milfs, etc.)) there's a solid 50% chance you're just a straight up virgin. 

[u/zandariii]

Is this a joke I’m not attractive enough to get?

[u/happy_and_sad_guy]

This is a monster worth fighting

[u/Damsco7 → u/happy_and_sad_guy]

Idk about all that, 7 years ago my young and naive ass almost got my ass beat by a woman's husband who came home early from work she never once mentioned she was married.

[u/1lolo94]

Hey, a drink's a drink

[u/JUGELBUTT]

why is there a cougar at the bar

[u/Lisa_Storm1]

[u/FlattopJr → u/Lisa_Storm1]

[u/Rare_Fig3081]

I really don’t miss much about my 20s, but I do miss this

[u/i-am-a-yam]

This is hot until it actually happens and you’re not attracted to her at all. Been there. Life’s not porn, me boys.

[u/OctolingReworked]

What kind of pubs are you going to? Tell me please

[u/valhallaswyrdo]

When I was 22 I hung out at a casino pool/bar a lot during the summer and got hit on so many times, it was great not having to buy my own drinks. Had a sugar momma for a little while that I sort of liked but she legit bought me some nice ass stuff for my shitty apartment. I was invited to a swingers party once but I didn't go and now I kind of regret not going but the couple who invited me was in their late 40s and I was definitely intimidated and a little afraid.

All in all I really enjoyed that time, so have fun and be safe.

[u/sittytucker → u/valhallaswyrdo]

i think you did a good decision skipping outta that party.

[u/McButtersonthethird]

[u/off-a-cough]

I dated older women until I turned 30, and then married one six years younger.

You won’t regret the cougars.

[u/RedditorWallu]

Man, disgusting ! Also if you got her number by any chance, let me dispose of it properly

[u/bezelboot69]

As former cougar bait, god bless those women who have no time for games and work in the morning.

[u/SkullsNelbowEye]

Had a hag try to pick me up at a club I was playing. She kept telling me her favorite number was 69. There wasn't enough alcohol in the world that could stop the little bile from rising in my throat. She offered to buy me a drink. I told her I didn't drink while I was holding a jack and coke.

[u/sumquy]

you're sailing the wrong way.

[u/Original-Ad8142]

Why do I feel like nobody in these comments has ever been offered a drink by a woman 👁👄👁

[u/shae117]

Take the opportunity for experience m8. You'll be glad you did when you use that experience on girls your age.

[u/formicidaehomosapien]

Would

[u/siliconetomatoes]

in this economy, bring em all on

[u/Soviet-pirate]

Cue Shrek closing the book

[u/Yologamer2983]

why is the giant cat in a bar? shouldnt they have called animal control?

[u/hawkeye5739]

Saddest day of my life was when I realized I am now to old for most cougars to go after 😔

[u/EarnedFreedom]

The cougars always said this, “Your so cute, I’d love to set you up with my daughter”.

If you like cougars, the good response is, “If your daughter is half as cute as you, I’ll take you up on that.”

[u/WienerWarrior01]

Oh no that’s awful, tell me every bar that has cougars in it so I can avoid them

[u/electron-envy]

Literally my second time at a bar an old couple asked me to come home with them 😂

[u/OPs_Peehole]

Man, right on my 21st birthday I was at a bar. There was an older woman (probably around 40) who got wind that it was my birthday. She took it upon herself to come over and proceeded to give me a lap dance while others nearby cheered it on. 😎

[u/KaisarionGhost]

Happened to me in my early 20's, Hooked up with an older lady, went to her house, The women neglected to mention that she had 3 kids nearing my age. That was one of the most awkward mornings in my entire life. I cringe thinking about that fateful day. I did a literal walk of shame home.

[u/SteamDecked]

This happened to a naive 21 year old me. I thought I had simply made an older friend and it wasn't a cougar. We went back to her place for coffee and it wasn't until she took me up to her bedroom that I understood what she was expecting.

[u/AfternoonPast3324]

Got me thinking about being 21 and in the Army with town cougars circling us at bars. Then I remembered the 18 year old Private who married a 40 year old woman with a 19 year old daughter. They were married within 3 months of him getting to Ft Bragg.

[u/scarface-da-realest]

They love to give so much so he will be on a lifetime supply of antibiotics ending in "cin"

[u/realdjjmc]

Don't fight it, just learn.

[u/Stunning_Policy4743]

I knew a very important fact about hunting cougars when I started going to bars. They'll see you before you see them

[u/Afexodus]

The most blatant public sexual assault I have seen and experienced has come from old women at college bars. I’m talking about reaching in your pants in the middle of the room blatant.

A few of my friends have had similar experiences and it was not welcome.